When Needy People Become Controlling

One year a refugee from Iran came to the organization. He was a widower with had a 15-year old son. His wife was mysteriously run over by an ambulance in Iran, during the time of the Ayatollah Komani. He believed the government was behind it. He fled his homeland and came to Canada.

Being so new to the country, he was yet to make friends and thought he would start with the single parent organization.

I know what is it to be lonely, as I suspect most of you do as well. I spent quite a bit of time talking to him over the phone. I gave him a lot of attention which perhaps he interpreted to mean other things. Never once did I lead him on to believe I wanted a romantic involvement with him. I was doing my job as a human being to help make his transition to his new country as comfortable as possible.

He started getting demanding. The more attention I gave him the more he wanted. It seemed it was never enough. He started to take on some very possessive characteristics. He seemed to resent that I did not give him my exclusive attention. I explained to him that I had my own personal friends, as well as my duties as a membership director. He did understand that I had a young son and wanted to tag along everywhere with us. It was apparent he wanted more than a friendship, and he was way too possessive. I once again reiterated how there would be nothing physical between us. He was not my type. Furthermore I was not looking for a boyfriend at that point in my life.

We spoke a few times about his controlling nature and how it was not appropriate. He was a friend and although I was spending time talking to him, he was not to consider it as anything I would not do for anyone else. I mentioned I knew what it felt like to be lonely and I was happy to have my friends helping me through that period and was now I offering the same kindness to him. He was not to consider it as a pledge of my undying love, or that we were a couple or to take it out of context.

I was starting to feel uncomfortable with the situation and wondering if I had made a mistake with him. Frankly he was calling me too much and he was now starting to get on my nerves. He would call me every night, but it was his demanding nature that irked me the most. It was as if he expected me to stop whatever I was doing and just talk to him.

One night he called in the middle of dinner. I told him I would him call back after I had finished eating and washing the dishes. This was about 6 pm. However before I had a chance to get back to him the phone rang and it was a female friend of mine, so of course we started talking.

It was now about 7pm. At 7:15, he called for the second time to ask me if I finished with supper yet. I explained that I was on the phone I'd call him back; not to worry.

I no sooner get off the phone when another friend called. Incidentally, this is a friend I hadn't heard from in awhile and we needed to catch up. At 8 pm he called for the third time and I am still talking to the second friend in question.

I told him I haven't forgotten about him, but I was on a very important and unexpected call, I would get back to him. He appeared to be angry, demanding to know what was so important that I had to talk about. I responded by letting him know that was no concern of his. Suffice to say that I gave him my word and at the first opportunity I had I would call him back.

"You know I go to bed at 10 pm," he responds.

"I am well aware of that, I promise I will give you a call before 9:30. I really need to take this call." I explained.

I figured by giving him the time frame, it should be enough, but apparently it wasn't. At 8:30 pm, he calls yet again to ask me if I am still on the phone.

"Yes, I am still on the phone with my friend and we are still catching up." I say rather icily since this is the forth call from him.

I don't know if he was just sitting by the phone and starring at it, while waiting on my call or not, but this behaviour was well out of hand. By this time he had worn my patience thin. He literally demanded too much of me. I let him know in no uncertain terms how he was too controlling and my life did not revolve around him. I had been more than nice to him, extending much of my time to him because he was lonely but to infringe upon my life and to tell me how long I am to talk on the phone with other people was where I drew the line.

I told him never to call me again. Now, we would see each other at functions and there would be no further personal correspondence between us.

The last time I saw him, he was up in another woman's face and she looked very distressed. I can only imagine what he was putting her through.