by gautami tripathy
Member since:
May 2, 2006

Compulsive need for attention

October 16, 2006 12:52 PM UTC (Updated: October 18, 2006 05:48 AM UTC)
views: 0 | comments: 47
This has been in my mind for sometime now, to be precise, some months now. It involves most of us in our present life style.

The big question is: have we really become so depraved that we are almost always seeking attention to ourselves?

Why the need to be always in the move? To be seen at the right place, at the right time. To be part of every slice of life that one can get? It might not even interest us but still we want to be seen there. We want to be in the midst of a huge crowd, have a long list of so called friends without any deep friendships. Live one day at a time. Come from one party, mixer or whatever it is called now, and get ready for the next. What is it that drives people for these meets? Why is this constant need to be in the move, to be thought of a nice sociable person, to be liked by all?

Most people I see around me are so busy doing all these and more that they have forgotten to enjoy their own company, to quietly enjoy a book, to listen to music in solitude.

Are we afraid of solitude? Do we fear ourselves/our own company? More precisely, is it lack of self-confidence? Why does one feels so compelled to seek out company? What are we afraid of?

When I refuse to tow the line, I am thought of as someone gone bonkers. What's wrong with enjoying my own company? I can't go out each single day. I don't even want to. I need time for myself; I need to be with myself at times. Why do I have to be part of the crowd? What's wrong with being oneself? Why do we avoid ourselves? That's how I see it, avoiding ones own company

If we have to be on constant move than why not do something worthwhile for the society? Why not give back something to this world?

To get answer to all these questions, I feel it's time to sit down and think; time for introspection for all of us.

(c)gautami.tripathy
~June 2, 2006

Comments: 47

♯ ♪ Oct 16, 2006, 1:03pm UTC
Sometimes solitude is a good thing; as is introspection. It must be a human trait that tells us we crave attention. Obviously, a lot of people on Gather are like this. I find that people who scurry and are busy are hiding from a void inside. They're the poor souls that REALLY need introspection!
Apryl Just Apryl Oct 16, 2006, 1:07pm UTC
I love my solitude and being home with my family. I dislike the phone and I abhor the pop in (people who show up unexpected and uninvited at your door). I have also often wondered about the need some people have to constantly be engaged in conversation and company.
Cecile V. Oct 16, 2006, 1:12pm UTC
I am fortunate....my life is not this way. I'm in solitude most of the time here at my computer - only my animals and in the evenings and weekends my husband here with me. I don't travel to the "big city", spend my days writing, researching, and talking about the past, and when I do travel it's to the places where the past used to be alive but there are few people there now. I have a hard time realizing the rest of the world is out there sometimes...and few people that live within the city limits of Los Angeles can say that like I do, I imagine. I think I am a happier person for that, and thank God for my lifestyle every day!
Ina ♥ ♥ Oct 16, 2006, 1:19pm UTC
I truly concur. When my life gets so hectic that for several days all I do is go to work, run my elderly parents around, attend the necessary social gatherings and try to take care of my home, I feel like I could burst. I don't understand how people can do this on a regular basis. All of our lives "explode" every now and then with the tasks of daily living, but I always look forward to hibernating for several days after one of these events. I can't give back to the world if I don't take the time for ME.
gautami tripathy Oct 16, 2006, 1:21pm UTC
Joanne, I agree. I too believe those who are in a hurry to be seen everywhere are the loneliest of souls. They really do not know what they are seeking. That they will find themselves only when they sit down and think.
gautami tripathy Oct 16, 2006, 1:26pm UTC
April, isn't it wonderful that we are cabable of enjoying our own company?
gautami tripathy Oct 16, 2006, 1:29pm UTC
Cecile, I know how you feel. I too wonder where do they get their energy not to forget time and inclination? I barely have time to pursue my own interests. When we learn to enjoy being with ourselves that's when we realise our own worth.
Richard M. Oct 16, 2006, 1:32pm UTC
gautami... this often runs thru my mind, too. People are so addicted with being somewhere or being with someone. They forget the small pleasures of residing with their own company. In the hustle and bustle of everyday life such intimate moments are lost. If one feels restless, it may be because they have denied the liberating freedom of their minds to soothe the chaos of life.
gautami tripathy Oct 16, 2006, 1:32pm UTC
Ina, you said it! Unless we rejuvenate the "ME" how do we face the world otherwise? I have to with myself to appreciate the world. I do not want to be part of the social structure which is always on the run, not pausing.
Larry H. Oct 16, 2006, 1:34pm UTC
When I was younger and in high school I walked every where I went, some times I rode my bike or ran. Did a lot of running, a lot thinner back then too. My life wasn't running on a fast speed. Today it seems that we are always in a hurry to get some where. Even eating is done in a hurry, if you eat slow and the other person eats fast, I feel hurried to finish so we can rush to the next place. Some times we don't take the time to even smell the rose's.
gautami tripathy Oct 16, 2006, 1:35pm UTC
Olga, I too tend to think I am wasting time making small talks when I would rather be pursuing my writing, reaearching, reading etc etc. I feel detached in the midst of a crowd.
Lynn G. Oct 16, 2006, 1:36pm UTC
I think we've allowed the extroverts to define what is "normal", and many of us don't fit that description. I agree totally that this required "busy-ness" drives me nuts, and I've opted out. I much prefer time to think, to regroup, to connect with good friends instead of hordes of "acquaintances called friends".
gautami tripathy Oct 16, 2006, 1:39pm UTC
Jan, that's what I mean. I like being with myself. Sometimes just to sit and reflect doing nothing.
gautami tripathy Oct 16, 2006, 1:43pm UTC
Richard, isn't it strange most of us think in similar lines? We like to be alone, not be in a hurry, have a small circle of VERY close friends, small talk does not suit us.

Larry: that's right. No time to enjoy the smallest of pleasures. Do we ever stop to enjoy nature?
Martha Jette, Author/Editor Oct 16, 2006, 1:43pm UTC
I think most of what I would have said has already been pointed out here. I truly enjoy solitude. However, I was not always that way. For most of my life I ran the rat race from jobs, to social events, to meetings, time with family, time with friends and on and on. The result was that I woke up one morning and simply passed out. My body was taking no more of it, whether I liked it or not! I had fibromyalgia and that brought me to a grinding halt. I worry now, because my older daughter's life is much like mine was and I can clearly see that she is wearing thin. I am holding my breath and hoping that she will not suffer the same fate. As bad as it was at the time, I have come to appreciate time spent alone, time for writing, reflection and meditation. Now I love it!
gautami tripathy Oct 16, 2006, 1:45pm UTC
True Joe, life is what we think of it to be. I feel it's too short like you. I want to enjoy every bit of it on my terms. Not rushing. Just pausing, looking, smelling, imbibing.

Lynn: I value my few close friends with whom I can share anything.
gautami tripathy Oct 16, 2006, 1:48pm UTC
Martha has been there done that! Thanks Martha, for showing us how it was. I too almost gave in but stopped myself in nick of time. I felt I am more important to myself the way I am. I do not want any pretentions.
Vicky P. Oct 16, 2006, 2:46pm UTC
Most people are afraid of being alone, they feel the need to fill what they call empty time. I was like that once, I was so busy filling my empty time with friends and the bar scene that I forgot what was more important, my daughter. I missed a lot of her teen years because of it and I am so sorry that I did. Now it's not important, I have found myself and am comfortable being alone.
Robin K. Oct 16, 2006, 3:09pm UTC
I love my alone time!

Even now with my husband and son I still love my alone times. There are many evenings when I will leave my son with my husband and head to the bookstore where I can grab some chai and a good book or magazine. I know some people don't understand how I can do this or why I would even want to...but, it makes me ever more thankful to the friends who do understand!!

And, that much more grateful for my hubby who knows how valuable that time is to me. :))
Marsha B. Oct 16, 2006, 3:57pm UTC
I know what you're saying, Gautami. Being an only child I tend to enjoy solitude. Of course since I've met my husband I prefer solitude with him nearby. LOL
Pam F. Oct 16, 2006, 4:03pm UTC
I love my alone time too. I think the only time I really like to be in the thick of things is with my mission and with my writing. I love getting responses and reading other peoples articles... feeling like I am part of this community. Its the same with my Church group too... but I still like time with just my hubby and daughter and son. AND THAT PAM TIME TOO>
Jerry Kays Oct 16, 2006, 5:14pm UTC
Good comments all. It is all about balance !
Spencer T. Oct 16, 2006, 6:33pm UTC
I spent so many years working to solve community problems I had forgotten about me. Now that I have relinguished so much of it I find I enjoy myself a lot. Good article.
John Doyle Oct 16, 2006, 7:25pm UTC
Perhaps it is not so much about attention as it is about agreement. Just look some of the comments about points on gather.
William M. Oct 16, 2006, 7:53pm UTC
I can be happy at home with my wife.
Kathryn Flynn Oct 17, 2006, 12:16am UTC
Gautami, you express an interesting dilemma of human psychology: We crave attention from strangers. There have been studies done on this, and we are sheep; that, too, has been studied Do you remember the 'cottage' phenomena of trying to work alone at home? What happened? People didn't want to work at home tied just to a computer, freelancing. They needed company. And in our very social quest for company, we created gathering places. And in our gathering places, we found our compulsions appeased and teased. And yes, in having our compulsions appeased and teased, we lost ourselves, our souls, our solitude.

I enjoy running and my sports for the few activities in which I am entirely alone, out of my too-busy day.

Thanks for taking the time to point this out.
Entropy A. Oct 17, 2006, 12:24am UTC
As such, people confuse between loneliness and solitude and tend to identify loneliness with solitude. Moreover solitude does not imply indifference to the people around and socitey. In other words "Caring" is also part of solitude.

However, I guess it would be difficult for western individualistic society to be able to relate. Most of us are osciliating between distraction and boredom
Kathryn Flynn Oct 17, 2006, 12:31am UTC
Gautami, I've made this a Feature in Unofficial Gatherholics.

Thanks for this great article.
Krista P. Oct 17, 2006, 9:07am UTC
Solitude is a tough one but really, to be comfortable with others, you have to be at ease inside your own skin. There's no avoiding it. And it takes more work for some than for others to find a quiet inner space. Depends on your age, your culture, your experience, your chemistry...but if there's a will, there's a way. (It does get easier for most as we get older!)
Lead on, dear girl, you're taking people in the right direction!
Hershal P. Oct 17, 2006, 9:50am UTC
"I am thought of as someone gone bonkers"....... nice !

i love solitude.....it allows me to be myself and not get pulled along the flow of trends
Quinn (aka Entwife) Blackburn Oct 17, 2006, 10:29am UTC
"Are we afraid of solitude?" Quiet frankly, yes. Most people Are afraid and most likely for the reasons you gave in this piece. I have never really understood that either, and I've observed this behavior in people from a very early age. Personally, if I don't have a small slice of solitude every day...I go Nuts lol. May Sarton said, Loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is the richness of self. That sounds about right to me lol, but a Lot of people don't recognize a difference between Loneliness and Solitude. Wishing You (quiet) Laughter :)
gautami tripathy Oct 17, 2006, 1:52pm UTC
Thanks for the comments and all kinds of perceptions. The nutshell is, most of us here like to be alone with ourselves and our families. I asked these questions becos I felt that we have stopped enjoying time with ourselves. Even if we are home doing something, we crave attention...Thats how I felt for lots of people. If anyone goes against the grain she/she is assumed to be nuts. Solitude is nothing to be felt afraid of. It means being comfortable with ones ownself. That does not mean the other who is not doing it is wrong. We can all be right in our own ways however kind of life we are leading. But I fail to understand the need to be in a hurry always.

Lets take time to smell the roses!
gautami tripathy Oct 17, 2006, 1:53pm UTC
THanks Kathryn for making it a Feature in Unofficial Gatherholics.
Carol Roach Oct 17, 2006, 4:49pm UTC
gautami there are different personality types, there are extroverts who crave socializing and there are introverts who crave being alone,

that is not to say that the extrovert never wants to be alone or the introvert never wants to be with people, they just like more the classifcation that they are in.

Now being the center of attraction all the time none stop as you say sounds like narcisistic personality disorder and I never knew one person that fit that category though some were questionable I will admit.

I have never been any of those things you said though I am a borderline introvert/extrovert and I did love to socialize at one point a bit more than being alone that is why I was borderline.

Now I prefer my home.

but even in the best of my socializing times, I always preferred a few really good friends, to a group of acquaintances.
gautami tripathy Oct 18, 2006, 6:30am UTC
Yes Carol, there are personality traits. But some don't really how to balance between the two. That is the need.
gautami tripathy Oct 18, 2006, 6:31am UTC
Go ahead Candida... and Wendy...slowing down is the need of the hour.
Wow, great article, gautami!
My husband and I prefer staying home and doing things together, unrushed, more than ever going out and being part of a crowd. I cook (taking my time), I'm here and on various other places on the internet. We have our cats, our son, who lives on his own but we're very, very close, so we do see him. We have a small circle of friends that are pretty much the way we are -- like attracts like (Illusions), and so it is.
The things we do when out of the house, are volunteer, and usually it's quite a bit of work, but we're helping others, and usually our small circle of friends are right there with us. Helping.
We love solitude and aren't lonely. We read, play with the cats and don't go to partys, as it's not important to us. This is a great topic and it is all about balance as our balance is getting out to volunteer at two places in town. And also bringing homemade soaps to a food pantry two towns over, that doesn't have it.

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