Resistance is a habit of fear. I have ways of resisting Light that are so subtle, I swear I have not caused my own blindness. "I can't" is one way; "I am not worthy" is another. I am certain I tell the truth. "Vision is for artists and the saints," I mumble. "I'm more ordinary than that. I do my best. I survive. Maybe I can't expect more."
When a loss is devastating, I start to hold my breath against each moment as it comes. Breathing no longer feels natural. My stomach tightens around my spirit. I begin to fear again that there is no life on the other side of grief. But even in my mumbling, I feel a barely perceptible turn of heart toward the possibility of grace. Only the slightest turn from fear to hope, and the moment becomes light. I can breathe it in, an inhalation of spirit. I can learn that everything is grace.
Adapted from a meditation originally published in my book, Finding Stone. Innisfree Press. 1996.
rate
email
print
link to this page
Comments: 10
Ed, thanks for comparing it to a poem. I seldom dare write poetry. I'd rather risk my prose being called "lyrical," which it often is. I want it sparce with no unnecessary words. I want it to pound, to have rhythm -- and maybe it isn't really prose at all, but not poetry either. I love your poetry, and it is not lost on me that when you first started writing for Gather, you published only prose -- and now you publish mostly poetry, or so it seems to me. The inner process of moving from one form to the other intrigues me.
well written and inspiring
thank you for posting
love and light
I've made this the Lead Feature in Famous Firsts and Not So Famous Firsts.
What a lovely short piece. I thought I'd read it and get away unscathed, able to go on with my email as if nothing happened. But no. You got through. I had to stop and recognize that you said something deep and true. You have a knack for convincing me that you know more than most. That you are connected to a deep and bright reality and somehow are able to find the right words to convey what it's like.
I expect I will always be your fan.
Cheers.
Jim