It Will All Work Out In The End

written February 2005

My heart is telling me it will all work out in the end. Yesterday I wrote about transcending my demon insecurities and to trust in the process; to trust in me. I want to elaborate on that point today. One of the biggest battles for me to overcome is negative thinking culminating in worry.

As a child I grew up with a grandmother who worried constantly. Oh, she had justification, living in abject poverty. But what happened is that I learned vicariously to worry over every issue in life. I learned to think negative about everything and most of the time I did not even know I was doing it.

Later in life after taken several Human Relations courses I went back to the source to find out where this negative thinking originated from. I discovered negative thinking was a coping mechanism, strange though it may seem. When I was a child, my mother promised many things she never delivered. I learned rather than be disappointed each and every time, it was better to decide it was not going to happen and then I wouldn't be unhappy when it didn't. I learned to anticipate a negative outcome each time.

It was much easier to think negatively and not be disappointed, than to think positively and move forward. With the negative thinking came the worry. For example, if I failed one test in school, it was an indication I was not good enough. I would continue to fail and of course I would fail the grade. I was caught up in this negative thinking. Even when I did not fail the next examine or I did not fail the course, I could not see my conceptualizations did not stand the test and that my logic was actually faulty.

People who know me know I have not had an easy life. Money has always been an issue. Yes, I worried about money constantly. I have always lived where I had to rob Peter to pay Paul. But since January 2005, I have been going through a transformation and I can say I am not the person I was even last year at this time.

Maria Keller and the 42daysofwriting course were instrumental in facilitating this change. Though I do not buy Maria's principal of the law of attraction completely, I do follow it to a certain extent. Similarly the 42daysofwriting called upon universal principals that required us to believe in ourselves. I read the writing exercises ferociously and I absorbed. I started to feel a change in me. I was becoming more confident and less worried about anything and everything happening in life.

My money issues have not disappeared. I made the decision of quitting my job in February knowing money would be very tight. However, I left that job with a new found confidence within me knowing it would all work out in the end. I decided the experience need not be a negative one and I need not worry. I just needed to trust in me and trust in the process. My heart was telling me it was the right thing to do.

Well this is the aftermath of that decision to quit my job. My bills are behind and it is very difficult to catch them up. Just yesterday, I got one of those letters most of us have received once or twice in our life. It was the letter from a creditor saying pay up your outstanding bill or we cut your service off.

This bill was not just any bill it was my internet service. Can you imagine me, running my newsletter, working on my writing, connecting to the world through the internet and going without service? Prior to February of this year, I would have been a basket case. I would have been so worried I would literally make myself ill. I would through up, have nightmares, migraine headaches and worry to no end.

Yesterday, I looked at the bill and put it aside. My heart told me it would be okay - not to worry. Trust in the process, trust in myself, and trust in the Lord.

I did not worry at all. I started looking at the situation from a positive framework. I looked at possible strategies in order to pay the bill and I believed it would all work out in the end.

Today I received my mail, here was some unexpected money, enough to cover the outstanding debt and some left over to boot. God is good, the universe is good, and my new attitude on life is good!