Clinton to Chelsea: I Did Not Have Sex With Your Mother

CHAPPAQUA, New York. Energized by his head-to-head battle on Fox News Sunday with journalist Chris Wallace, former President Bill Clinton today launched a new front in his battle to reclaim his legacy, informing his daughter Chelsea that he "did not have sex with that woman—your mother."

"I think you know the kind of bodacious babe I've scored with," the former president said to his alleged daughter in an email. "Jennifer Flowers, Kathleen Willey, Juanita Broderick. If I can make it with women like that, why would I bother with a piano-legged nerd with Coke bottle glasses like your mother?"

"But daddy," Chelsea fired back almost immediately. "What about Paula Jones—she's a skank. And Monica Lewinsky is an overweight JAP."

Because the message was not delivered verbally, veteran Clinton observers could not gauge its veracity. "If he's wagging a finger or making that one-eyed squint of his, you know he's lying," said David E. Alsobrook, Director of the William Jefferson Clinton Memorial Library. "In writing, it's anybody's guess."

Long-time Clinton observers have believed for years that Hillary Clinton has incriminating evidence that causes the former President to maintain at least the appearance of a continuing conjugal relationship with her.

"I think it's cultural," said former Clinton staff member Ernest Hawkins. "When they met at Yale he was still a hick. He likes to tell people who visit his office in Harlem that he's a big jazz fan, but back then he couldn't pick Billie Holiday out of a police line-up. He thought Boots Randolph was the King of Bebop." Randolph is the Nashville saxophonist whose biggest hit was the novelty number "Yakety Sax".

On Fox News Sunday, Clinton took exception to a question that Wallace asked about his administration's efforts to capture Osama bin Laden.

Wallace: . . . but the question is why didn't you do more, connect the dots and put them out of business?

Clinton: You wanna know why?

Wallace: That's what I asked you.

Clinton: I'll tell you why. Your dad had a very bad case of acne, and I never sandbagged him with a question like "Did you ever have a date in high school, or did you have to go stag?"

Wallace: I don't see what that . . .

Clinton: Of course you don't. You don't know how to connect the dots either. Pee Wee Herman, now there's a guy who could connect the dots. "La la la, connect the dots." Remember that?

Wallace: Sure—and Jambi the Genie? "Mekka lekka hi, mekka hinee ho."

Clinton: That's right. And Pee Wee masturbated in a porn theatre, which I never did. I did it in the White House, which is a very historical house in Washington, D.C.

Wallace: I know that.

Clinton: I'll bet you didn't. I see you've got that little smirk on your face.

Wallace: That's not a smirk. I jutht got bak fom tha dentitht.

Clinton: Now you're faking it.

Wallace: All right—you caught me. But I wasn't smirking—I just look goofy.

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton deflected questions regarding the episode by invoking her family's right to privacy. "I gave Ladies Home Journal an exclusive on this one, and I'm not going to betray that confidence."

Copyright 2006, Con Chapman