If you've been a musician for a long time, you've heard these. In the music world it is a little strange how the people often really do seem to have those same personalities. That being said, what does that say about me? I've been a French horn player, an soprano, alto, tenor, guitarist, accordionist, banjo player, pianist, and conductor! Jeez.
Enjoy!
*What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out both sides of his mouth?
The stage is level.
*What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common.
Both suck when you plug them in.
*What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.
*What's a accordion good for?
Learning how to fold a map.
*Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public:
Violinist: 25 feet
Bad Violinist: 50 feet
Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet
15 year-old Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet
Accordionist: 60 miles
*Son: Mother, I want to grow up and be a rock-n-roll musician.
Mother: Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can't do both.
*What is the difference between a violin and a viola?
There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so much bigger.
*Why was the piano invented?
So the musician would have a place to put his beer.
*What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?
Lawn mowers sound better in small ensembles.
The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.
The grip.
*What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
*How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist?
He doesn't know how to use the slide, and he can't swing.
*These two tuba players walk past a bar...
Well, it could happen
*Heard backstage: "Will the musicians and the drummer please come to the stage!"
*What's the least-used sentence in the English language?
"Isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?"
*What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.
*There were two people walking down the street. One was a musician. The other didn't have any money either.
And now for a little math
*Rosemary is unable to play in keys with more than three sharps or flats without making an inordinate number of mistakes. Because her colleagues in the cello section are also struggling in these passages she has so far been able to escape detection. What is the total number of hours they would all have to practice to play the complete works of Richard Strauss?
And finally Mark Twain said
"Richard Wagner's music is better than it sounds."
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Comments: 13
Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?" The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."
How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune? The bow is moving.
four hours later he returns to his car to find a note under the windshield, all the windows up, the doors locked and a big blanket across the back seat.. he grabs the note, quickly unlocks the door and jumping across the front seat snatches the blanket away to find FOUR brightly wrapped packages in the back seat, each containing an accordion.
the note?? well some say if was a b flat, others say it was cut out of magazine pages and said "thank god!!! we didn't know what to do with these!!!"
we'll never know, it was destroyed when he threw himself under the bus.