The Outsider

Max, how beautiful, haunting. The "dome of my heart" touches as a special image of holding, protecting, and allowing. May the dome of your heart hold you with great patience, waiting with love to join the celebration of life.

Your poety is the fine wine of my day. With gratitude! K

Cool to hear you Mary.
Karuna, much obliged, if you knew Urdu, perhaps a new set of resonances might come into play...
Cheerz!

Max, I enjoy the image of the ocean inhaling and exhaling, as business. How interesting!

Juniper dear -you have a hand in this!
Your note to me speeded me up today, and here is my 'almost daily' poem, transcreated for you.

In a way, all this is 'memories' for me from today, I have decided to leave Chennai and head back home to Pune.

Thank you for being so supportive, I appreciate that.
Cheerz!

Very interesting Max. maybe you should have put a picture ther for this one too, if you had one to go with such a beautiluf saying. It has lots of pazaz

very nice

This is beautifully written, Max. Not a word too many, just perfect. And, oh, that sense of appearing in the dissapearing is extraordinarily well-done. You write this moment of loneliness, of the haunting of memory, in the midst of the busy place once visited together... that one almost doesn't want to disturb with a comment.

Your prognosis is perfect Brenda.
But it appears shorter in Urdu, if you count the words.

Thanks and cheerz!

Max, I've said it before but it can't be said often enough. You do us all a great service

a man in love

Hi Carol and John,
Thank you so much !

Cheerz!

Beautiful, haunting images, Max, and romance that lingers on in your mind for a long time. There is much more magic in the Urdu version though. Last two lines of the English version,in particular, are much less beautiful than the urdu expression.

Sapna, I am just highlighting the inherent limitations of English language and phrase-usage. Suggest something better if you can since you know both the languages... I am open to suggestions.
Glad you enjoyed the thought process at least.

Cheerz!

You are right, it is primarily a limitation of '...phrase usage', which again,is the eternal problem with all translations. But, let's rather have 'not that good' versions of the original creations than no translations at all. Your effort is really commendable and being a translator myself, I know how complicated it can be. I would have loved to offer some suggestions if I could.In fact, I have been trying unconsciously. But translating verse, and that too into a language which is not natural to me, is simply not my forte and I can not say how far I'll be able to help. Still if I can think of something better I'd definitely send it to you. Thank you very much for the offer. I'm honured.

Hey Sapna, even I am regurgitating those lines in my mind, whether walking down a boulevard or getting my ears shattered by auto-horns when stuck in traffic... usually I twist my way around and go for a different phrase. The great facility at gather.com is that one can keep tinkering with the version forever... so please feel free to tell me if you have a 'eureka' moment. One never knows! You are now together with me in this search for a better phrase -no need for thanks, I trust you. Keep ruminating...
cheerz!

Beautiful. Your description of the ocean is beyond vocabulary in either language. I picture the word awaiting to fit in the last line ...

Beyond words!

Love this.... "the tongueless lazing around by sand" very cool metaphor!

What is missing is your trilling laughter,
the resounding absence
of your light footsteps

so true

Thanks Carol, Gautami, Angela and Alana.
I wonder if I should use "your light footfalls" in place of the line above?
Just an idle thought that struck me as I walked the streets here in a boiling hot afternoon that gets Chennai all steamed up.
Cheerz!

"light footfalls" would certainly make it better

I like it. and plus I am learning about something new Urdu and transcreation

Read a thoughtful conversation between you and Sapna, Max! It is ok that you are trying your best to convert the Urdu Mijaz in English, But reality tells us something diferent that the two langueges have different structure as well as capacity to evolve the poetic phrase.....
At the same time each languege has its own flow when a creative writer use the languege or say when creative writing comes up in that perticular languege. I know that when i write a poem in my Gujarati Languege, i feel through the creative process that an ongoing stream of creative conciousness flows continuously, same kind of feeling i have when write in Hindi. But when i try to develop the transscript of such a poem in to English; I hardly make " the real feel" of the original poem. Well some time few beautyful moments have gracefully come to me when i was under such process and helped me to carried out the original flame in to English ..... but then also something lacks that i felt after getting fulfillment of converting!!

The poem has really a rythmetic and balanced flow of sensitivity, self identity and creativity. The flare of Urdu words and languege has made these few words an expression of emptyness of lackings but still felt the memory of the swinging love inside ....

Hey Barin, thanks for both the comments above. I think I can follow your line of reasoning, however, I have myself done some transcreations of Gujarati ghazals, and have sent you a message. Kindly reply to me, before we evaluate these issues you have so efficiently raised here. I hope you understand, it would be my pleasure to discuss this further but lets see your reaction to my transcreation of Gujarati ghazals [shortly I am doing that to poems, by Suresh Dalal for instance].
Cheerz!

Max, this reminds me of the first time I heard a recording of TS Eliot reading one of his poems, complete with the Hindi line (but alas, no translation!)--just blissful, a knowing on a whole different level beyond translation. Great stuff!

Thanks Lydia.
The concept of transcreation is a bit twisted for the average reader who can't see beyond the stiff and shaven literal translation. Glad you enjoyed this.
BTW what happened to your group you invited me to? Gather says it is not available or deleted. How do I join?
Cheerz!

I appreciate being exposed to both and both hold a separate poetic identity although sourced the same. The first I could only listen to as I imagined it and the second I
enjoyed the translation that allowed me to witness your talent and deep understanding of "aloneness" versus loneliness. I still feel vigor within that seeks the enhancement of his love but is not dependent, only suffering for the intimate exchanges that enhanced every moment for him. The keen eye of the poet who remembers and still thrills at the sensual details, I think knows that this pleasure came from within him.

Wow, Laura -there's a Persian saying which is modified in Urdu as 'der aaye duroost aaye' meaning you came late to the assembly but you came right...' Well, I thought you joined this discussion late but you did right.
Aloneness versus loneliness is a mighty potent topic.
You gave me new food for thought.
Great insight.
Cheerz!

very nice, Max

Beautiful shayari!!

Wonderful............

Thanks Lavanya and Glenda.
Some more on the way pretty soon...
cheerz!

now whose laughter is that which the waves at thiruvanmiyur are missing:)
the transaltion is excellent but i like the orginal very much

The wide scope of the first stanza sets up a delicious contrast with the second!