Dividing Time Between Children

Question posed by Victoria Howard  to Ask Jennifer :

How do you divide your time between your children?

"Ok, this is something that has bothered me for a while.  I have four children and sometimes I find myself favoring one or the other of them, and not spending as much time on the others that I should.  I know when it is happening but half the time when I finally realize it, it is too late and the damage has been done.  For instance, Brendon is the oldest, Kaity is the only girl, and Garran is the youngest.  So poor Shawny gets all the brunt of being the middle child.  Or the fact that Garran is always in the hospital and needs more attention in that way.  Do the other kids feel neglected?  Could this be why they act out the way they do?  If anyone has any insights on this matter it would be great."

Give them what they need, which is not necessarily equal time.

The good news is that different children require different amounts and kinds of attention.  They do not need to be treated exactly the same way in order to feel equally loved.  The key to meeting the needs of multiple children is to recognize that each is an individual, with individual differences, and therefore individual needs.  By giving each child what he or she needs, instead of focusing on equal time, you can rid yourself of the guilt of not being able to meet unrealistic expectations on your time.

First, help each child recognize how each is different from the others, and special in their own ways.  When children learn to be individuals, they will not need to be treated identically in order to be happy.  Do make time alone with each child, though each may not need the same amount of time, just your undivided attention for the time you have.  This is how you will learn what each child needs in terms of individualized affection, discipline, criticism, and praise.  Then you can teach your children to recognize how each of the others is different, and what their different needs are.  This will help them learn empathy, and how to be independent.

Next, let your knowledge be a guide for your actions.  Although the amount of time you spend with each child need not be the same, the amount of love you give should always be equal.  How you show that love can be individualized, but if the amount you love differs, your children will notice!  Feel free to give to each child individually, as opposed to giving everyone a toy, a new pair of shoes, or the same size slice of cake.  If your children have learned how they are each unique, and how to recognize the needs of others, they will not need to receive the same things as everyone else, as long as their real needs are being met.  (Such as for love and attention.)  In addition, now that your children understand each other's needs and have empathy for each other, you can allow them to help you care for each other, as much as their age and maturity levels allow.  This can help you have more time for all of them.

Parents are constantly working to avoid showing favoritism towards certain children over others.  The good news is there are things we can do to minimize the appearance of favoritism, and therefore its impact:

• Make all punishments for arguing or fighting "group punishments."  Because it usually takes more than one person to have an argument or fight, apply the consequences to everyone and they will learn not to let disagreements escalate.
• Continue to teach each child that he or she is unique and special.
• Do not take sides.
• Do not compare the children to each other.
• Do not listen to tattling.

Try not to feel guilty if you have been more focused on the second, third, or fourth child than you may have been on the first.  The same goes if you have had to pay more attention to the first child(ren) than you have on the last one(s).  Children parented with less intensity may actually benefit in many ways!  Such children tend to be more independent, and less demanding of attention.  Do pay attention if someone is obviously crying out for attention, whether verbally by behavior cues.  Give that child extra attention for as long as it is needed, and recognize that your children will likely cycle through phases of needing more and less attention.  (Hopefully not all at the same time!)

A great book to read together is You're All My Favorites by Sam Mcbratney, with illustrations by Anita Jeram.  It is about a family of bears, made up of a Mommy bear, Daddy bear, and three baby bears.  The baby bears are full of questions about how their parents know that each of them is special, and how it can be that each of them is the favorite.  Fortunately, the Mommy and Daddy bears are full of very good answers!  Although my son is currently an only child, he loves to hear this story over and over.

Just keep in mind that if you have more than two children, you and your mate are outnumbered!  And if you are a single parent, more than one child puts you at the numerical disadvantage.  But you have wisdom, experience, and maturity on your side.  You also have the love you feel for all of your children.  And that is a love that need not be divided among them, only multiplied!

Sources:

What to Expect the Toddler Years by Eisenberg, Murkhoff, and Hathaway.

Your Child's Health by Barton D. Schmitt.