I'm sure many of us remember those childhood moments... getting on the merry-go-round, waiting for it to spin faster and faster. Your head was spinning, things getting a bit queasy... although you were enjoying the ride, there were the moments when you wanted to yell, "Stop the ride and let me off!"
I never much cared for that ride, yet as I sit here today, I feel as though I have been pressured to get back on as everyone cheers me on. I'm having a blast, but the ride starts spinning faster and faster and faster... it's so much fun, but I feel like everything is getting closer to coming back up.
A couple weeks ago, I wrote about my fears, when it comes to saying the "l word". Although he told me first, I still choked, just thinking of saying those words to anyone... it wasn't just that I didn't want to say them to him... I didn't think I could say those words to any man.
I finally told him I love him, casually, one night as we were going to bed. It was nice, although I still had doubts going through my mind, a million miles a minute, or so it seemed. Things have been wonderful since. We enjoy being together. We sit and talk for hours, he makes me laugh so hard I cry. We have so many common interests and goals. I started feeling as if , maybe, after too many failed relationships and so many years, I may have actually found my Prince Charming.
And then it happened... I was sitting in my t-shirt and panties last night, no make-up on and hair a mess. I was stressed out, fighting with my six year old, yet again, over his horribly messy room. Stressing over an upcoming Halloween party that I volunteered to organize, stuffing candy in the cute little goodie bags I paid too much for. My back went out a couple days ago, so add that stress, and that should almost tell you how grouchy I have been. While I sat in the middle of the floor, cramming goodie bags and stressing over everything possible, he looks at me and casually announced, "I could see myself spending the rest of my life with you."
I don't want to say I was not flattered. I was, beyond belief. This wonderful man loves me, and is seriously contemplating our future together. But come on... this is Alicia here! He knows, before he came along, I was pretty happy being single. I wasn't looking for anyone to waltz in and share their life with me.
I don't want to sound ungrateful... I feel as though maybe I am acting that way. I know that I am fortunate to have someone who cares, who knows about all of my flaws, knows about my illnesses and busy schedule with doctors, and doesn't go running. I am grateful, but how grateful must I be?
Last night, I laid in bed thinking, if it weren't for my previous experiences with relationships, I would probably be thrilled to jump right in. I would have probably eloped without a second thought... but I have been there. I was in a marriage where I truly loved, and he truly loved me in return. It did not work. I was in a relationship where I was controlled, and somehow manipulated into staying for six years. That didn't work either.
I am very much enjoying my time with this new man in my life, but I am also spending too much time, in my opinion, stressing over the speed and intensity. I don't want him to feel as though he cannot be honest about his feelings, but I am afraid that if things continue in this rapidly spinning pace, I may just get sick and jump off the ride too soon.
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Comments: 4
My daughter had similar fears after two bad marriages. When she started dating her current husband she expressed her fears. He asked if she wanted him to back off and she told him that she just wanted him to go slow.