A Couple More Funnys... :)

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the  stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so, of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, rough bearded man is standing there. "Name's JR, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."
"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As JR is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"
"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
Don't much matter .... Just gonna be the two of us."

  A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare.  I'd
really rather have a job."
 The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.  You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.  Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.  You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.  You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.  You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."
 The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullsittin' me!"
 The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."