I recently took my family to the Ohio Renaissance Festival. If you've never been to a Renaissance Festival, let me try to describe it for you: imagine an amusement park, then remove the rides, the games, the attractions, and the electricity, leaving only the people in costumes, the shows, the overpriced food, and the ridiculous price of admission. Replace the licensed cartoon character designated parking areas with an empty cornfield and you're pretty much up to speed on the Renaissance Festival experience.
We arrived in mid morning after a short drive, paying two dollars for the privilege of parking in Corn Field West. After a short jaunt across the field we arrived at the entrance where we were greeted by a young squire decked out in his authentic Renaissance squire-like garb (including his period appropriate Chuck Taylors) who greeted us with a cockneyed accent. I handed him the tickets that I purchased online.
The first thing you notice upon entering the festival grounds is the smell. Of all the ways the festival tries to present an accurate picture of Renaissance life, the smell probably comes the closest. The intermingling of the odors wafting from the portajohns, the horse stables, and the couple thousand sweating patrons milling through a hot pasture with no access to air conditioning (not to mention the costumed folks who take their authenticity too seriously by shunning modern bathing techniques like soap and deodorant) presents an olfactory sensation rarely experienced outside of a third world country or Grateful Dead concert.
Once you've acclimated to the aroma, feel free to break out your best English-ish accent and communicate with the locals. Even if you don't have a believable English accent in your repertoire, faking one isn't too difficult: ust on't ay eh irst etter en ou alk (translation: just don't say the first letter when you talk). 'retty 'onvincing, eh?
If that's too difficult, then just practice the following phrases:
It's a bit jilly, but the crankers turned out oll rot.
My shimmy's a bit poor, but I'll manage.
Quot a cheeky lummil you got 'ere.
I have no idea what they mean (or if they mean anything at all), but if you mumble fast enough these phrases should help you pass yourself off as a loyal subject of the queen.
While chatting up the locals, we took the opportunity to visit a few of the shops (I'm sorry, shoppes). Besides Renaissance clothing and souvenirs, many of the shoppes also sold authentic looking swords, daggers, and battle axes from the Renaissance. And shurikins; apparently medieval England was rife with ninjas. All of these items were for sale, naturally, and though the idea of trimming the hedges with a five foot broadsword was extremely tempting, I had to pass. In other words, my wife said no.
Besides the ninja throwing stars, there was another rampant historical continuity error visible at the festival. Though separated by hundreds of years of history, pirates seemed quite at home amongst the knights and merry men of jolly ol' England. After the success of the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie, the festival tried to capitalize on the new found interest in pirates by offering pirate themed shows and shoppes. A pirate ship was constructed right next to the jousting area, making the festival grounds look as if they were designed by a kid mixing and matching his LegoLand playsets.
We hung around the festival until the afternoon so we could watch the joust. The joust is marquee event of the Renaissance festival, where two men dress up in armor and try to impale the other on a long spike. There was some complicated points system involved that no one except for the people involved seemed to understand. After the joust we were able to spend some time with one of the knights, a Sir Brian (there's a Monty Python joke in there somewhere). After giving his armor a compulsory knock (I couldn't resist), he told us that besides the festivals there are actual jousting competitions with cash prizes for the winners. There's even a push to get jousting recognized as an official sport. I wished him luck then gave his armor another knock. He told me to stop.
All in all, it was quite a fun day at the Renaissance festival. As we drove home (windows down of course), we reflected on how charming it must have been to live in those times. The chivalry! The pageantry! The smell!
Of all the fascinating quirks the Renaissance has to offer, there is one aspect of the modern age that no other period of human history can ever hope to top.
Internet mail order. My broadsword arrives in six weeks.
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Comments: 16
Last year my boys' school held a Ren Faire-lite, a miniature version in the school gym. I was on the entertainment committee and they had me wander the hall and sing.
My oldest son followed me through the gym. He lifted one Spock eyebrow and tapped me on the shoulder.
"Are you singing what I think you're singing?" He had the accusatory tone of an old man.
And yeah, he was right. The song was funny and full of double-entendres, but all Ren Faire music is like that, is sexy and corny and full of references to "lances" and "milkmaids" and makes you blush and giggle as you sing. I explained this to him, told him how Ren Faires are bigger than the Grateful Dead, hell it's the same crowd, all full of bikers and folks belonging to the Society for Creative Anachronism, dressed in full regalia! They sling insult and turkey legs from one side of the faire to the other, reveling in beer and juggling and dragon fights and herbology and bagpipes and...
My son held up his hand like a police street guard and stopped my enthusiasm.
"Uh, mom? This is the PTA crowd. The only fire-breathing dragon here is Mrs. Scofield."
Too darn true.
Great story, Chris, I loved this, it brought back so many funny memories!
And really, corsets and weaponry are the best part.
Nice article. And I agree, there is a decided funk in the air. Renaissance faires are often in the summer and these fur clad, tightly corsetted high bossomed maidens perspire the ale that marks a day of debauchery and lust. After two beers, you get into it.
You have nailed it perfectly.
When they first started the Ohio Ren Faire, I went a few times, but it became such so commercial, I haven't been back in recent years. I liked the human chess board also.
I enjoyed the Ren Fest, but being the observer that I am I couldn't help but nitpick continuity errors. Granted, pirates have been around as long as there have been boats/caravans, but these were Caribbean-ish pirates, me-heartying and aye-aye-ing there way through the fairgrounds. Are there pirate fests? Perhaps there should be.
Carl re: yellow, I had heard that.
Birdy, yes the double entendres and euphamisms were definitely out in full force. Perhaps by next year when I'm a staff writer for a newspaper (wishful thinking) my writing chops will allow me behind the scenes access to the festival.