Boo Hoo, or Yahooooo? When the fledglings leave the nest…..

For Better or For Worse Store

It is nearing fall, and hoards of young men and women are leaving home for college, the military, or to strike out on their own. How does that make Mom and Dad feel? Pretty darn sad? Or happy as heck that you have the house to yourselves?

It is a double-edged sword to deal with your kids leaving home. If they are going off to college, that is fairly benign compared to them going off to the military, or even tramping around Europe for a year. No matter where they are going though, it can be a turning point in your life.

Just this week, I saw for myself what a 'child' leaving home can do to a mother. My neighbor's son has completed two years of community college and now he has left home to continue his education in Louisiana. I never thought I would be the one to console anyone about this topic, but I was. My gems of wisdom only come from one experience, so no one would say I am an authority for sure. Still, I did have to work it out for myself when it happened to me, and here is what I learned:

«     If you have spent the last 18-20 years with this child in your care and they leave home, you need to deal with the fact ahead of time (like when you read this) that it is a crossroad in your life. Your job is done, and for better or for worse, this is a parting of the ways with your child. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, be happy that the kid has the courage and determination to strike out on their own.

«     Give yourself permission to "mourn". Even if you are working full time, going home to a house with no kids to herd takes some getting used to. It is a weird feeling to not have them there. You want to call them every day, but you can't do that. They probably don't want you to, and they are busy with whatever new is happening in their own life. You are going to shed some tears, but when you are doing so, remember that this is a good thing happening in your family.

«     If you feel like you are being shunned when you talk on the phone it doesn't mean they don't love you anymore. If it is a son talking to his mother, and he is light-hearted and animated with your husband and/or his sibling, but cold and distant with you, it means you are a very important part of his life, but he is "busy" now and he is trying not to need you. I can't address how it is for girls since I have never had a daughter, but the same advice might apply.

In my own experience, before our son left home, he and I were constantly bickering and fuming at each other, and then we would hug and dry our tears. At one point I found myself saying to him, "I wish you would just go in the military!". Soon after that his demeanor changed and I think it was that one statement that finally tipped the balance and gave him permission to 'go'.

This was in 1991, and the first Gulf War was in full swing. And our son had decided that his military branch of choice was the Marines. Oh Lordy! Not only was I "losing" my son, I knew that he was going into one of the most dangerous branches of the military, and that I truly could lose him permanently.

The day that the Marine Sgt. came to pick him up was almost surreal, and not at all how I had imagined it.  Our son had a girlfriend at the time, and she and her mother showed up at our house to wish him farewell. I was mad then, but I am just chagrined now, that these interlopers were insinuating themselves into an important day for my husband and I and our son. Oh sure, we were gracious and welcoming, but inside I was dying. I had already steeled myself not to cry as he was saying goodbye, but there was a huge lump in my throat. And here was this other mother and this girl, both of whom we hardly knew, wailing and weeping and acting like he was their son. I wanted to strangle them!

I confess, after he left, and mama and the girlfriend left, I did cry. I knew it was the beginning of the end. He would never be my little boy again. I knew for years it was coming. In my heart I hoped I had done well with his upbringing, but I also knew that he had so much to learn that his dad and I couldn't teach him.

He did go on to Parris Island, AIT in North Carolina, Twenty-nine Palms, Okinawa and unbeknownst to us until a year later….to South Korea for war games and then eventually to Somalia. (That's a whole other story!) He rappelled out of helicopters in Korea, got himself into debt in Okinawa, and got himself out of debt when he came back to Pendleton. He found a nice girl to marry and our familial ties were severed for good.

While he will always be in my heart, I am so glad that I was able to let him go. It didn't come easy, and his wife could probably have killed me many times for calling when I shouldn't have. It is very hard to take someone from birth through the toddler years, grade school, junior high, and on to high school and the military and then in just one moment in one day it is all over and you know that the ties that bind are just about all let out. You did your best. Let them go. It is normal, and oh so necessary.

I still miss the hugs and kissing him goodnight, but I know he is in loving hands, and that he is being a good husband and father. I love you son!

(c) Carol W.