Fireside 11: Good Evening, Mr Green

Fireside 11: Good Evening, Mr Green

I wonder who's that knocking on my door at dusk?  Blast, I've got to remember to oil these front door hinges.  Oh, hi!  You're married to the lady from next door?  Yes, I do remember her!  She came to borrow this and that last night but hurried away empty handed because she suddenly remembered that you were due home.  Anyway, please do come in.  There's a real nip in the air, and we can warm ourselves by the ….

Luigi?  Your good wife mentioned something incoherent about a guy named Luigi before she became a gibbering wreck and had to be sedated?  I'm sorry to hear that!  Just follow me down the passage – but it's best if you walk exactly where I do.  The previous owner was paranoid about some horror lurking in this house and he booby-trapped the place before the nice men in white coats took him away.  Remember, step exactly where I do!

Now, sit yourself in the red chair – that one's safe.  As is this black one.  The bomb squad removed the anti-personnel mines the other day.  I don't know about the other chairs.  See, the chair didn't explode.  My, but you do look a little pale, Mr Green.  Ha, ha, ha!  Green looking pale … never mind!  Perhaps a stiff brandy is called for.  But only take a sip at first – the brandy is a legacy of the previous owner, and it might be poisoned.  Oh, you're a reformed alcoholic?  Been in A.A. for a while and don't touch alcohol?  Well, then, I won't let the brandy go to waste.  It won't hurt me – I've grown immune to the poison.  Now, then, what can I do for you?

It's about your good wife?  That's the problem, you say?  I don't understand what you mean when you say she mightn't be all that good.  She's a tad naughty?  Oh, she can be bad – very bad?  She has these strong, uncontrollable urges?  For that kind of excitement?  No, I don't know what you mean!  Oh, not to mince words – she's downright  a slut?  Surely not!  She's just a wild animal for new blood?  And you think last night that she and Luigi ….

Mr Green, never!  You don't have a thing to worry about in that regard.  Let me most earnestly reassure you that Luigi is an upstanding vampire.  And a respectable one at that!  He never gets down and dirty.  Oh, no, no, no!   Not Luigi!

Oh, you're so relieved to hear it that you might jump off the wagon, just this once?  Yes, I did say vampire.  A respectable one!  Of course your lady wife wouldn't have given him the wrong idea.  He's most understanding!  Yes, indeed, he does sound like a real gentleman.  Oh, all this has made you a tad thirsty?  Perhaps you'll risk a tiny drop for the road?  Of course!

But talking about risk, it's most certainly not Luigi you have to worry about in regards to your gracious lady.  Yes, I do understand that you were pulling my leg about her having strong urges.  I'm sure she is the salt of the earth, Mr Green.  But therein lies a possible problem.  Luigi's brother, Alfonso has these uncontrollable urges for down-to-earth women.  It's said that he prowls around the neighbourhood at about this time in the evenings looking for hidden talent, if you get my meaning.  New talent!  He's incredible at finding it.  A real ladies' man is our Alfonso.  He's, oh, so very smooth!  The score sheet he keeps would make Casanova look like a choirboy.  A eunuch, even!  And what's more ….Hello, are those wild animal moans I hear coming from you place.  Mr Green, I'm sure that slut's not at it again.  You'll throttle that bastard Alfonso if you catch them at it?

Damn, he forgot about being careful down the passage – I hope he didn't mess up the fresh paint on the walls.  Bugger it; he forgot to shut the front door!  But I must borrow a cup of sugar sometime when he's not home.  I'll tell Mrs Green my name is Alfonso.

See also

Fireside 10: Goodbye and Hello