SETTLING DIFFERENCES

SETTLING DIFFERENCES

By Bill Cottringer

     One certainty that has been with me all my life is that life has a game plan of which I am only part. Obviously when this game plan differs from my own personal preferences, needs and beliefs, the typical result is an uncomfortable feeling; this discomfort in turn can be worsened by the frustration from failed attempts to make things the way I want them to be. Then I can become sad or angry at life and my own inability to do anything about it. Double whammy! Neither emotion is a problem-solving cure. They both just add more fuel to the fire.

     One very central theme in my own life has been the importance and value of good team work. I think team work is a very important success ingredient in work and life. Obviously, for me, the teamwork involves knowing life's overall intentions and operating methods and then doing my part to help our team get to the finish line with maximum fun and well-being and minimum broken bones and bleeding (our own and others too). Of course, this is where all the problems, conflicts and disagreements begin and end—our own fundamental beliefs about the purpose of life, its methods, and our part in these things.

     Everything in life seems to have it's this vs. that "opposite "team"—we have Christians and non-Christians, men and women, young and old, Republicans and Democrats, rich and poor, Easterners and Westerners, smart people and ignorant ones, law-biding citizens and criminals, healthy folks and sick ones, teachers and students, Democracies and Autocracies, and thinkers and doers. The usual problem occurs when one side of the equation takes its team's beliefs, goals and methods as being more correct and better than the other side. Then the game becomes a war, especially with divine endorsement, where winning is the only desirable outcome for both sides. Unfortunately, this scenario most often becomes a set up that usually results in two losers. More so today than ever before for some reason or another.

     I have come to understand that the majority of life's more important dual "teams," to which we somehow chose to belong, struggle with divergent problems, for which there are no clear, permanent solutions. Such is the case with the fundamental conflicts that result in the most bloodshed, like justice vs. mercy, equality vs. freedom, one religious dogma or government form vs. another one, and traditionalism vs. progressivism. The second half of this understanding is what really counts—life's overall game plan doesn't intend these problems to be cured, but rather understood, accepted and compromised (all in a very active, positive manner).

     In the end, it seems that all we can do is to choose the side which we feel most comfortable being part of and then be the best team player we can be, given our knowledge and abilities, without taking our chosen role and side too seriously and automatically declaring our side right and the other one wrong. This especially seems to be most ineffective in debate. Words only get in the way of truth and reality.

     Who really knows, maybe we are both right; but in the meantime all we can really do is to play our best game with all that we have to do that. But before we can do that, we have to make sure we are in the right game. Getting to the last rung at the top of the ladder only to find out you have placed your ladder against the wrong building, can be a very humbling, untimely experience changing the whole game.

     So what is the right game? I know what the right game is, but I doubt that I can explain it clearly and accurately enough to get total agreement and good understanding. That is because of the many interfering noisy differences we have all accumulated as a result of making the choices between the yangs and yins of life, and being totally convinced that our side is righter and better than the other one.  The fact of our own assumed correctness and the other side's incorrectness is something we are willing to get beat-up, maimed and killed for. Wrong building! Granted, suffering and death are a normal part of life but we have no obligation (or right or responsibility?) to add to these negatives.

     So, to get to a point of consensus we have to peel off the onion layers one by one, in being completely open-minded and flexible in our own individual thinking and being willing to shed our security blankets of sacred beliefs about the building we have our ladders up against. Not any easy task for most of us who have built up layers of pride and ego from ladder-climbing achievements and accomplishments in making our team stronger.

     The bottom line to all this is the fundamental belief we have about our partnership with life—the opportunity of our life in exchange for our cooperation with life's game plan. No amount of thinking or words can define this moment. It is strictly between our minds and souls to hear and listen. And the results can't be communicated with ordinary words. Usually, when this consensus of purpose is communicated, it is conveyed through a twinkle in the eyes and a barely perceptible smile. Too many words and aggressive actions are sure signs we are not there or even close.

      If you are feeling frustrated that this essay is going nowhere, stop and consider what you may do to get somewhere. Here are a few ideas worth considering:

• Suspend your automatic judgment that the side you are presently on is better and more right than the other side. In some situations, this will be the hardest thing to do. You may have to get down off your ladder.
• Try and accept the possibility that some problems and conflicts are not meant to be solved permanently with one clear solution being better than the other. But in  a way, that is a solution in buying time for one—maybe some things just need a dynamic tension to see or sense the more workable compromise.
• Focus more on using your knowledge and talents to be the best team player you can be on your chosen side, and focus less on your team winning or the other team losing. Compete against yourself and cooperate with everyone else.
• For every good idea you have, stop thinking or feeling about it and translate it into positive action to demonstrate your fundamental belief in your own role with life's game plan.
• Share your secrets and suspicions about your role and this game plan with others you feel safe with.
• And if you are still clueless, go out in nature for a few days and silently observe the abundant clues to all of life's divergent problems. These clues are true and beautiful at the same time.

William Cottringer, Ph.D. is President of Puget Sound Security, Sport Psychologist, Business Success Coach, photographer and writer from Belleview, WA. He is author of You Can Have Your Cheese & Eat It Too and The Bow-Wow Secrets:  How Dogs Live Simple Lives & People Don't. Bill can be reached with comments and questions at (425) 454-5011 or bcottringer@pspp.net