Husband-smothered

I don't know how couples in retirement do it. I really don't. How do you go from seeing each other after a long day at work to seeing each other constantly?

This month has been a huge test for me. My husband, who is usually out of the house working has been at home. And that is the path he has chosen for himself for the time being until he decides to find another job.

But the problem lies in the fact that my plans have not changed. I still have a writing class with deadlines to meet. I still have the book I'm writing, along with a couple of other writing projects. I still have my support group meetings to go to.

And now it seems, I also have another job....babysitter.

It seems that this new job is slowly taking over my other jobs, and that just isn't going to work. I find myself picking up after him all day, because he has ADD and starts things without finishing them. He is always losing things, and I am the one who must find them for him. My daily walk, in which I enjoy my quiet time has now become a walk for two in which there is no quiet time, but a long summarization of what bills are due and what's for dinner.

To put it simply...he is smothering me. I come into the office and try to write, and he is constantly interrupting, despite the "DO NOT DISTURB" sign I posted on the door. Aside from that, he is always saying things to make me feel bad because I do not go everywhere with him or watch television all day with him.

Today he left on a short trip to Ohio to visit a cousin. He wanted me to go, but I was salivating at the thought of time alone. So I got out of it. Since he left, I have read some and I have worked on my book. I walked for two miles, and I have just been enjoying the day. I can actually hear myself think!

When he returns next week, something has go to give. He needs to get back to work

Anyone hiring??

(Am I being selfish? I do wonder about that too. Perhaps I am just spoiled at having the past moments of solitude that I enjoyed. Perhaps it's unrealistic to even want more.)

Comments: 11

sea gull l. Jun 29, 2006, 3:26pm EDT

well perhaps you need to set limits,something i have a problem with myself..perhaps sit down and write what you need , time on your own and then agree to have time alone by yourselves and time together..sounds simple, probobly not..i watch my rabbits do it all the time-they spend time together then apart, otherwise life is unbareable, good luck!

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Sandy (Site Psychic™) Knauer Jun 29, 2006, 3:34pm EDT

I don't think you are being selfish at all, Cheryl. He might not realize how his presence has affected your routine. I think you should tell him, and understand that you do not have to be his babysitter. You don't have to find his things or pick up after him. He's a big boy.

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Cheryl W. Jun 29, 2006, 3:38pm EDT

Sigalet....good thoughts. i will have to try them out. Its all about compromise.

Sandy...I know I don't have to do those things for him. I do them out of selfishness, actually. Because I know he will keep bugging me until whatever he has lost is found. As far as the stuff he leaves lying ...I do try and ignore unless it becomes hazardous..lol

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Mary M. Alward Jun 29, 2006, 3:41pm EDT

Cheryl, I certainly understand where you're coming from. My hubby had three heart attacks in 2000 and a triple bypass in 2001. He was not able to return to work. Our income decreased substantially and he was underfoot 24 hours a day.

I realized I should be thankful that his health had improved and that he had survived. However, I needed privacy. I was used to being home all day until 3pm when I went to pick up the grandsons from school. We had two cars. Because of the decrease in income, we had to sell one of them.

I kept my sanity by giving him certain chores to do around the house. When I am writing web content, he is responsible for the dinner and dishes. He runs errands, pays bills and other things that I had always done. That gave me more time to write. However, he still interrupts me when I'm writing. He'll come into my office to tell me some silly thing the neighbor said or something that was on tv. Then he wonders why I don't listen because I'm completely absorbed in my writing task. I usually stay up very late to get my piece and quiet. Otherwise I'd be going out of my mind.

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Bonnie C. Jun 29, 2006, 4:45pm EDT

I dont think that you are being selfish. I go crazy when my husband is home from work. I actually dred it sometimes. I feel that everyone needs to have some alone time. Being married doesnt mean that you have to be attached at the hip. I am currently raising 5 children, 2 of which are ADHD. I know how hard it is to deal with and especially hard when it is not your own child. Raising children with ADHD or ADD have to be constantly monitored and require alot of attention. Enjoy your time while he is away but try and make him a project also. Take some time to spend with him during the time he is home, like maybe having lunch together. I dont know the exact solution for you. Its just a suggestion. Have A GREAT day!

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Cheryl W. Jun 29, 2006, 9:14pm EDT

Mary and Bonnie. ....thank you for your comments. Its nice to know I'm not the only one who has had these feelings. And thank you for the great suggestions too!

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John F Walter Jun 29, 2006, 9:44pm EDT

Negotiate, my dear. Rules are meant to be negotiated, even after many years of marriage. You're a writer; it's okay to be selfish, after so many years of selflessness.
Please read Tillie Olsen's SILENCES.

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