Mail-Order Romance & Marriage 101
Today there is a social phenomenon that has swept through the western nations like a gale. When the "Iron Curtain" came crashing down, normal relations with those nations that had been hidden behind it for 70+ years were suddenly opened up to westerners to visit, tour & become acquainted with the citizens of those places. One of the immediate consequences was the onslaught of absolutely gorgeous & lovely, educated women that suddenly became available to western men.
There are a zillion horror stories about these women. The number that are true are miniscule compared to the number of stories about them that are false. In the late 1980's I was allowed to go to Kazakhstan to visit some distant relatives. I met & saw many beautiful ladies on that trip & began to realize that the stereotype that Americans had of Russian women as all looking like weight lifters or grizzly bears with a shave was so false & so far from the truth that it a crime. That was the result of our propaganda spin-doctors at work, courtesy of the FBI & the CIA.
In reality these ladies are sweet, lovely, educated & much less materialistic than most American women of today. Do not get me wrong there many fine, non-materialistic American women out there but there are more over there.
The "mail-order-bride" is an old American institution coming from the frontier days of the 19th. Century. There are a huge number of companies that operate such services both in the USA & abroad. One of the oldest & most reliable is Cherry Blossoms based in Hawaii. Others of the same ilk include Scanna, A Foreign Affair & White Nights. I have acted as a consultant on more than few occasions for these companies & some others dealing with trans-cultural issues. Many of these companies suddenly vanished this year as the new IMBRA went into play. Prior to this act no one had to come up with any sort of background info. There were a lot of scams & a lot of women being brought to the west that wound up as virtual slaves or worse. That si now changed. Tom protect guys from the scams there is an organization that is on the web, [Russianscamcheck.org] that does the work to find out if a woman is legit or not.
There are the odd scams that surface, a few slavers & some truly sickos that emerge from the slimy holes but on the whole this is a legitimate service of a social nature. Many men & women have found their true soul-mate, their love-of-their-life this way. The vast majority of the marriages that fail from these unions do so because of the inability of the western spouse to adapt to the needs of a foreign spouse. These needs include learning about their country of origin, the culture, the language ( at least some of it), sources for food products, regular tele-communication with family & friends in the old country, etc. I am always appalled at the ignorance, selfishness & downright disrespect that American men show to their Rus-wives. Comments such as, "I ain't learning no damned Russian!" "She better be glad I got her out of there!" "I ain't eating of that foreign food crap!" and many more. I conduct classes for the local Russian-American Association & for the local Russian-America organization where a course that runs for 10 hours (2 five hour sessions or 5 two hour sessions) to help these unions over the humps. I have also taught several classes for men that are going to go to the former Soviet Union to look for love.
I have worked with several organizations in Ukraine, Kazakhstan, Armenia, & Belorus as well as Hungary, Romania, Poland & Estonia for the ladies who want to find western men.
My late wife was form Ukraine but she was not a mail-order-bride. I met her while working in Ukraine. I have 2 Russian cousins who married American men & came here to live. Both of them have been here more than 10 years, are happily married & doing well. My sister-in-law was a mail-order bride. She in now back in Ukraine due to the collapse of her marriage. Her husband brought her, a big city girl from a city of 2.8 million people to a town in the rural South of 800+ people, where everyone made fun of her accent,. She was highly trained engineer but could not get a job here. Her husband refused to teach her to drive or allow her to take lessons yet he complained that she was not working.
Another lady came here after she met a guy who went to Ukraine specifically to meet women. He brought her to the USA. She married him. After they were married he forced her to turn over all of her money to him. She had sold her flat in Kyiv, her late mom's flat in Kyiv & had some $45,000.00 dollars. He took it all. Made her stay in a locked house all day while he worked. She contacted another lady who was from Ukraine & was her friend. That lady & her American husband went to the home and took her away. They sent her to my wife & I for a few weeks until we could get an attorney on the case. The case went to trial, the slaver was prosecuted & she got her money back, damages for the treatment & was allowed to stay in the USA where she now teaches classical & modern music at a community college. She has since re-married to another American & they are doing well.
Basically what it boils down to is this, respect for the other person not only as a human being but also for their culture, their, family & their nation. As Americans we were taught to hate all things Russian, to be suspicious of them & to look down on them. Because I had Russian grandfather I did not accept the lies that were promulgated & spewed forth. I knew the truth, about Josef Stalin's insane genocide of Ukrainians, etc. I knew about the killing of relatives because they were from an aristocratic Imperial Russian family. I also knew the language, the folk stories, the mythology, the cuisine & the psycho-social customs of the people. I did not hate nor fear Russians. Right after I met my wife I was with her on the street in Kyiv. There was gate with the old Soviet Union's symbol of the "Hammer & Sickle" on it. I had her shoot a photo of me next to it giving the symbol a middle-digit salute. She later asked me what that meant. I told her & she became very angry with me. She told me that she would never ever be so disrespectful tp another nation's history. She was right. I explained to her that the symbol was significant to me because of the weaponry in Viet Nam used against us, because of the relatives that had been killed by Stalinists & because of the propaganda machinery that was a part of the 1950's of American life.
I have never been disrespected in the Rus ever. Yes, there are some old hardliners that do not like Americans but they do not go out of their way to display that sentiment. The people there are hospitable, most are friendly & all are polite. Never ask any of these folks if you meet any "How do you like America? Isn't it so much better than where you came from?" That is rude, ignorant & a surefire way to have them think of you as a purebred jackass! Even now I still get asked, "Aren't you afraid over there with those Communists?" "Is it safe to eat over there?" "Does anyone there speak any English?" The answer are; "No! I have never been afraid anywhere in the former Soviet Union!" "The food is great & just like anywhere you need to be careful about where & what you eat." "Almost anyone under the age of 55 reads English well & about 20% of the populations speaks it to some degree which is more than I can about Americans having Russian language skills." Bottom line here is that, these ladies come, other Rus people immigrate & some come here as tourists or guest-workers and all of them need to be respected.
ADDENDUM:
Since so many of the commenter's have exhibited the fact that they have no idea of how the mail-order marriages work, I am going to explain the process for you. It is process mandated by U.S. Immigration Regulations/Law. It is not what you think or perceive it to be. Now there is an actual set of rules formulated bewteen the former Soviet nations & western nations. iT IOS WORKING WELL.
A man sees an ad for a woman. He follows the established procedure of the company/web site/magazine that has published the ad for contacting the woman. Once they have established a relationship of e-mails, postal letters, cards, phone calls, online chats, etc. He MUST, no option to not do so, go to her country to meet her. This must be documented by his passport, photos of them together at recognizable locations in her country & other evidence such a hotel receipts, airfare tickets, etc. At this point if he is serious & she is as well, he must initiate the "K-1 Fiancé Visa " application. Once his portion is completed & he has presented the INS with his proof of citizenship, passed a criminal background check, proof of no communicable diseases, etc. then he sends it to her. She will in turn follow the instructions for her to apply for the visa at the US consulate in her country. Once she has applied, the consular people will perform their due diligence to ascertain if the evidence is legitimate. If so she will be called back to the consular office for an interview. At that interview or with 3 days after it she will be told if she will be awarded a visa. Once she has the visa in hand she will then contact the man so that they can make their plans to meet. Many men go to their woman's country to connect with her & to escort her to the USA. Once she enters the USA she & he have a 90 day period to either get married or not. If they decide not to mmarry then she must leave on the 91st. day. They can also option for her to leave & return to her country where he will go as well to marry her there. In order to get the visa the woman must establish a viable employment, financial background, criminal background check, proof of not being married at the current time, proof of health insurance & sign an affidavit of financial responsibility for her while she is here in this country. If by chance she has children & they must also come to this country with mama then he must do the same for each child. She must provide proof of having the ability to return to her country, have a valid passport, have no communicable diseases (TB, Hep-c, HIV, etc.), provide proof of employment in her country, provide proof of being marriageable (divorce decree, etc.), birth certificate, same for children if she has them. It is a long drawn out process that requires due diligence on the part of all concerned. If he marries her in her country he must do it all over again but for a "K-3 Spousal Visa."
Sources:
http://www.business.com/directory/government_and_trade/by_country/united_states/embassies_and_consulates/us_embassies_and_consulates/europe/index.asp?partner=2662601
http://www.anastasia-international.com/
http://www.russian-women-1000.net
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Comments: 57
Actually, the reason a lot of men seem to go for mail-order brides is that they are extremely resentful of what they think of as "independent" American women. They somehow think if they go buy a woman from an old world country that the woman will be more pliable than an American.
That's the *real* bias going on here.
Truth is, Russian women are very strong-willed and they won't put up with your crap over time even if they initially appear to be sweet and "non-materialistic."
My former boss was married to a Russian woman (not mail-order), who I think has since divorced him. She was no pushover.
Who I am? I am a strong advocate against human trafficking and against mail order brides! Women are not objects you should be able to order through a catalog! I am not just two breasts and a vagina for you to order and nor should any other woman be!
As for the women out numbering the men in Russia ....In fact in the World population, Women DO out number men! That's just how it is! Doesn't mean if I couldn't find me a husband here in my home country, I would put myself up for sale elsewhere!
Thanks for a really informative article, it was quite intriguing! I have always been curious about these ladies from abroad, and they pop up from time to time on various dating internet sites. Some of them are quite lovely as you have indicated, but I do not think I could ever take that step. As for the whole concept of mail order brides, I see no problem with it in general. If it brings two serious people together and makes them happy, then so be it. The challenge I suspect would be that you may be somewhat in the dark concerning their backgrounds. Sadly, in this day and age, I would never enter into a serious relationship with someone until after gaining as much of an understanding of their background as possible, even if it means doing it through a professional. Frankly, with a 50% and greater divorce rate, a person is crazy not to do so, it's just the way it is. And as for me, well if a woman dating me wants to do the same, she can knock herself out and go right ahead.
they are happy in there marriage and they said they wouldnt have done it any other way
"Whatever gets you through the night 'salright, 'salright."
However people choose to arrive at love and companionship is no business of mine...don't care the why or the wherefore...just as long as they get there...more power to them. So be my guest...whatever gets you through the night...is alright, as far as I'm concerned.
I'm with KITTY 100 % on this and it makes me sick to think about the human trafficking that's actually LEGAL!!
Let's see, we are trying to stop "other" people from living here "illegally" and making a big fuss over some who have been here for YEARS and yet you are personally bringing women here and marrying them up to American men and there are NO questions asked?
Yeah, somehow that doesn't seem "salright" with me!!!
Make it through the night...there's a lot of lonely people in the world just looking for a companion...someone to hold...if only for while. I'll not pass judgement on how or with whom or under what circumstances people fill this void of loneliness...a little emotional connectiveness which may or may not reach the level of true happiness. Nothing is fixed...there are no formulas...no right or perfect way to arrive at a desired destination or result. You work with what you can work with and with the means available to you at the time.
If a guy wants to marry a foreign woman for whatever reason, that's fine and it's none of my business. However, whining about how foreign women are so much more "wife-like" and "loving" than American women is crap. American women were born in a country where it's okay for them to be more outspoken and independent, and it sounds you're drawn to cultures where women are more dependent, and doesn't seem to realize the reason they're that way is because they weren't born into the wealth of opportunity and options many American women are. I have the luxury of being choosy about who I marry; mail-order brides don't.
Why won't you admit that this isn't always as "dreamy" as you make it out to be? Especially for the women?
um, are all your clients hicks?
Donald..you are in FL....contemplating the futures of women that you don't even know, better yet, you're discussing them and flaunting their pictures on a discussion board for..... for, I suppose, AMERICAN EDUCATIONAL purposes????
As can be seen, a great article that spurred a lot of comment! One thing that has always been of interest to me, is the number of women on dating sites who will tell you that they are "independent" and wear it as a badge of honor. Call me old fashioned (mea culpa!), but I find this interesting. This is a quality one wants in a mate? I thought it was a two way street? If I wanted an independent mate, I would get another cat. And before the ladies get mad, let's turn the table...as a man if I tell you I am independent, that means I can take care of myself and do not need anybody. Well, if that is the case, why would I be looking for a mate then?
Perhaps I will become an e-mail order bride. ROFLMAO
What I am saying is that LOVE HAPPENS in interesting ways.
I could have put a personal ad in the paper and snagged a local who would screw me over in the same way that the "hick" examples in Donald's article screwed a few Russian woman.
What I am saying is that "mail order" has made the world smaller.
I decided a long time ago that ust because I might not necessarily AGREE with something, does not mean I won't try to UNDERSTAND it.
Like everything else in life, this has it's advantages and it's disadvantages.
I like Felix's live and let live philosophy.
Doc brought up some good points, and Kitty brought up some good points. Others who agreed with Doc brought up good points, and others who disagreed with Doc brought up some good points.
This is a sensitive issue to be consdiers individually, not necessarily collectively.
I did not meet my Sweetheart out of desparation, and when I found him I was not even LOOKING for a man.
Perhaps these foreign women join these sights for "something different" to make this big world smaller. Those women and men with the best of intentions will have the type of loving relationships Doc described. Of course not all foreign brides are mail-order. I don't believe that was Doc's point. I believe he was simply trying to bring to light one branch on the tree that is opportunity in this world.
None of us can be 100% right or wrong on this sensitive issue, because we all see it differently. It will work for some, it will not work for others, and there will be another group who will shy away from it all together.
Good question Faith. Where ARE all the mail-order Russian GUYS? Trust me, I looked! haha
Why would I look? (before my Sweetheart, that is)
Simple! To experience a different culture!!! I already AM Canadian. I have all that, what I seek is something new and interesting, something to broaden my horizons.
Ironically I've fallen in love with an AMERICAN. It is just as ironic to him that he fell in love with a CANADIAN because both of us were interested in possibly finding someone from the other side of the world, so that we might exchange ideas and traditions.
As for my Sweetheart and I, both share an openness and interest about the world around us that neither one of us really notices the fact that we may actually "marry our own kind." LOL
If there is to be a wedding in our future, I have shared my with that our wedding cake be decorated with all four flags, all around the cake. American, Russian, Canadian, Danish, in a pattern around each tier of a home-made Danish layer cake or Black Forest cake that I hope we will bake and decorate together.
I do know & have worked with a great number of women in the former Sovie many of whom have listed themselves with agencies so that they can find husbands abroad for whatever reason. I know several here on Gather who were "mail-order" brides & who have read this article. Perhaps if we are lucky one or more of them will decide to make a comment about it. They have commented to me in e-mail about it but are very reluctant to have it known by the majority of you here on Gather becasuse they see the controversy that the article has stirred up.
Boy, was I ever embarrassed.
Also, as you describe in the addendum, obtaining a visa is not a simple matter.
Sveta also brings up a very good point. Most women I know from the FSU are very sensitive about alcohol. From what I have been told, alcoholism is rampant among men there and wouldn't be tolerated in a Westerner.
Steph is incorrect that women in the FSU aren't strongly independent. I would say that all of my friends there are fiercely independent and self-sustaining. Many have their doctorates. I have a friend in Kazan who is headmistress at a secondary school. Her salary is 150R/month from the State. Anybody who can live well on the equivalent of $5 is an amazingly strong person.
By the way, the photo of Надежда (Hope) that accompanies this article is amazing.
Thank you for speaking up!! You made yourself understood.
I agree with you that on an issue such as this, we need to stop thinking about OURSELVES if we have not been there, and think of the others who ARE there now!! Thank you for your viewpoint.
You made a great point about introductions. These women are simply letting the world know they are looking. I hesitate to use the word "available" because that can be insinterpreted.
Regarding the lack of "materialism" in mail order brides, I don't buy it for a minute. These women are looking to improve their material lives, they have made themselves available to American men for strictly economic reasons: They want to live in America. Heck, it's just as easy to fall in love with an American man as a Russian, nyet?
It's the psychological makeup of the men who invest in these relationships that I am truly interested in. I've known a few men (including my uncle, who married a very sweet phillipino gal some 20 years younger than him) who have made this kind of marriage. In my experience they tend to be somewhat insecure, often socially inhibited or "backwards", often quite eccentric, and in search of a woman who will be much more pliant and subserviant than are most American women. Most have good intentions at the outset, but things have a tendancy to fall apart once the woman learns the language well enough to be easily distinguishable from a pet or a doormat. Once she begins to make demands of her own and the husband can no longer project her fantasies on her, the relationship is challenged and the couple either manages to get past the differing expectations or it falls completely apart. The frequently large age difference alone can be enough to send these relationships into the dustbin, usually right around the time that the woman has been in the US long enough to be able to legally remain.
P.S. My great grandmother was a Swedish teenage mail order bride who came to America to marry a man 15 years her senior in about 1880.
She didn't really spell it out, only that she wanted to go back. Good for her, but I bet she's back on the market again.