We all know how common "broken homes" are in this day and age, which brings me to a question... how do you raise your children together, yet apart, when views are completely different on some important issues?
Ours is an unusual situation, in a way. My ex-husband's wife and I have become friends... we both have the same interests at heart, and those involve raising our children with love, and doing everything we can to raise them in the "right" ways. We are very fortunate to have each other to turn to when there is a problem with one of the kids, or we are trying to decide what is best for them in a situation.
The problem is... we do have very differing views on many things. For example, just some of the smaller things... they dyed the kids' hair funky colors in elementary school. They the ex and his wife) are very big into being "different", with tons of piercings, etc. I choose to raise them in a more traditional way.
Where the questions come in... we have a fourteen year old son. He is a wonderful child, does great in school, never gets in trouble, besides the arguments at home that any parent and child would have. In the other home, he can stay out late with friends, run around in the middle of the night, etc. But... he is not allowed to go to the movies with a girl... things like that. We have agreed, as parents, to work together on the rules, to set a standard where the kids won't "play us against each other"... this is very difficult when our views are so different. I have let my son go to the movies with a girl. I dropped them off, and I picked them up. I feel that it is better for him to be able to be honest about such things than to feel like he would need to sneak behind our backs.
Another thing is that their Dad still holds a lot of resentment over our divorce, which was close to ten years ago. He will make negative comments about me to the kids. I don't think his wife is aware of it, but I'm afraid to bring it up, because we do have a pretty good situation right now. But it really infuriates me... I will NOT talk negatively about him, regardless of my feelings, in front of the children. Should I do anything? Is there really even anything I can do??? I know that with us all "getting along", it has made things easier on the kids, and it helps them to feel secure that they don't have to "choose" one parent over the other... you know, all those things that typically go on. This is why I am afraid to rock the boat.
Any input on this would be appreciated!
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Comments: 3
this is a great article!
i think it is natural to feel resentment though i applaud your ability not to say negative comments as these will hurt the children more than the partner..
i have made mistakes myself, many..hoping to repair though..
it is not easy..
i would think the solution would be to sit together the 3 of you, you , your ex. and his wife and discuss this over a nice cup of tea or coffee on neutral grounds..if not possible the more expensive solution would be a therapist that does family therapy..
i have a group parenting pains and joys, you may post there and see what people write!
Your honesty is well appreciated..i guess there is no right way to raise children though you seem to be the more stable one..it is good not to make war and accept differences..how wonderful you have a good ally in the wife though..i am still starting out on this but have decided not to fight but rather try to show understanding and find a time to talk..it is a struggle but i am sure as long as you are a consistant, patient parent your child will learn to understand that you two have different styles and will only play with you if you do not somehow work together..it is a tough job but do nnot forget married couples also have different styles, i know we did and arguing in front of children is the worst! so i wish you much strength and thanks for sharing, i am still starting out on this..you seem to know what you are doing