Parked on the shoulder of US 285 near Atlanta, I pounded the steering wheel, sobbing and repeating, "No,no, no. This doesn't happen to me. No. No. It doesn't happen to me."
Because I choose to live in a positive state, no matter what state of life I'm in, this was one time I couldn't be 'little Pollyanna, with the rose colored glasses', as my husband used to claim I was.
This time I had to get hold of myself, accept the fact my son had just been killed in an auto accident, and get myself back on the highway, get to a friend's house in Atlanta where I planned to spend the night.
I was driving back to TN from FL after a truly fun weekend celebrating my grandson, Jake's Bar Mitzvah!
On the drive I was recalling Jake and how proud of him I was when he read the Torah. Not being Jewish, I had no idea if he was doing it well or not, but all the comments I heard later said he was one of the best.
Being with my daughter Mary, her husband, Ralph, Jake, and his older sister Jordan, and another daughter Bethe and her son Malik, for this important occasion was good. I could hardly wait to get back to TN and tell the family there about the good weekend.
When my cell phone rang, and I carefully looked down at caller ID, I saw it was my youngest son Ray. I expected he was calling to see if I was going to stop by their house the following day, Memorial Day, on my way home.
That wasn't the reason for the call. I knew as soon as I heard my daughter in law, Tracey's anguished voice tell me to get off the highway, the call was not going to be good.
My older son Steve, was driving back from a soccer game with his 13 year old daughter Shaye when the accident happened. A rainstorm had passed through, his car hydroplaned, crossed the median and rolled over. He died in the ambulance. Thank God, she survived with a broken ankle and some bruises.
I managed to get back on the highway, I was near my friend's exit. With shaking hands, tears streaming down my face, fighting back sobs, I called her. She advised me to stop at a store near her and she would come and get me.
I was shaking, gasping for breath and called my friend Nancy, whom I had enjoyed the weekend with, and sobbed while I waited for Betsey to come and find me. "please don't' hang up! Don't hang up!" I sobbed, "I can't breathe! I can't breathe!"
My friend came and guided me to her house where I forced myself to be calm. I was no good to anyone in that state and I needed to find out how I was going to get back to TN. I would drive if I had to but I didn't want to.
My daughter Mary in FL had contacted my daughter Bethe, who had been there for Jake's celebration. She and her son Malik were on their way to Tallahassee, when she got the call from Mary and told to pull over. It was decided they would come to Atlanta in Bethe's car and Mary would drive my car to TN.
I don't cry well when other people are around. My dear friend, with tears streaming down her face tried to console me and I fought to pull myself together. I have to weep alone. I always make myself be strong in the face of tragedy or emergencies. Raising six children with a husband who was frequently gone, I had to be strong. Sometimes it was my forte. "I'm strong. I can do this." was often my mantra.
My friend needed to go to the store and try to get me to go with her but I couldn't. I couldn't be in public. After she left, and the sobs came again, I suddenly had an overwhelming sense of peace and serenity as I sensed the Steve's presence and the comment, "Mom, I'm okay."
the sobs stopped, the tears halted, the pain eased. I didn't see him, or anything other than the sense that he was okay.
I held onto that feeling for the next few days, whenever the pain became almost unbearable. Surrounded by my other children and my beautiful loving grandchildren, I held on. Steve would not want me to be a sobbing, mom. He would want me to be strong.
One of the things I always loved about being at Steve's house was watching the birds at the feeders he had. Especially the blue birds. I sent a spiritual, mental, prayerful message to him. "Send me a bluebird, Steve."
The morning of his funeral, I was looking out my bedroom window, preparing myself for the hours about to come. Two bluebirds sat on a branch on the tree outside my window. I knew he had sent them and I whispered a thank you and sent him my love.
There have been no bluebirds or any birds in that tree since that morning.
I know he exists somewhere beyond this life. I know he surrounds me with love. I also know I miss him on this earthly adventure.
Look for signs from those loved ones who have passed on. I believe they are in contact with us in many ways. Maybe a loved one will send you a bluebird, help you find a lost item, lightly brush your shoulder or kiss you gently on the cheek.
Our loved ones don't leave us forever. They are waiting for us somewhere in time.
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Comments: 10
Mona/
Your blue birds made me think of rainbows.
Another reason to express myself here ishoping it will help others. I am especially hoping those who have lost a loved one will be acceptable to the idea that we are not alone and we can receive signs from those no longer walking this earthly path.
Have a safe and fun 4th of Julyl. God bless our country and our planet.
I can not imagine of a worse pain...
Time does soothe it though...
I know words sound empty...
but I also think there is a connection of some sort with all forms of energy,
love being what holds it all together.