A Blue Funk Leading to a Revelation

From time to time, I get these moods that drag me down to a level I do not find to be comforting. I had made plans to go with my HINO (Husband In Name Only) to a "soulmates" seminar, but it has all fallen through due to pretty much no one's fault. Things happen, such as a lack of childcare due to what could be considered as fate--which I have defined for years as the collective free will of every person on this planet. It's folly to blame God or the Devil when situations happen that are beyond our control.

Even so, I've felt sad due to this plan falling through. Which makes me wonder if an $80/per person seminar can force two people into becoming soulmates. I've pondered the truth behind this myth of soulmates, and have found so many conflicting theories that I've come to the conclusion that what I am calling a myth is the source of my personal folly.

I do have to say that I am rather fond of one definition of "soulmate" that states the concept in this way: soulmates come into our lives to help us grow and to learn to be better people. In fact, there is no such thing as a "one and only" soulmate. There can be for some a series of soulmates, each in succession, who can teach us many lessons that are neccessary to our personal evolution.

Part of the "soulmate myth" that I would like to challenge is the introduction of sex into that stew. Not all soulmates bring with them a sexual intimacy. Friends can also be soulmates who teach us more distinct lessons into becoming the best person we can be. They are our platonic teachers, stimulating our better selves into being. What could be better than having a series of platonic soulmates?

That's not to say that sex cannot be a major motivating factor for some of our soulmate connections. Sometimes, it's the best part of that sort of life-changing and -affirming connection. The point is that sexual soulmates are not casual lovers, but deeply committed lovers who challenge our self-perception. Sadly, the search for sexual soulmates have become a rabid cliché in love songs and romantic ballads. Anyone with an aversion to Michael Bolton (curses upon his fame!) can relate to the total manipulation behind the song, "How Am I Supposed To Live Without You?"

My answer is this: damned easy, thank you very much. Now get out of my head and my life, you emotional blackmailer! (There, it feels much better to get that out of my system.)

While I have been guilty-as-charged of writing romantic song lyrics, I try not to fall for stupid and manipulative clichés that pollute the airwaves of pop stations. I'll avoid the clichés of Gangsta Rap for now, since that is not my dominant millieu. I get so tired of the lazy and rather wealthy songwriters who milk the cheap thrills of one-night-stands and push us towards what is becoming an obsession with a lie.

When you look into the eyes of a prospective love and don't see reality looking right back at you, that's a sign to run in the opposite direction rather than stumble into a trap from which it is difficult to remove oneself. After all, it is more difficult to get a divorce than to prevent a bad marriage from happening in the first place. And there is where I am guilty as charged.

Despite my BA in English Literature, I fell in love with an idea rather than with a man. Now I feel rather stuck with him, despite the fact that for complex reasons we don't live together. It's like being a Football Widow on a daily basis. Sometimes he comes over and plops down in front of the TV. We don't exactly share the same tastes in shows (for some reason, the only shows we both like are My Name is Earl and Mythbusters). Every time he'd tune into America's Got [No] Talent or even (gas planet!) Who Wants to be a Superhero, I'm putting on my headphones at the computer and listening to my favorite songs on iTunes just to drown out Stan Lee's smarmyness. I'm also into baseball more than football, though I've developed a taste for actually watching my HINO's favorite games from time to time when he's around.

I will, however, make a prediciton. I don't see my marriage lasting very long, and if my next soulmate comes along, I could end up cutting my losses and moving on to something better. I know I sure could use a more positive person in my life. I've never been as critical of life as I am now in the dynamics of my current marriage. If I do find a positive person who wants me for who I am, how could I possibly refuse his affections? As long as he's not going to toss me on my kiester once he's had his fun, that is. I won't just drop my panties for the next man who comes along if he's not authentic and thoughtful of someone other than himself.

Truth is, I have no idea what the future will hold. Life is too complex for solid predictions, and it's too full of unknown possibiliteis. What I do know is this fact: getting these thoughts out have given me a relief from my blue funk. I think that now I can go on regardless of what life throws at me. I want to be my authentic self, and that obviously means that changes are there for me not just in the future, but now in the present tense. Whatever soulmate connection I do make in that future, I can only hope it yields a positive future for both of us.

©2006 Cynth Bage