GENEVA, Switzerland. Louise Arbour, United Nations High Commissioner for Human Rights, today expressed "grave concern" over what she called "Top-40 Torture" by the U.S. and its allies after receiving a report that the music of Barry Manilow was being used to drive late-night partygoers away from a suburban park near Sydney, Australia.
"English-speaking nations must understand that the rest of the world will not tolerate such heinous, callous and perfidious tactics," she said, speaking without notes but glancing occasionally at a paperback book titled "100 Days to a More Powerful Vocabulary".
Bill Saravinovski, Deputy Mayor of Rockdale, a town located just south of Sydney, said he would continue the practice which has succeeded in deterring car enthusiasts from gathering at Cook Park Reserve. "Barry's our secret weapon," he said. "If the UN wants to send in peacekeeping forces, fine. Otherwise, I'm sticking to my guns."
The Australian town's tactics recalled the use by U.S. troops of hard rock and boring public radio news broadcasts to drive General Manuel Noriega from his refuge at the Nunciature of the Vatican embassy in Panama City in 1989. "We tried to be humane," said General Tommy Goodwin, who headed the invasion that overthrew Noriega. "No Olivia Newton-John or Manilow. We relied strictly on conventional weapons like Bob Seger and 'All Things Considered'."
The U.S. abandoned its use of the musical torment when the Vatican complained. "Either put on some polkas by Bobby Vinton," said Pope John Paul II at the time, "or turn that crap off." The Pope and Bobby Vinton shared a common Polish heritage.
Saravinovski says he will continue the practice for as long as his budget holds out, but that he must compensate officers who patrol the area with hazardous duty pay. "I feel for these guys," he said. "Have you ever listened to the extended version of 'Mandy' on the '2 Nights Live' album?"
But UN High Commissioner Arbour is equally determined to end a practice that she calls "barbaric". "To do anything less would constitute--in the words of that great diplomat Kermit the Frog--a 'travesty of a mockery of a sham'."
Copyright 2006, Con Chapman
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Comments: 17
"To do anything less would constitute--in the words of that great diplomat Kermit the Frog--a 'travesty of a mockery of a sham'."
It reminds me of the line from "A Mighty Wind" - "There was abuse in my family, but it was mostly musical in nature. "
He can't laugh,
can't sing,
Finding it hard,
To do anything.
Torture? You don't KNOW torture until you've listened to some of the crap my son listens to! I wonder if I can get the Human Rights Commission into my condo.
Congrats on making the front page!
The only story I have to share is one that happens every month. I pay my city utility bill by credit card over the telephone. As such, I am put on hold for up to 20 minutes. During that time there is a looping Kenny G song that is interrupted every 90 seconds by a voice that apologizes for my wait. When the customer service rep finally gets around to answering my call, she says "Sacramento City Utilities. How may I help you?"
I respond "This is how you may help me. You can turn off that damned awful Kenny G music!"