"It has struck me that people who aren't getting enough sex are always very fascinated by it, even if the fascination takes the form of them being very very cross that other people are getting some."
- John Cleese, comedian
Good line, John.
When I was in high school, a common behind-the-back statement about a cranky person was "Well, she's (he's) not getting enough."
In the western world, where sex is in our faces on television, in movies, in video games, on billboards and flyers and on the sides of buses, we have been unknowingly taught to believe that an important component--some would say the most important component--of the life of each person, whether in a committed relationship or not, is a steady supply of sex.
Those who want something different, by unreasonable deduction, must be mentally unbalanced.
I say unreasonable because most of us miss out on an important component of our lives, one that often goes hand in hand with sex: touch. Specifically touch that moves over all or parts of our bodies.
Sex, as we know, is driven by hormones. Every species that reproduces by sexual means has some version of sexual need that is triggered by hormones.
Where does touch come into it? Loving touch is often the action by one human lover that turns on the hormone rush in the other prior to sex. But there's more.
Touch is a basic human need. Not quite at the level of nutrition and water as needs. More like our need for shelter. Our prehistoric ancestors lived for many millennia without the kinds of shelter we have today. But they still sought some for of shelter from the weather and from predators. They needed shelter.
Often they sought this huddled together, in trees, in a cave or behind a big rock. The slept touching each other, as big cats and many other non-human mammals do today, ones we think of as social animals.
Today the most touch that people get is from their bed partner, as they sleep. That touch, however, seems not sufficient to satisfy our need for touch.
We need a moving kind of touch. As we do when we pat a dog or cat. These pets do whatever they can to get us to pat them. Not because they are bored, but because they need to have moving touch.
We need that kind of touch too. Elderly people thrive better when they have a mate or a pet living with them that they touch frequently. Hospital and nursing home patients heal better when pets are introduced into their environment.
Those who are potentially suicidal--notably those who attempt suicide without intending to succeed (which constitutes a large majority of suicide attempts)--suffer from a severe lack of moving touch.
Ornery and angry people suffer from lack of sufficient moving touch. Unfortunately, by the time they reach this stage, they believe (have made themselves believe) that they don't need anybody, that they don't need touch. Even with the best coaching by a touch therapist or a mate, they never completely recover from that period of touch starvation.
They may also never be good at giving touch to a mate. Witness how many women complain that their husbands want sex, but seem clumsy or reluctant when it comes to being affectionate.
Children need touch perhaps more than anyone. Remember, they came into existence being totally surrounded by nine months of constant moving touch. Then there is separation. No wonder they cry.
Unlike pet cats and dogs, children often don't ask for touch, especially if they are not used to being touched (hugged, rubbed on the back, snuggled against) regularly by their parents or siblings. In this sense, cats and dogs are smarter than human children.
Any child up to the age of about 11 years can easily accept a new effort by a parent to engage in moving touch. After age 11, they tend to look for it in their peers and will likely want to avoid touch from their parents. Preadolescent and adolescent boys and girls find all sorts of way to touch each other, mostly for non-sexual reasons. Team sports are excellent examples of how kids satisfy their need for moving touch in socially acceptable ways.
It may not be sex that John Cleese's very, very cross people lack, but moving touch.
The loneliest people feel the greatest sense of need for the touch of another person. People get married to the wrong mates just to get moving touch on a regular basis.
Rapists may be driven not so much by the need for violence or for sex, but for the touch of another person.
No child who lacks sufficient moving touch will be happy, no matter what service the school provides or how many toys the parents give. The child will likely be no more than an average student, no matter what his intelligence. He may also have trouble with social relationships and have trouble reading.
Don't expect proof of this because it has not been studied. The evidence is only anecdotal at this point.
What is a massage therapist but a professional who makes people feel better with moving touch? Healing touch therapy does not involve actual touch, but the hands of the healer move close enough to the patient that body heat is exchanged. Reiki works because of the application of hands touching, not voodoo magic.
Touch is our most underrecognized need.
A smile is nice, even warming to another person. But find a way to touch them in a non-sexual and non-threatening way and you may make yourself a friend.
Bill Allin
'Turning It Around: Causes and Cures for Today's Epidemic Social Problems,' striving to put hands to use as healers.
Learn more at http://billallin.com
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Comments: 28
there are cultural differences in touch and you will notice that societies that touch more ,like those in the east, will have a low sauicide rate!!where is the highest sauicide rate? in the west and the cold north where people prefer the bottle than to touch..
i disagree about rape being motivated from a need to touch though, it is motivated from a need to violate space and comes from a deep disrespect to another human being which comes from a lack of good boundaries..violence is never about touching but always about inflicting pain
I have thought a lot about touch and the need for it. There is so little non-sexual touch that is approved of in our society these days. Especially in American culture.
I have come to believe, after reading "The Continuum Concept" by Jean Liedloff, that a sort of hole inside is created by how we treat our babies. Her theory is that the power of touch and human contact is underestimated...that babies need a ton of it...and that we are too busy puting them in their stroller, playpen, crib, car seat, jumpy seat, or swing, to give them enough touch, which in turn results in a deep sense of insecurity. Further, her theory is that this lack of touch results in many of the addictive behaviors we see in our society today (because people try to fill their holes with temporary gratification in whatever form they find it). I would totally agree with her assessment.
My daughter has grown up getting a lot of touch, especially when she was little. At 12 years old she has a self-confidence and centeredness that few others her age have. I guess I decided to raise her the way I wish I had been raised, and not the left to cry herself to sleep variety of parenting. So far, it's working like a charm.
How very fortunate your daughter is to have grown up with a massage therapist as a mother. You know how important touch is. You also know how it works both ways.
No. I knew there was something else. Both from my own upbringing and with my own children. So, if that's what he chooses I have to let him practice it. He doesn't even realize it. Seriously.
I do though. So sometimes I will scratch his back or rub his hair until he pushes me away, but he always loves it. I think it is something in him that doesn't feel worthy. He's wrong. Which is why I always do it again haha
15 years we have been married in December~and we would not have made it past 5 without me pushing the touch factor. I'm listening, keep talking Bill. About whatever...:)
Might a rapist be acting out his hate for his mother, a hate brought on by lack of touch from the person he needed most as a child? The dots seem to connect.
However, I am uncomfortable about people giving up at any age.
I think their may be support groups and a few church groups that encourage hugging.
How about writing a personal ad for a newspaper's classified section, mentioning your wanting to meet someone who likes to "hold hands, take walks together and snuggle on the sofa." The touching aspect should discourage the crazies and it might bring a load of replies from people you could only hope were out there.
Some people just need to have their need for more touch pointed out to them, then they tune in and think they might have found the right person.
OK, that's the end of my therapy. It's not my area of expertise.
I have to think more about this one. My parents weren't very affectionate but I knew they loved me through other actions that didn't involve touch and I excelled in school and I seem to be well adjusted socially. Guess my personal experience is a bit different than most.
And after being Foster Parents and seeing the children who came to us, the ones who'd never had any affection at all in their lives, but more the opposite, they still, once they trusted you even a little bit, wanted that hug....
Our son was raised the same way and to this day, he's 29, he is very affectionate.
Funny, as I grew up in a not very touching home, and when my father touched, it was inappropriate- so I did overcome it, and I'm so glad I did. I know the difference between the two and healing, caring touching is so much more.
I'm really glad you wrote this... :)
Oops, forgot Hugs to all !!!!
In Halifax, Nova Scotia, we have what people call The Hug Lady. Around age 52, her husband died and she had no one else at home. What she missed more than anything else after the grieving period was over was hugs from her husband.
She decided to go out on the street and give hugs to strangers. She asks first if they would like a hug, no conditions, and about 80 percent of the strangers she meets welcome them.
Oh, yes, you can be sure that she has "regulars," such as at bus stops and stores.
How much intelligence does it take? How much physical ability? How much skill or strength? This lady uses what she has to make people feel good and to feel good herself in the process.
She says that she was a little shy the first time or two. Then it got easy.
She just asks if a stranger would like a hug, and most respond that they would love one. Mind you, she doesn't look frightening. She has an air of maturity about her that suggests that there is no sexual intent inferred, so none should be implied.
You can be certain that this lady will be remembered by the people of Halifax long after she is gone.
What a legacy!
How long does it take to develop a skill like that? How much talent?
Just drop one of the stupid little inhibitions we have, like the one where we don't talk to anyone in an elevator.
Want to make a stranger feel really good? Just smile at them and say something nice on an elevator.
But save the hug for outside the elevator, I think.
I met my wife (of 20 years) when I placed a personal ad in a newspaper classified section. It was well worded, explaining the kind of person I was and what I was looking for in a mate.
I received over 100 replies, met about 20 (for coffee), remet a few. Then I returned to a letter that I had previously rejected, but one that was also well written and explained, in general terms, about herself what I had explained about myself. Even our first meeting was inauspicious--she hardly spoke. But something was right.
We are very different from each other, though we share a huge amount in common. Touch and moving touch are the glue that hold us together.
May the force of your own will to fulfill your own need be with you, Serina.
Oh, and second best may be better than best once the shine wears off the paint.
I don't have time, because of commitments, but maybe one of you would like to begin a hug support group on Gather. I am serious and I believe there is a great need for this among us.
I, for example, would join and be happy to lend my experience and expertise as a recovered touch-starved child and adult. I would also repost the initial invitation that the group owner posted about the group to my own network, to help swell the numbers faster.
We need this. It's more important than Iraq and recipes.
I just thought how much touching you need was a learned behavior from my experience with my family and friends in Hawaii - a state with a predominantly Japanese population - and my experience here on the mainland. People here hug a lot more than I'm used to and it was a bit disconcerting at first. I'm used to it now but I am rarely one to initiate touching people.
We also have a basic need for intellectual stimulation. But that is practised radically differently from one culture to another, which is why some cultures seem to grow smart children or others seem to have elderly people who can hardly think at all.
I wish I could pursue that further, but I won't in this thread.