I often find myself wondering if my relationships are doomed to fail. With issues from childhood, as well as two failed marriages, I obviously have some trust issues...
My husband and I have been apart for almost a year. I have had no interest in dating. When someone asks, I politely decline... or if they pursue relentlessly, as some of them do, I turn my phone off and go into hiding for a bit! Scared? Yes, I guess you could say that! Honestly, I haven't found anyone that caught my interest, even remotely.
My husband was sleeping with someone a few short weeks after our split. I sit and wonder if there something wrong with me, something "not normal", as I just don't even want to deal with another relationship.
I have done a lot of growing throughout this last year. I have finally reached a point where I am comfortable with myself. I no longer feel that "need" to have someone around to make me feel whole. I really haven't missed being in a relationship.
The problem is, now I have met someone... someone that I enjoy spending time with. He is very sweet and soooo polite... and, I must admit, I enjoyed watching him cook dinner for me ... he's a very attractive man, in addition to his other wonderful traits. He has made me feel that I am attractive, when I have felt so often that I have just lost it all with my depression, back problems and other illnesses. He was here when I was panicking , not hearing anything about my father's surgery, and gave me a much needed hug. I found myself lying in bed a couple nights ago thinking this is someone who could really sweep me off my feet... SCREECH! Slamming on the brakes!
I am , honestly, so confused at this point. Am I doing the right thing by not letting myself get involved? I'm protecting myself and my kids, right??? That is what I keep trying to tell myself anyway. My sister says this is unfair. If I enjoy being around him, then I should allow myself that pleasure...
I don't know that I will ever be able to allow myself that comfort and pleasure. I don't know that I could ever thoroughly enjoy it, as I would always have those nagging thoughts in the back of my mind, telling myself that it can't work. I have, afterall, been married twice... two men who were supposed to love me forever and who promised to never hurt me... how could this man be any different?
He is supposed to come over today... I don't know yet what I will do. I am afraid that all of my negative feelings will just melt away as soon as he hugs me. Maybe that is a good thing... maybe it's not. I guess I'll just have to go with the flow.
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Comments: 9
As far as this man is concerned, why can't you just take it easy and see where it leads, you just met him why are you thinking already about a full committment?
dating is nice,
if and when the time is right it has to be right for both of you.
Anyway, I am released and sprouting scores of story-points with the book faeries and here is one i thought in my desperate need to heal, did, and will to others . . .
the Muse I listen too gives you this