Aggression in Children

Question posed by Kristen O    to Ask Jennifer :

How do I deal with my 14-month-old hitter?

"I have a darling almost 14th month old son.  As to be expected, he is trying to be more independent and is certainly becoming more opinionated.  He is starting to swack at me when he's frustrated or mad that I'm 1) changing his diaper 2) taking him away from what he's doing 3) (insert infraction here).  At this point I usually take his hand and say 'Ouch!  Don't hit Mommy.  That hurts.'  But I'm not sure the point is being made.  Or should I just wait this one out and don't waste the effort on this minor infraction (in the grand scheme of things).  What to do?"

Provide boundaries, safe avenues for venting, and appropriate adult supervision

It is important to note that this kind of behavior is very typical of your son's age and gender.  He is probably not behaving abnormally, though there are many factors that affect the degree of aggression he may show.  The good news is that there are also things you can do to minimize the number and severity of his "attacks."

Causes of aggression:

In his second year of life, your son is seeking to gain his independence and self-identity.  He is easily frustrated by his lack of control over both you and his environment.  He also lacks both empathy and impulse control.  Therefore, he may not understand that it hurts you when he hits you, and he may not be able to control himself even if he did.  Toddlers this age also lack the ability to foresee the consequences of their actions.  Therefore, he cannot avoid the unpleasant results of his behavior.

Adding to his frustrations, he also lacks the social proficiency to understand that hitting is socially unacceptable, and lacks the verbal proficiency to tell you what is really bothering him.  He may be too interested in his play to want to stop and have his diaper changed, but cannot tell you that.  Moreover, without a sense of time, he will not understand that the more cooperative he is, the more quickly he can return to his game.  He also has a deep interest in cause and effect, so he is curious to see what happens and how you will react when he does hit you.  To make it worse, the way you react could encourage him to do it more!

Things that aggravate aggression:

• Lack of sleep
• Hunger
• Illness
• Life changes (as in a new teacher, a recent move, a new little sister in the house)
• Inadequate attention
• Hostile environment (aggression is modeled by adults)
• Highly controlling environment (child has little freedom to do things on his own or to explore)
• Uncontrolled environment (opposite of last item, lack of rules or supervision, chaotic environment)
• Impaired caregivers (adult depressed, or under influence of drugs and/or alcohol)
• Extremely aggressive children often have highly, overly punitive aggressive parents

Each time your son hits or otherwise becomes overly aggressive, analyze the situation, and see if any of the above factors have come into play.  Try to remedy any factors that are causing your son's behavior, and see if he improves.

What to do about aggression:

• Lay down the rules (ex: "We do not hit people.")
• Avoid a heavy hand, be firm but gentle
• Make sure your punishment fits the crime
• Enforce good behavior with praise
• Validate the child's feelings, but show him appropriate ways to express them
• Encourage expression of feelings in words
• Provide opportunities for safe and healthy venting
• Recognize when your child has had enough, then remove him from the situation
• Banish boredom, keep child engaged and active
• Find soothing activities
• Set a non-aggressive example

It is important for your child to know that you understand what they are feeling, and that it is okay for him to be angry, frustrated, etc.  Show him how to express what he is feeling in non-aggressive ways, whether that be by drawing a picture, banging on a drum or using anther musical instrument, hitting the floor or a pillow, or just running around the back yard.  Be sure you and the other adults who care for your child are setting a good example by examining how you react when frustrated or upset.

Call your child's physician during office hours if:

• Aggressive behavior is very frequent
• Your child has seriously hurt someone else
• Your child cannot keep friends
• Your child seems very angry most of the time
• The misbehavior lasts more than four weeks, even after trying the techniques described here.

Do not hesitate to ask for help if you need it.  Your child's physician can be a valuable resource, and may provide a referral if a specialist or counselor is needed.  If you find the problem is you or another adult in your child's life, be sure to find help for that person, too.  How you handle aggression at this stage in your child's life will play an important role in the kind of adult he will become in the future.

You are the best judge of whether your child's behavior is normal toddler frustration or something about which you should be concerned.  Although physical aggression should never be condoned, there are ways you can show your child that what they are feeling is valid, and that there are healthy ways to express those feelings.  The best treatment for any behavior problem will always be unconditional love, understanding, and guidance.

Sources:

What to Expect the Toddler Years by Eisenberg, Murkhoff, and Hathaway.

Your Child's Health by Barton D. Schmitt.