Oh, For An iPod

I want an iPod.

 

Really. In fact, I believe that I might be the only person left on the planet who truly comprehends the cultural significance of the iPod and yet still doesn't have one.

 

Look, it's become almost a moral imperative for every citizen of the twenty-first century to carry thousands of songs around in a device not much bigger than a stick of gum, instantly accessible (in high fidelity, "with great sound quality and more-than-adequate bass response").  I mean, just imagine a modern physician performing open-heart surgery without being able to enjoy Sonny and Cher's, "I've Got You, Babe!"

It is easy to recognize iPodists on the street. They're the ones with the snow-white earphones stuck in their ears and a dreamy gaze of smug satisfaction on their faces. This look (at least the snow-white earphone part of it) is so recognizable that it has been the focus of Apple's entire iPod advertising campaign.

In fact, those snow-white earphones have now become something of a general fashion statement. Of course in large cities that statement boils down to, "I've got an iPod – you might as well just bash me on the head and take it."

But aside from the getting-your-head-bashed thing, which is probably not that much of a problem here in Whitmore Lake, what could be preventing me from just breaking down and buying an iPod? Well, there are several issues.

First, there is the matter of price. Those things are expensive! I have nearly four thousand songs in my collection, which is more a reflection on the tremendous number of years I've been around to accumulate songs than on my prowess as a song collector. In any case, this means that I would need to buy the largest iPod available, at a correspondingly large price, to accommodate even half of my music.

Which leads to organizational considerations. If I had an iPod that would hold half of my songs, which half should I choose? What if I were to load up on the Judy Collins / Bob Dylan stuff, only to find myself suddenly having an Eric Clapton / Stevie Ray Vaughn kind of day? What if a sudden overwhelming desire for U2 cropped up and all I had on board was Motown and a smattering of doo-wop?

And even assuming that I could put together some sort of meaningful tune-toting strategy, there is the issue of the Accessory Trap. Being a man, it is physically impossible for me to own something without developing an overwhelming desire to soup it up. In this respect the iPod presents a bottomless pit of temptation. Marriage-threatening possibilities range all the way from bullet-proof (if you're talking about a real soft bullet) carrying cases to concert-hall quality speaker/amplifier systems. And naturally, most of these accessories cost a whole lot more than the iPod did in the first place.

Finally there is the issue of potentially wasting technology. The newest iPods have the ability to play movies and television programs on their tiny little super-high-resolution screens. This is great for kids who are able to see items smaller or more intricate than, say a school bus. Speaking as one of the older folks, just the idea of trying to watch a movie on a 2 ½" screen gives me a headache.

So, I guess I won't be getting on board the iPod tech-train any time soon. But now that I think of it, I'm about due for a new cell phone...

Copyright © 2006, Michael Ball


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