"Circumstances do not make the man, they merely reveal himself to himself."
- Epictetus, Greek/Roman philosopher (c.55 – c.135 C.E.)
This assumes the desire and willingness to find out about himself. No trivial matter.
Do you really want to find out about yourself? From my experience, most people don't really want to know what is at the heart of themselves.
They are afraid of what they might find.
At what might they find? Faults? Weaknesses? Grave errors? Genetic mistakes? Chasmic gaps in their childhood development? Almost certainly.
But they would also find their strengths. Some people don't know their strengths because others have not pointed them out or because they have not worked hard enough to find them out themselves. A small minority believe they don't have any strengths. Such people are emotionally fragile.
We have been socialized, at least in the western world, to understand that we will be judged by our weaknesses, our mistakes and anything that make us different from perfection. Many people cover these as much as possible, refusing to acknowledge that they are not perfect. Many even attribute their own mistakes to others to take the heat and attention off themselves.
You may not be among these people, but no doubt you know some.
Who judges us this way? Based solely on the negative? In almost every case, people we should not care about. Unless, of course, they are our mother, in which case they may be forgiven for wanting us to improve, to be our best.
We have no reason to care about neighbours or workmates who judge us by our mistakes or our weaknesses. If such people were worthy of our care, they would help us to overcome these problems. If they don't, they are not worthy of our time or our care.
Treasure the people who acknowledge your strengths. They are not just rare, but they have a quality about them that makes them worth knowing. And, usually, worth learning from.
Finding such people is like prospecting for gold. You go through a lot of rock, sand and detritus before you find the real goods. Like gold, they never lose their value.
More importantly, they never lose your value.
Bill Allin
'Turning It Around: Causes and Cures for Today's Epidemic Social Problems,' striving to help every child become an adult worth associating with.
Learn more at http://billallin.com
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Comments: 47
Let's separate adults into two groups (arbitrary, I know): those who feel confident about themselves and those who do not. The advice in the article is for those who lack sufficient confidence in themselves to know enough to ignore the arrogant and insensitive boors. The other group already does that.
The trick is to encourage the self-confident ones to do as you suggest, to help the ones who need it but don't show their needs appropriately.
People don't misbehave because they want to be bad. Almost no one tells themselves that they want to murder someone, become a drug addict or abuse a loved one. These people have problems that I believe are not addressed by psychologists, who want to patch up the cancer or find out how they had a secret love affair with a parent (Freudians). Often the "bad guys" are socially or emotionally underdeveloped, or maldeveloped. This can often be addressed by a support group, as someone mentioned in an article I published a few days ago. It's a long process and the group leader has to have a damend good idea of what the objectives are. And these must be conveyed to the whole group so that everyone knows their responsibilities as a group participant and as a helper.
This would work in a prison setting, for example. I know we can't pull bullies off the street, for example, but bullies always go on to commit other offences because their developmental needs seldom are fulfilled.
It would even work for a church group, provided that the participants joined voluntarily.
But...I ramble.
deb ;)
I am just grateful for the parents I had who made me realize my own potential and how to compensate for any weaknesses. That's certainly another thing people should learn in school - the life lessons aspect of it.
Marsha, you obviously had good parents. You chose well.
I didn't have any parents, having hatched from an ostrich egg. To this day no one knows how I got in there.
I agree that children should learn their weaknesses. How else can you strive to improve your weaknesses? Once the weaknesses become public knowledge within a classroom, many students can help each other. Of course this assumes that the teachers have training for this.
I have found that most kid like to help others who need them. They naturally look for ways to bond with others, or even just to help them.
We do each have individual consciousness, we are subjected to the thoughts of all around us, especially those thoughts directed at ourselves.
We do not have to be subjected to those thoughts,
We do have individual consciousness.
The only way to turn those thoughts away is with acceptance of the thinker, but not of the thoughts.
One that I struggle to uphold with a few people who appear irregularly as commenters of my Gather articles. Sometimes I concerns me that these people are walking the streets of someone's city.
Accept the thinker, not the thoughts. I will remember that.
You really must have ticked off someone at Gather. Two of your articles were inaccessible to me today.
Profane words in English are mostly of Anglo Saxon origin. Their "acceptable" counterparts are of French origin. The distinctions between these two sets of words were made when the French Normans controlled the English crown for a few centuries. The court spoke only French (it did until a mere century ago). English was considered, by the nobility, to be coarse and crude.
Do the math on why Anglo Saxon words are swear words and French-originated words are acceptable (though often not used because of the influence of prudish Queen Victoria, who left us a cruel moral legacy).
I found it very interesting...about the Anglo Saxon, French and English distinctions...never really knew that...very cool ! I would have to wonder how many of our school children know that and of its importance...Maybe in Canada, but I doubt it here in the US...
It kind of throws a different light on profanity, doesn't it? Today we would call it racism, or at least prejudice.
As with all instances of hypocrisy that abound in our society, even words are either profane or acceptable based on their cultural (language) origins.
By the way, Anglo Saxon (aka Old English) had many short words. You know, four letter words. Sound familiar?
Others should adjust the time range for your particular time zone.
Unless, of course, the two are weapons in a duel. In that case, the pen person had better have a fountain pen that can splash ink in the opponent's eyes. And he had better have shoes that are good for running.
First, I think it is a natural, necessary human way of being to judge people you don't know. In its most basic form, without this initial categorization, it would be virtually impossible to navigate through a crowded street, feeling comfortable talking to person X, while shielding yourself from person Y. Point: Neighbors who judge me on my weakness are not necessarily bad, unworthy, or even necessarily wrong. I should only dismiss those who hold that narrow judgment after having had an opportunity to know me and judge me that way. But, I get your point that you are appealing to those who are so focused on these judgments that they become paralyzed, obsessed, stagnant in growth, etc.
Second, I used to be someone who lived (mostly) by how I thought others judged me. Of course, I just assumed people cared about my appearance and choices as much as I did. What I realized is that the reason I thought others judged me so harshly at such a distance was because that is what I was doing. I judged others so harshly that I alienated myself from befriending them. My standards for simply being human were ridiculous, and I held myself to these same standards.
I think that this realization about my own contributions to the situation was the single most important moment for me on this subject - the concept that shifted my thinking inward and made it possible for me to empower myself. Instead of becoming paralyzed when I feel judged like this, I see it as a sign that I need to consider what judgment I might be making (and projecting) in an effort to protect myself.
I don't know if I'm being articulate enough to get this across, but I did find your article inspiring (as evidenced by my ability to at least attempt sentences before my first cup of coffee). Thank you!
Linda, you are oh so right. It's an extremely difficult job to persuade people that they have strengths, what they are and they should use them to advantage. They have believed for so long that they are only weak and without personal advantages that they can't turn their lives around.
Amy, excellent job before even one cuppa.
Most of us would be shocked if we knew how little anyone cares about us, about how we dress, about our hair or nails or anything else. One quick glance, maybe a comment, and it's forgotten for them.
Empowering yourself makes you unusual. Nice going!
Peter, such well considered comments are typical for Gather.
And I agree, it is difficult to find those who can subtley point out our faults and help us improve.
Your article takes an interesting turn. I've been walking the road of ignoring and avoiding the negative-sayers around, while seeking out and welcoming the company of positive supporters. It's a path with a harshly cold side when the people you have to avoid are family.
But real confidence can only take so much beating before needing to be built-up again, by having your good qualities acknowledged and pointed to by others.
I recently received a community spirit award for my helpfulness and openness with others.
The fact that I wasn't deliberately working to earn the award, that it came to me incidentally, bolsters me in my struggle to actualize that I am more than just "not as bad as I could be" (a label attached by my favorite boors).
Apparently, just being myself really IS valuable to others.
Thanks for the article.
Linda, I think you are right. People may not know what to do with their strengths after so many years of not believing that they have any. Are they afraid that they might abuse their own strengths? Maybe. My guess is rather that they do not know how to explore and exploit their new-found strengths. It may be a fear of the unknown.
Thanks, Ken. I agree that the comments that follow an article add so much to the value of the original article.
Not just difficult, Matthew, but rare. I believe that this is a skill that could be taught. And that a real friend could use this skill to advantage. But we in the west have lost track, to a great extent, of what real friends are. Many of us seem to think that a friend is someone who can help us today.
Stop talking to yourself, Matthew. Talk to someone else. You may find a different you than you thought existed.
People who lack self confidence need to ignore the naysayers and the destructive forces. Those with more confidence, however, need to use the opposition to strengthen themselves. We can't grow unless we have some opposition to work against. In an atmostphere that is all praise and warm fuzzies, we sink into mediocrity.
Thanks for your wise thoughts.
Thanks for your comment, JJ. It sounds as if you have a friend who not just knows you but who cares. Maybe you could explore the idea of a career change with that person and learn of one that would suit your personality.
We find it too easy to discover weaknesses and faults in ourselves and strengths (maybe even perceived perfection) in others that we may conclude that we are less than others around us. Talk about the harm in not knowing all the facts!
On a strictly emotional level (which is what all advertising appeals to), there could be an unconscious connection in the minds of consumers between "the pursuit of happiness" and the perceived need to improve ourselves.
Advertising's main message is: you aren't good enough as you are, you need more, specifically our product.
Now, if enough Americans believe that they aren't good enough because they have been persuaded of this by industry advertising, that could create an atmosphere of insecurity that the political right could play into.
So, indirect connection maybe, direct connect, I doubt it.
I agree that separating all brain functions is simplistic, as no two people are alike when it comes to anything. But advertising, is taught at college as being a pitch that addresses a need or creates one that doesn't exist. It uses emotion to tweak the consumer's emotional voice to say that he or she must buy in order to satisfy that need.
However, people buy all sorts of things to compensate for unsatisfied needs of other sorts, such as lack of moving touch of another person or lack of someone who will listen to what they have been thinking about or who will praise something they have done or thought.
I have memory holes where I can remember things that happened 40 years ago but not what I had for lunch yesterday. I rarely forget a face and I remember figures well (most of them female). But names, not so much.
Motivation that appeals to the cognitive part of the brain is a tough sell, no matter what the object or argument. Appealing to the emotions is easy once you learn how. Leaders of political parties, terrorist organizations and religious sects know how to appeal to the emotions well. They know their sociology. Most people don't.
Successful appeal to the intellect could be called a form of brainwashing. People recover from an assault on their emotions by a sales message. Reprogramming someone who has been brainwashed by an appeal to the intellect is extremely difficult and time-consuming, only to be attempted by a professional with experience in reprogramming.
Question: Are US war supporters intellectually brainwashed or emotionally damaged?
My opinion: The latter. They can and will recover when a viable alternative is presented. Too bad the US does not seem to have a viable alternative in place.
Your dichotomy is a misreading or misinterpretation of what I intended. There is no either-or, as both sides use similar tactics. And both lack sufficient evidence to make a rational choice.
An apparently intellectual argument can very well be aimed at an emotional level. Gather discussions are full of such arguments.
Let's pick this up following another article so that others can join us. Whether on-topic or off.
I enjoyed this analogy.