The full half glass

Back from the first day of  the Jewish New Year prayer services.

My  daughter wanted to go to the big Synagogue in town, we couldn't walk too far, new shoes and all..we made it to the Jewish community where the children could run around and meet some children they knew.

The children were dressed in various styles, my daughter had a new pair of silver sports shoes she adored and a new jacket , she looked like she came from the 1950's , middle  son (8) had on a bow tie and a sweatshirt proclaiming him to be a bird watcher,  small son (6 years old)  had a formal light blue shirt with a collar , i told he looked like a millionaire , that kept the shirt on!

I went to  the women's section, sat all the way in the back next to an elderly woman and noticed ; some were reading, following along, i tried to take a peek, where are they reading now? every now and then the rabbi would say in German page 497, i never managed to find it even though i had purchased the standard local prayer book , looking around i had noticed everyone had different versions, and were on different pages!

Even though i read and speak Hebrew sometimes it is a challenge to find, where are they reading now?

Some people were just listening, and still others were chatting to eachother quietly..

A grand daughter kissed her grandmother , some children were running around..my children disappeared somewhere with a promise for Coca Cola..

All of the sudden my daughter turned up for all of a minute..the melodies helped keep the attention on the book.

Praising the creator seemed a good way of spending my time. It felt good to read positive words.

The words compassionate and full of mercy came to mind..

A revelation came to me while sitting in the back row seeking the place to read, that perhpas i had been expecting too much from people.perhaps the man in the Jewish books and Bagel was right, i thought, perhaps one should talk to the eternal creator about matters and not expect people to be compassionate and full of mercy, after all they are only human .

It felt good to hear the melodies . At times you were supposed to stand up, other times sit, it felt like an orchestra played with several organs, legs(standing and sitting) , eyes(reading) heart (feeling)

I enjoyed reading some words i knew from different passages in bible, tried to read and leave certain words in my thoughts, enjoyed the solemn melody..

Since it was a Saturday there was no ram's horn (shofar ) blown but the service was a memorable one as i felt peace at last.I tried to concentrate on the connection, tried not to let my eyes wonder seeing people i know and did not want to connect with and allowed my self to connect to whatever i wanted to, at that moment it was a connection to the chain of generations that had been worshipping the creator since the time of the temple and before.

I thought about a game my daughter described while we were walking, it is called being in the stone age, you had to take off your watch and whatever did not belong in the stone age, praying felt like that, i  left behind whatever did not belong there..

It felt good to take off a load, to realize not everything is in my hands..to give someone else the job, it's your world, deal with it.

I realized i have to meet somewhere half way, half way between not knowing where i am going and knowing where i come from.

The services ended at noon , people wished eachother a happy new year , i did not know anyone to say that to except the mother of a boy that is in the same first grade class as my son, she kept going in and out, when i came out i realized why , her son was banging the water tank , my small son looked on smiling, my children wanted to go home for lunch.

I met a  pair of teachers from my daugher's school with their small children, they had attended the small  Sephardic service , their smiles were contagious,then  i found some people there i knew and wished them a happy new year.i felt lots of warmth there.

My place was clearly in the middle east with the Jews who were expelled from Spain during  the middle ages  and wondered off to Iraq, Morocco..they were warm and open and friendly however i also felt at home with the solemn and introverted Eshkanazi service of my European forefathers who had wandered around Europe  for centuries and le services that spoke of the sadness of the destiny of the Jews there..

Yehuda Halevi had said in one of his poems:

"My heart is in the east but my body is in the west"

I thought about divisions; women-men, Sephardic-Eshkenazi, Orthodox-conservative, etc.

Divisions enable you to choose a certain style , a group that does things the way you want it, sad-happy, certain melodies and memories you bring back from your childhood as your heritage, and yet i felt a need to peek over the line of division , to search for the common thread, what we all have in common.

On the way we found time to talk about things that bothered the children, especially middle son, there were incidents, kicking, a small slap, but we managed to get back to Monica who was watching the dog for us..she invited us in, inside the birds were hopping in their large cage, Buddah was smiling as always, incense burned..

She offered a tablet of chocolate to the children who accepted it with much enthusiasm, i only thought of the stains..but agreed, it has been a long time without food and the ginger bread cookies i carried in my bag disappeared quickly on the way..

We went home, we all took off our fancy cloths , i went to sleep, just like my grandparents and parents always did  during a  holiday  ,a Chinese book ("eating chinese food naked") next to me as a reminder of other worlds that are a lot the same..i have been reading that book foerever now, always falling asleep with it . The boys full of energy after Knedlei soup and chicken changed to their sports cloths and went out to play with the neighberhood boy who came to call, my daughter went into her room to make jewlery, the dog went to sleep too ..

Later that day we went to the woods, the children were running around full of energy, i sat on a bench with my thoughts trying to manage the dog and the children and keeping everyone happy and out of eachother's hair.

The skies turned a grey end of the day color , gold was to come later, in my sleep as i fell asleep to the Sponge Bob movie, the three children tucked in watching the Sponge search for a crown, i managed to mumble to the children, don't forget to brush teeth..

At night i dreamed about charity, helping other people less fortunate , i dreamed of a woman standing next to my home with a baby carriage seeking cloths for the baby..i went to my celler and found some old baby cloths, i felt attached to but i let go, and gave her a suit with some pattern of hearts.

My thoughts were good and kind and loving, as i dreamed about another world beyond.