My words, not my physical image, should represent me on a writing forum. Since Gather allows me to attach a photo icon to my words, I looked for an image that would represent the many facets of who I am, not how I look.
I chose this picture of my great grandmother relaxing outdoors because to me, she represents freedom, inner peace, hope, and beauty, so she serves as a perfect icon for the way I want to present myself. My children are grown and my work done. Today, I sit with my back to the dirty dishes and dusty furniture, facing the world. My treasures live inside me, not my house or garage, and I hope to release them to the world around me.
For those who see Granny's face and wonder if I took a good look before typing the word beauty, I will explain my thoughts about beauty and how they developed. I came into this life knowing I was beautiful, intelligent, talented, and everyone loved me. The incredible part of my story is that I didn't believe any of this gave me an advantage; I also believed everyone else was beautiful, intelligent, and talented, and I loved them back.
Somehow, those beliefs survived my snaggle-toothed stage, a gangly growth spurt that put me a head taller and ten pounds lighter than everyone else my age, my drop into the ranks of average grades, and the addition of my blue, cat eye glasses. However, when I asked my sixth-grade teacher why she had not assigned me to a math tutor when my falling grades made it obvious I was struggling, her response set my comfy world in a spin.
"Girls that look like you don't have to worry about math," she said. "Men eventually take care of them." She sent me back to my desk with no help and many new questions.
I doubted everything I had known before then and questioned the motives of everyone in my life. Did I get the solo in the concert because of how I looked, or because I earned it with my music? Had my appearance, and not the fact that we enjoyed the same hobbies, influenced the amount of time my Grandmother spent with me? Would people still love me if I looked different?
The underlying message surfaced, inspiring my first introspective journey at age eleven. Did I use my looks to get what I wanted? The answer was a definite no. After the teacher's statement and my self-reflection, I devalued what others thought of me and decided my own opinion was the only one that mattered. I liked me, and knew my esteem was not tied to my appearance.
I turned that lesson into an almost complete disregard for appearance and popularity. I played with make-up, hair, and clothes, like other girls, but did not care what anyone else thought about my choices, or what anyone else wore or liked. My outlook produced mixed results. Since I lived without trying to predict how those who considered themselves popular or attractive would treat me if I stepped outside their rules, I failed to predict the backlash when I dated a guy one of those popular girls had claimed for her own, or the benefit of rolling my eyes at the guy who offered me a free picture of himself in his football uniform, in front of the girls who had lined up behind me to purchase their copies. Long story short, the guys liked me for the right reasons and strengthened my disregard for appearance; superficial girls disliked me for the wrong reasons, often hurting themselves in the process, which provided more good lessons for me.
I knew I was attractive, although I never believed as much so as others seemed to think. I never thought I had to announce my attractiveness to others, nor was I obligated to deny it. It was a truth to me, the same as being female, or having blue eyes, not worthy of pride or shame.
How others perceived my appearance awarded me certain advantages; I accepted that. Because the body I came in was a gift, I also accepted the responsibility that came with something I hadn't earned. If I purposely used it for personal gain, I would not deserve what I gained and therefore could not enjoy it.
The decisions I made regarding presentation were based more on personality than appearance. To me, sexy is a state of being, not a look. Intelligence is what I give, not what I possess; my personality is fun, not my wardrobe. Therefore, I disregarded these things when choosing clothes and hairstyles. My boyfriend thought Rod Stewart's "You Wear It Well" was written for me, and I wore the tux when the invitation announced formal attire. I learned to expect people to be surprised by my attitude, because I appear softer and younger than I am.
Later, I ran into a second situation much like that with my sixth-grade teacher. While offering me a promotion, my boss suggested that my appearance played a role in the rapport I enjoyed with the medical staff and my ability to accomplish more than my co-workers. I accepted the promotion, and went to work for the next six months with my hair pulled back, no make-up, a lab coat over my clothes, and glasses instead of contact lenses. When the doctors recommended me for my next position, and they hired two people to replace me in the one I was leaving, I was reassured that my appearance had nothing to do with my success.
My Gather experience has been interesting. I do believe my icon garnered a softer touch from many than a current picture might have, and for that a few people were resentful of my using Granny. However, I stand by the belief that she represents the true me, and our words are what should matter most in this forum (masked men, cartoon characters, clouds, and puppy dogs included).
Now Available– male perspective from John A. 2.0
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Comments: 199
not an image I see or create
Your wit and strong attitude
is what does so satiate.
I've learn to love you
from the words you say
And admire your forwardess
cause it is your own way.
As to Gather icons - who really cares? To me, the icon/ name is but a signpost. A particular icon/ name signifies that here I will find writing (and personality) characteristics X,Y&Z. To me, the person's gender and age are irrelevant. Whether or not the icon accurately depicts the person's age and gender are also totally meaningless to me. Ditto the name that they choose to use. All these are but forms - the content is the only thing relevant and important to me. That content is spiritual - love! Even though I might disagree with what the person says, I never lose sight of the fact that he or she is a radiant spirit whose hand is held by God.
The writings on Gather do not diminish the intrinsic worth and graciousness of the writers - such merely reflects their own mindsets, whether wise or foolish.
Oops, I gone on for too long and there's still so much more that I could say.
Magi
When looking at a new article, I can scan thru the comments, and see if any of my pals are commenting, by the icons. Very few of us use our real photos, not should we have to.
I love your icon, Sandy, and recognize you by it, even though I've known all along it is not you.
When my brain finally caught-up with my body, a year or two after I was married, it was tremendously difficult for those people who had only known bimbo me to take my evolving consciousness seriously. I could only blame myself.
It is clear that you never lacked intellectual confidence, Sandy. I've finally learned what you learned at age eleven. It's sexy to be smart.
And open minded.
I guess I'm personally grateful that you've chosen to ignore physical appearance only in favor of spiritual and intellectual pursuits.
Modern medical science can do wonderful things for people's looks, but they've yet to demonstrate they can create a beautiful soul...
I am attached to your granny image because I met you that way. I've looked at your lovely photos and was not surprised by anything except the incredibly beautiful blueness of your eyes. You do come across as a level-headed intelligent, and compassionate writer. The image of you/your grandmother rocking on that chair fits perfectly with what you say.
Some days I am vain
and on others I'm sane
It varies with pain
and the rain and
the wind on my weather vane.
I liked to look nice but I had my own style. Vanity is not one of my trait.
I think your article describes you well, an independent thinker.
We are we are
I did so enjoy this. Despite it being well written and easy prose - it is full of the disarming honesty that makes granny such a gal.
MMMmmm
soulfood
:-)
PS iconography cuts both ways
I still get razzed by my wife over the comments I recieved when I posted my actual mug shot
Beauty shines throug, even when you pull your hair back severely and wear the lab coat. It can't be hidden any more than inherent ugliness can be. Pretty still wins.
Much of my 12-year stint writing in cyberspace has been representated by a graphic of a snowflake, rather than my likeness. It wasn't till maybe 2-3 years ago that someone pointed out that an "about me" page needs to have a person, rather than an icon. Truth be known, I don't read articles on account of who's in a picture, but because the words speak to me.
I do appreciate your explanation as why it is Granny who represents you, as opposed to any myriad other images.
I'm with Nicola who said:
> "As to Gather icons - who really cares? To me, the icon/ name is but a signpost. "
As you know, I couldn't agree more.
I love your granny!
A young woman who I was very close to had a similiar experience to yours, only she sadly allowed herself to be convinced she was never anything but a pretty face and everything she gained was because of that. She is a wife and mother now and I think she finally realizes that some people love her for herself, not her outer beauty, but it was a very long road for her. I doubt she will ever actually realize how smart and strong she truly is.
Your writing & your wisdom are some of the things that keep me at Gather.
I also look for your granny image when looking for a good read - don't ever change it!
Once she got that PhD, though, WOW! The beauty queen was allowed to re-emerge.
Well, for what it's worth, thank you for this posting.
Now I'm trying to figure out what my fuzzy choice of icon says about me ;)
The one word I was surprised you did not use was "contentment." When I see Granny on her rocker, I get the sense of someon whose work is done, and done to her satisfaction. She is content to sit and rock, to watch her world and share her wisdom and humor with people she knows will stop by to sit a spell. She's content with life, and comfortable with her lot.
I love your Granny, she reminds me of my own dearly departed Grandma Esta, the resemblance is striking. It is one of the things that drew me to your writing. Then I began reading your words, and realized that there was a gorgeous woman behind the icon. We don't need a picture to see that, its obvious in your humor, your passion and your turn of a phrase.
I agree with the signpost comment. I get used to icons and look for them. When people change them, I get lost for a bit!
But to settle down and write you a line
Anyway, my coffees cold and Im getting told
That I gotta get back to work
So when the sun goes low and youre home all alone
Think of me and try not to laugh .........................."
"A little ole-fashioned but that's alright..." Thanks to Rod the Mod!
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A wonderful tribute to a loved one and a more than sound reasoning.
The damage our society does to itself because we value image over substance is , in it's own way, a very sad commentary on us all. We are all guilty ( to different degrees ) of saying we cherish results, but , in reality, we all worship at the alter of image.
That's probably why nature gave us aging. if aging doesn't wise us up the facts of life, nothing will. Keep doing what you're doing; it's working.
As always, a well crafted article with a thoughtful message. I enjoy your candor and viewpoint, and always look forward to seeing your icon within an article thread.
If your great grandmother was sitting in a rocking chair, I would say "Rock On"!
Top notch. If this isn't an Editor's Pick, for the love of Riley what is?
I love the article, when I went to work, I wore big heavy black rimmed glasses and my hair in a bun. I didn't want to be anyone's bimbo.
Funny that in order to be taken seriously we have to hide who we are.
Yet are constantly reminded beauty is the only thing for women.
That comment from your sixth grade teacher is incredible, and yet it holds so much truth. When I look at my daughter, I recognize all the pain and amazement she has to look forward to, looking the way she does. Lucky for her that she doesn't have the blonde stigma, too.
I'm now at the other end of the voyage, so when I walk into a room, most people don't even notice.
Thank you for an eloquent piece, and good on you that you stand for who you are. If people have problems with your icon, they need a life, for god's sake!
If you haven't seen John's article yet, I hope you will soon. He approaches the topic from a different perspective, and has done a wonderful job with it. (link above, in article)
And if you haven't visited Cheryl's latest I hope you will stop by there as well.
First, I wanted to comment on part of what you said here:
"I came into this life knowing I was beautiful, intelligent, talented, and everyone loved me. The incredible part of my story is that I didn't believe any of this gave me an advantage; I also believed everyone else was beautiful, intelligent, and talented, and I loved them back."
I am just curious as to how your parents/family helped you with the strong sense of self-esteem you seem to have found at an early age. It is not so easy for everyone - I had a classic dysfunctional family, my parents divorced when I was 5, and I felt very unloved (though that wasn't true). I also felt very ugly (I got glasses in first grade).
With such a strong foundation of self-esteem and with your obvious intelligence and talent, you handled the issue with your looks well enough. I just don't think all young women had the advantages you may have had (meaning, they may not have been as readily talented, or had the sense of inner self-worth you had for whatever reason).
As for myself, I was a late bloomer and no-one paid any special notice to my appearance until I was in my late 20s and my baby fat burned off my face and my body filled out a little bit so I stopped looking like Olive Oyl.
Since I've been on both sides of it...being plain and not-so-plain, I know there's a huge difference in how people treat you. If you've always grown up looking and feeling pretty you may not have been consciously aware of the subtle ways people treated you differently.
But I think people definitely get more attention the better you look (I know what it's like to be both completely ignored, as well as chased down by men in cars who've seen you on the street.) Attractive people are also generally given more opportunities in work (I've read about plenty of studies that have shown this, but I will admit I don't have one handy to cite). I have definitely gotten comments from people I have worked with that I had been hired for a specific sales job partially because I was pleasing to the eye.
It's also true that looks can be a double-edged sword and some people will take you less seriously because of them. But then again, you have to be careful how you present yourself in a work environment...during my blonde phase, I was working at a party I had coordinated for a marketing company. A woman came up to me and asked me what I did. I told her I was the Senior Marketing Consultant. She looks at me and says, "Really? I wouldn't have guessed, since you're so pretty." And this was in 2004, not 1964.
But see, at the time, my hair was long, straight, very flamboyantly blonde, and I was dressed for a party, not for work, so I looked like a bit of a Los Angeles tart, to tell you the truth. I've actually gone back to brunette partly to be taken more seriously.
So while you may say your appearance has nothing to do with your success, I think it might be fair to acknowledge that it can get a foot in the door. From there, it's up to you to work it and use your brains and talents to do the job right.
Sometimes a plus, sometimes a negative. But overall, better to have it than to not, but few understand that beauty is more from how one thinks than anything else.
I say you are/were beautiful precisely because of the love you received.
when very young.
PS I love the icon, so calm, peaceful, and sure of herself, this grand woman in the chair on the shade of a summer afternoon. Her strength is visible. I love knowing it is your grandmother.
Personally, I love the icon—always have. And I can definitely appreciate the questions that come with being an attractive female—I was always considered pretty by family, but not at all by peers until I was about 16—when all of a sudden, I was surrounded by people who liked me not because of my personality or intelligence, but the way I looked (and the fact that I had stopped giving a shit about their opinions over that summer). It's taken a really long time to gauge how many of the opportunities I've had, and friends I've made, were really based on merit. Now, I know that I have what I do because I work hard for it—and being cute? Well, that's just icing!
I agree with a lot of what you're saying here, and like I just mentioned, I also know what it's like to be ignored one year and hollahed at from cars, hallways, and barstools the next. This comment particularly struck me:
"It's also true that looks can be a double-edged sword and some people will take you less seriously because of them."
This holds very true for pretty much my entire life from the ages of 16 through about 20 (maybe even later). I was one of those girls that filled out early—a word which here means "D cups by 13." As a result, it was VERY hard to be taken seriously by just about any male I encountered, especially once I started getting less creepy attention from boys/men/whathaveyou.
In my first job, I was the thinnest I ever was, after losing about 65 pounds in a summer, going door-to-door getting donations for an environmental agency.
I worked there three summers in a row, and I ended up making a game out of dealing with the guys I came across, which generally fell into two-categories: College guys who inevitably wanted to get my phone number (one of them I actually ended up dating for 2.5 years, but that's another rant), and middle-aged businessmen types who thought that because I was a young, cute white girl, I didn't know what I was talking about.
With the college guys, I flirted like hell until they gave me money—never promising anything, just smiling a lot and joking around. With the older men, I let them think I was an imbecile for just long enough to get their arguement—at which point I'd throw down with some solid debate skills and they'd end up writing me a check because they were impressed.
The job I ended up at after that (kinko's), the manager wanted me to be part-time counter dressing and no more. However, I needed full-time hours and I wasn't going to stand for that sexist bullshit, so I convinced the weekend manager (who wanted to sleep with me something awful and wasn't afraid to make it known) to teach me how to use the machines by letting him watch me put on lip gloss with my finger now and again. By the end of three weeks, I had learned all the machines and I was running the weekend shift for over a year.
I'm not saying that everyone should do things like this—I'm not even saying that I should have done it—but at the time, it was my way of fighting back against what I always thought was a useless notion—that girls were somehow inferior, and that the bigger your tits or the cuter you are, the dumber you must be. I've been proving that theory wrong for almost two decades now, and I have no intention of stopping.
Sandy, I wanted to comment on your last comment here:
"I have had every hair color (including green before it was fashionable), gone from high fashion to jeans and tee shirts, worn glasses and not, and truly do not believe many people treated me differently because of the way I looked."
I believe there are many women here on Gather who have recently written very poignant articles on how they have been treated as obese women who would probably disagree with you.
I think you have had a certain level of attractiveness all your life, from what you say, and haven't really experienced being exceptionally unattractive. As someone else said, putting your hair up and wearing glasses isn't the same as being "really ugly."
I make that mistake sometimes too, thinking that somehow without my magical makeup, I'm not pretty, or when I wear glasses, I'm not pretty...and it's true, I may not be as initially noticeable, but guys will still hit on me. And trust me, these same guys would not be doing that if I were really overweight, for example.
Wearing glasses does not make you unattractive.
I think you have noble intentions and want to see the good in people...so maybe I'm just more cynical here...but I believe looks always affect people's impressions of a person in one way or another.
I'm glad you used the Granny.. it gave me time to get to know you.
I'm glad I did.
I will suggest to you about the article above though that although I belive every word you said, you will never and can never know the experience of HAVING to work so hard to just fit in.. and because of that your view will always be slightly skewed. LIke us all.
In my case I rejected doing that early on, but because I wasn't one of the lucky ones to belive i was fair even though I was (you really have no idea how blessed you were do you), I could SEE the struggle my peers did, and do put forth.
You had the luxury of refusing to trade on your looks but even under a lab coat with no makeup you would still be a beautiful woman no matter how hard working you might be.
One cannot 'teach' the blind to see..
be well.
L.
You are right about this too. There is some sort of anecdotal but true story I heard somewhere, about a very ugly guy who would get up every morning, look at himself naked in the mirror, and say to himself:
"Joe, you are one handsome devil. You rock. You are amazing."
Or something along those lines.
Apparently, he was a total chick magnet and did well in business and life thanks to the aura he projected.
I have few people in this life who I could say were geniuinely someone I would like to emulate. Thanks for adding yourself to the list!
The appearances can be deceptive. This article is so relevant to Gather icons, which can sometimes fog the mind while reading the thoughts.
Keep on fighting the good fight!