"If you don't run your own life, somebody else will."
- John Atkinson, Baron Atkinson of Glenwilliam (1844–1931)
This lesson should be taught to everyone. While many people today give the running of their lives over to others, desiring to satisfy what others want of them rather than what they want for themselves, a few take total control of their lives. This is often done after making several critical mistakes that teach how important it is to run their own lives.
Teaching that lesson brings with it the obligation to ensure that each person has the tools with which to make the decisions needed to run their own life.
At present, children go to school mostly to learn the skills and knowledge they need to get jobs. Some parents assist with this to make certain that their children have better jobs than their peer group.
Some teachers and some parents teach life skills. Their children find mates they stay with for life. They have families and enjoy as much of the life available to them as they can.
However, statistics tell us that not nearly enough adults fit into this latter category.
Does that mean that parents are failing in their responsibilities? It certainly means that many parents are not teaching what their kids need to make comfortable lives for themselves.
But is that the fault of the parents? No. Most new parents know very little about what young children need, how to recognize the onsiet of their needs and the stages of development (especially social and emotional development) that their children will go through. What's more, they don't even know that they should ask about what they don't know. They assume they will learn as their kids grow.
It's all very well to say that parents should teach these things to their children. It's not fair to point fingers at those who fail (judging by the behaviour of their children) when those parents may not have been given the tools they need to be parents. The information they need may not be available in their communities.
Parenting, the most important responsibility that we have in life, is the only one where people are allowed to go into it knowing very little at the most important time (of their children's lives).
"Can't" and "won't" have been tossed around for years, for generations, for centuries. They are tired and lame excuses for the fact that we have not stood up and told our legislators to give their school boards the responsibility to teach parents what they need to know before they become parents.
There are no good excuses. Bad excuses abound.
Someone must stand up and be heard. Others will follow if they believe the first will not be killed in action.
Bill Allin
'Turning It Around: Causes and Cures for Today's Epidemic Social Problems,' striving to make our needs so obvious that someone will decide to meet them.
Learn more at http://billallin.com
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Comments: 21
Personally I've always said people should have to pass a test before being allowed to have children. It would be great if we could teach people life skills but it's easier to teach them to get a job. Even then we seem to be getting more stupid - in my country anyway. If we can't even teach our children the basics I don't know how we're going to teach them the more complex ideas of life skills.
Not all of them are like this but it seems every year the amount of kids who can't spell or use proper grammar grows every year. It's just sad. Until we can teach them the basics - and I mean the basics - I don't know how we can teach them life skills. I think life skills are a lot harder to learn than the ABCs and basic math.
Maybe the problems you see with their basic skills are a result of the fact that they want life skills, they need life skills, but they are getting curriculum that pays no attention to their great need. In other words, you may have cause and effect reversed. Just my opinion.
I don't agree that primary school should replace the role of parents. However, it is abundantly clear that parents are not fulfilling the role their kids need them to fill. Mostly because the parents don't know what they should do.
Either education systems need to teach as many new parents as possible what they need to know so that they are aware of their responsibilities and the needs of their kids, or they need to teach these things to the children directly. or both, but I don't come down in favour of that last option publicly--in my book, I do though.
Those social values films you remember were a grand attempt to get women out of the factories and offices after the Second World War and back into their homes, as mothers, so that the returning soldiers could have jobs when they got back. Were those films responsible for the Baby Boom? They may have been a factor.
Dr. Spock was not all wrong, though he repudiated his recommendations barely a decade after publishing his famous book. It was the way of his reasoning to children that was wrong. Kids don't respond to the kind of reas0oning he recommended.
You will notice, however, that society frowns on disciplining with corporal punishment today. That's an over-reaction to the beating by some parents of their kids, for offences that were often no worse than being around when the parent was drunk.
Laws can only control by deeming every action as white or black. If we want moderation, we must teach that. It can't be legislated.
"Public school" means a school that is funded by tax monies. If you mean elementary school as a place you don't want child rearing taught, even there I might disagree. That is the place where much of socialization takes place. One way or another.
I have no problem with parenting skills being taught in high schools, since lots of girls are pregnant or having sex--something like 28% by grade nine, then 57% by grade 11.
Teaching, of whatever information, must be done "before" the students need it. Otherwise the horse is already out of the barn. Any teaching that is done too late is nothing but damage control.
Thanks for you well considered thoughts, Debra.
I hope your hosue sale works out well for you. I used to have a cottage with that kind of log system.
TIA explains how there would be no conflict between parents and school. Mostly because it's the will of parents that would set the curriculum for what is taught. Again, it's explained fully in the book.
As for Suzy telling her mother she's got it all wrong, kids do that now. More significant than any other factor in the conversion of Canadian families to recycling was having kids go home and tell their paents that they should be recycling as much as possible. And the kids knew why, enough to be able to expalin it to the parents.
Kids teach parents all the time. More so today than every in history.
One thing you should understand about me is that "can't" is not part of my working vocabulary. If something seems to be impossible, I want to devise a way to accomplish it.
Be prepared to find consensus as the way to accomplish community support, according to the book.
I believe that all parents are interested in the welfare and the healthy growth of their kids. However, they get sidetracked into other things because they don't know what to do with their kids. They have been taught that wealth and ostentaciousness are more important than their children. Not as a conscious choice, but because they are not taught what they should be doing as parents. When there is only one thing you are taught--being a consumer and a producer for the purpose of funding your consumption--that's what you do.
You wrote: My mind is cranking now.
My response: My heart sings joyously.
Social teaching almost always happens incidentally, while other lessons are underway. It is done more directly in primary grades, but almost always incidentally after that. Except in the office of the vice principal, of course.
I would like to refer you to an article by Ernie Zarra, published today:
http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.jsp?articleId=281474976795201
It's worth your time.
By the way, anytime the two of you (Ernie/Bill) wish to collaborate....PLEASE count me in!!!
What's more, when you use the term "disciplinarian" I wonder if you understand that kids don't want to misbehave. They usually do so because they have needs that are not being fulfilled. These could have to do with social development, or an emotional problem, or often they just need a whole lot more touch than they are getting.
Whew! Still want to collaborate?
Believe me, Angie, these are lessons I learned personally, at great pain. I earned my wisdom stripes the hard way.
I will check out your Gather home page and decide about your network request.
As to collaborating, it sounds interesting. What do you bring to the table? Ernie has academic credits longer than my arm. Mine are much shorter. I was a feral child who only learned to read as an adult. I got my undergraduate degree without being able to read and could barely read enough to secure a master's in sociology of education.
In other words, I have a decent grasp of what kids need because I had to learn them all as an adult. My grief at "losing" my kids because I didn't know how to be a father caused me to research my heart out to learn how I could have done different. I learned, now I want to share. That's why I wrote a book about it.
Well, I actually wrote it because a teacher friend twisted my arm. How could a person who could hardly read or write compose a book? She told me to stop whining and et writing because I had lots to say.
As far as the analysis of my husband....the latter is true. He had an emotionally absent mother and a father who thought "old school" was the only way to go...you know..spare the rod...that whole deal. He feels as if he has to be the bearer of the discipline, he will go too far. So he opts out. I can understand that and we have actually been able to tweak our marriage/parenting so that works somewhat.
Still, I get weak and weary. I believe that the "touch" issue is right on point. However, I am still trying to figure out how to hug a child that at that moment thinks that you are the single cause for all the wrongs in the world. I do it though...every night...rub her hair and hug and kiss her as she is falling asleep. Because I love her and never want her to settle for less than she is worth. My reward is her positive outlook at the rest of the world and my son's love for human beings I suppose. Maybe I need to be analyzed :)
I recommend that you read my book. You can get it from any of the online book sellers or a bookstore. If it's not on a bookstore's shelves, they can order it. With Amazon, go to amazon.com then search for Bill Allin.
As to collaborating, maybe you can be a testor. I have prepared hundreds of quote-length words of wisdom. These are intended to be topics that both teens and parents will both enjoy discussing. The objective is to provide common ground for teens and parents who are out of touch with each other and wish it were different.
You may not fit this category, but you may be interested in the topics. You can edit, complain, insist I delete, praise, whatever you want.
In the back of my book are two appendices. One is for teachers and one for parents. They mostly apply to kids who are younger than yours, but they are things you want to make sure your kids didn't miss. The rest of the book will open your eyes to stuff you may have intuited but never had more evidence for than that.
Let's stay in touch.