Start living for yourself!!

Doing the "the right thing" is something most of us strive to do in life. I think that for any of us to admit otherwise would be tantamount to stating that we are not good people, and very few people will admit to that. I know that I probably will get some criticism for what I am about to say next and I recognize that what I am going to say is a generalization, but I think those of us that are less religious are more inclined to "do the right thing", simply because being religious involves owning up to certain biases. When you have faith, you have a get out of jail free card called prayer. Also we tend to use the "You don't get to go to the afterparty unless you believe in my God etc" line much less. I know some really good and fine people who are religious, but for every one of them I know, I know 10 that are not.

I related a lot to your comments on the romantic notion of living for someone else being illogical. I did it once myself and was shocked into reality by a divorce. An amiable divorce, or at least as amiable as it is possible to be through divorce proceedings. My happiness at the time was being dictated by the moods and happiness of my significant other at the time. I swore to myself that I would be unhappy for the rest of my life. What a child I was..too many romantic notions of my life being unbearable without her. The fact is that from a personal growth perspective, finding out that it was a bad idea to "allow" your happiness to be dictated by someone else was the best thing that ever happened me. Notice my emphasis on "allow". I let it happen.

We need to be true to ourselves. Not only should we "do what is right". We need to do what is right for ourselves. I don't mean that to be selfish, what I mean is that you have to do what feels right to you, not what is right for you from a selfish perspective. You have to able to live with what you do afterwards.

I am an extremely picky person and monogomous by nature, so I don't know if I am going to meet someone else. All I can do is continue to do the "right thing for me". If that means not getting married again because I don't find the right one for me, well then so be it. The one thing I have figured out through all this is that most people are much stronger than they might think themselves to be. Anytime something bad happens me, I always say to myself "Will I remember this in 5 years?". Typically the answer is no :o)

Sorry, but i differ from what you are saying.
Ofcourse, i respect your thoughts and am not against it, but what i think is, we have to face certain situations where we have to make choices against our beliefs. I donot say, this happens everytime, but doing something to make someone feel better is of no harm.

Personally, i find my life worth when i get an oppurtunity to bring a lovely smile on somebody's face by doing simple things they want to be done. I agree with you when big decisions which directly affect our own lives is concerned. But, as far as small and simple things are concerned, i try to mould myself according to the people i am close to, so that i can make them happy, not because i want them to feel superior but it may bring a smile on their face which indirectly makes me feel superior.

It is possible that you may disagree, but every individual has his own views. As far as being religious is concerned, being a hindu, i dont visit temples often, but i believe, God exists and helps me in every difficult situation. He is always with me and is within me. God gives me strength.

I respect your thoughts and beliefs. Keep smiling.

God bless.

Kevin, people don't speak for God. Please be careful not to think God is some sort of democratically elected leader, with each "believer" getting a vote. And please don't judge God by the actions or words of "believers", they are not His representatives. The God of the Christian Bible (the one I have some familiarity with) gives no free rides or easy outs. He offers help only to those who wish to "do the right thing". It pains me to see so many people kept away by the "religious" crap.

Repentance is an offer of help to shed guilt that makes people feel they cannot be good, and so see no real point in trying to "do the right thing". There's no way to "trick" God into forgiving (erasing guilt) if the person doesn't actually commit themselves to making full use of the forgiveness to improve themselves. Strange as it may sound, those who at some point sincerely asked for forgiveness, and then continue to do wicked things, are still being helped to be better by God. In other words, they would be even more wicked if they hadn't asked, and more successful in doing mischief. They made a deal, and God never reneges on a bargain, forever.

John, I don't think that I even hinted anywhere in my response that people spoke for God. However; now that you have brought it up, whether you believe it or not, all religions (God aside) are judged by the actions of their congregations. What makes a congregation a cult versus a religion is pure numbers. Yet cult is a word with a negative slur.

I commend you in thinking and believing as strongly as you do and you seem like a person who would do the right thing, "but" I have met a lot of people who believe that they have strong faith but are among some of the first to not "do the right thing". It really bothers me when someone who reads the bible every day is just a downright nasty person to deal with. Yes, people are still human, but how hypcritical do you have to be to preach to others about what is the right thing yet not be capable of doing it yourself in your day to day life. Why would I want to be like them or ever aspire to their goals in life. Isn't that odd? Maybe in their case, the strength of their faith is peculiar to the circumstances at the time. In other words, they choose when to "do the right thing" and when "not to do the right thing".

As for God being a democratically elected leader, the only similarity between god and a democratically elected leader is that much like a political leader, there is a choice to believe/vote, however in god's case the downside is that God cannot be held accountable for their actions or lack thereof. Although I don't see much of the same with our elected officials either. And yes, I do understand there is a difference between a deity and a person.

This comment on God versus elected officials is more tongue in cheek. :o)

I would be interested in knowing what you meant when you said It pains me to see so many people kept away by the "religious" crap."

Personally, I think the absence of a God to forgive is better in the case of this specific discussion. Much like the arabs and justice, If I steal, then I have my hand cut off. I won't use that hand to steal again and I bet I'll think better of losing the other one. That' does not mean I don't believe in God, I just think that unlike you, a lot of people do see prayer and the absolving of sins as an easy way out.

By the way, your article "Everything Looks Like a Nail, To a Man With a Hammer" is excellent.

I think that there is a confusion of issues here.

First, most people become conformists as they grow up. Their parents tell them what to do and so do teachers, churches, government and finally the boss at work. This turns them from their natural state to being conformists who are eternally trying to figure out what is expected of them and then meet that expectation. Conforming takes and a lot of effort and brainpower without us even knowing we are doing it.

Let's call these people followers, but some are such total conformists that they don't know who they are. Others are not so much so, but they still tend to conform. Estimates indicate that 95% of us are followers.

Those who aren't conformists don't waste any brainpower trying to figure out to what they should conform. As such, their brain is not wasting any time trying to conform and is free to unleash its full potential of creativity, innovation, productivity, motivation and commitment (all of which come from the brain) on whatever they do.

Let's call these people non-followers. Because they have never tried to figure out what others want, they know what they want, what they are good at and why they do what they do. In other words, they know themselves and have known themselves for most of their lives.

What's more, these non-followers use their own value standards to decide what to do and how to do it, not what society or someone else expects them to do.

There is more to this, but my point is that when Talina says "live for yourself" I believe that what she means is be a non-follower and follow your own path, not what someone else wants you to be. Shakespeare said "unto thine own self be true and thou canst not then be false to any man". That is wisdom for us all. This being a non-follower consists of figuring out what to do using your own value standards and not trying to conform or figure out what others want you to do. Since most of us do the latter without knowing it, you will have to concentrate to catch and stop yourself from trying to figure out to what to conform, and also concentrate to use what you want and your values to decide what to do, every minute of everyday.

But as others have said, living just for yourself is not a good thing, actually a very self-centered approach which ignores a ton of obligation we each have. We are born into a world that provides a huge amount of goodies, things and conditions which were created for us by people we will rarely ever have the chance to thank. For those in the U.S., we enjoy a freedom and a standard of living which is far greater and far superior to that found almost anywhere else. I for one am damn thankful for that and I feel obligated to add to to pot, to make things better for those who follow after me. I am thankful for the thousands of people who created the present day car, the TV, the myriad of books with great knowledge from which I can learn, etcetera, etcetera, ad infinitum. I have a lot of obligations to those thousands if not millions of people. I am thankful the present day military and police who are willing to give their lives so that I may live in freedom and relative security.

I also decided at one point in my life to marry and I owe to my wife a ton, so much that I try everyday to pay her for her love. We have two daughters who are our joint responsibility and will be so for our entire lives. My Mother and Dad are both dead and gone, but I owe to them a debt that can never be adequately paid.

How do I pay back all those who are dead? By giving to those who are alive now, by making myself able to help and then helping whoever needs help. Don't let any of your opportunities to help pass without grabbing them and if you are unable to help this time, develop whatever knowledge is necessary so that the next time you can.

Above all, love God. I do not mean to love religion, most of which was created by man. No, I mean love God and do what God wants you to do. I won't say how to do this, but doing so is certainly one of the ways to a very rewarding and satisfying life.

I hope that I have helped the discussion.

Best regards, Ben
Author "Leading People to be Highly Motivated and Committed"

Hmmmmm, I wonder.

From my experiences in business and government, I have noticed how poorly creative and individualist people often perform.

Success is often measured in a person's ability to find a sweet spot between conformity and individualism, between imitation and creativity.

I find myself so often asking individualists and the creative, "why are you reinventing the wheel?", or find myself complaining "If you had just read the freak'n manual you would have been done two months ago".

Wonderful article, Talina. I enjoy your writings and now these comments.
There is a difference between living for one's self and being selfish, as there is a difference between helping fellow humans and living for them.
If we live for another, we lose ourselves. We can respect ourselves and if we dedicate ourselves to a cause, then that is our choice.
As far as loving god goes, we all have the right to choose our own mythology, and that is what god is. Sometimes it's easy to do the right thing, and sometimes we must go against our own happiness to do what is right. That is still living for ourselves, as we have chosen respect of the moment... the decision is ours. To live for another, or under another's rules especially when those rules run counter to our core instincts and happiness is to live falsely and one will not be happy.
If one chooses to live for others, that is a choice which must on some level parallel one's instincts to work out.

There is definitely a point to the notion of most of the population being conformists. I used to drive my ex-wife mad by asking questions like "Why do we pay taxes?", and the inevitable response from a political science teacher (as she is), "because you have to". I had to go off and read books like "Leviathan" and take some Philosophy courses to figure out that taxes are one of the costs of civilization. I do believe there is an element of curiousity in non conformists that results in questions and requirements for proof that a certain path is the right path. Is it the right path because someone else tells you it is, or is it the right path because you have taken all the possible inputs that you know off and figured out for yourself what the right path is. And we still need to keep in mind that some of the judgements we might use in evaluating these inputs may in and of themselves be as a result of values we have inherited or acquired through conforming to the norms of society.

It is interesting that conforming and belief in God are brought up in the same discussion. Personally, I think that a strong belief in God or other mythological figures is by definition conforming in that you are a product of either the environment you were born into or you are influenced by the society in which you live. Why is religion or belief in a deity a requirement in a civilized society? I once did a review on a book by Bertrand Rusell titled" Why I am not a Christian" in an ethics class. It was very enlightening for me to see the responses of individuals that I considered to be otherwise very well informed and broadminded. A little shocking in some respects in that it was impossible for them to be objective when talking or discussing my review.

Sorry for meandering a bit but some of the comments in this post have made for interesting reading and subsequent thought. The bottom line for me on "doing the right thing" is that it has to be something you can live with afterwards. In doing the right thing, you must be prepared to stand your ground on why it was the right thing to do. You must be able to defend your position to your conscience at least. If you feel this way, then by definition, you will not live for another person unless you have convinced yourself that it is the "right thing to do" in those specific circumstances and that you can live with it.

Great discussion and I have enjoyed the conversation :o)