To All Wives

Wekk saud

A primer for a successful marriage. It sounds so easy..........

Cheryl, truly I want to print this out and hand it to the first hundred married women I meet. I know my bohemian feminist friends in San Francisco, Los Angeles and New York would totally disagree with this and lambaste me for dragging us headlong into the past with advocacy of traditional 'femal roles', my Mom would love these bullets and Ann Landers would pat you on the back. Woman's evolving definition of self doesn't mean she has to be a Superwoman as you put it in the home. And the lines about mind reading and respect are invaluable, and show you really understand male psychology. I've already quoted them to my wife, though I didn't read her mind properly and she splashed water all over me a moment later!

I'm not a good mind reader that's for sure. It's like that both ways at times isn't it?

Respect goes both ways. It goes a long way in any relationship.

I'm reading a help meet book and It is very hard to be all we are supposed to be but I DO believe in it. What your article says is true and if more of us wives followed it we would find greater happiness. Doesn't mean we don't have a voice or that he is always right... It just means we understand he is the man in the house and we want it that way, and we believe it is supposed to be that way. Great Article Hard to do at times but worth the results.

Yes, many of these are interchangeable, especially the respect part. And its so true that a wife can be this way and still have a voice. I don't see it as being subserviant. I believe men and women are equal but each have different roles in a marriage. One is no more important than the other.

Thanks for sharing these things Cheryl. Lots of good advice...just wish it was as simple as it sounds. Every relationship takes committment on both parts, and working, and sharing with one another.

wonderful article:) so true:)

What I most agree with here is the respect. Respect your husband. Respect yourself. Expect to be respected. And I like the part about letting him know what you need and then let him fulfill that need if he wants to and can. Thank you, Cheryl. This is a lovely piece. .

I can't believe the amount of garbage replies here. "God made you to be a helpmate to your husband"?! You owe your husband sex? How disgustingly repusive. Relationships are about equality and respect. I hope your children didn't absorb your lack of self worth. What I find most fascinating is the number of people who replied to this who have also been guilty of critiquing those horrible "islam women". Dear god.

Cat....I beg to differ with you. Honoring your husband, being a helpmate, and being a sexual partner to him does in no way convey a "lack of self-worth". I agree that relationships are about equality and respect. But equal does not mean that we have the same roles to play. Having different roles does not mean one is more important than the other. I hope that my children have absorbed this concept of relationships.

I find myself ruffling my brow with what I consider outlandish responses from some. If this is how so many think no wonder so many marriages are failing. My thought is then why are you married. If you can't or won't share then what are you doing together.

Dah!
Good write, Cheryl.

Spencer, amazing that you know nothing about me or my context and yet you've already decided I'm the reason for failing marriages around the country.

Cheryl, tell me all about this equality, in earnest I want to know. Is your husband expected to service you sexually even if he is opposed? Is he your "help mate"? Is he expected to clarify his messages since you're not a mindreader? Is he expected to let you "be a woman" and not be controlling? Are you allowed to "look somewhere else" if your husband doesn't put out?

Why is this directed towards women? You made the distinction and I'm calling you on it.

Cat,
I want to respond to your comments because I think I understand where you're coming from and there was a time in my life when I think I would have responded much like you. First of all, let me say, that I do not feel I must be subservient to my husband. However, I do feel that I am his helpmate and he is my helpmate. We take care of each other in our own ways. We really do. We share our roles in whatever ways makes most sense to us. I do a lot of the more historically "feminine" work right now such as cooking and cleaning. I am also responsible (by my own choice) for taking care of the yard and doing all the grilling. I like these chores (except cleaning) and my husband doesn't. However, he is building our house almost single handedly right now and works harder than I do and I absolutely love him for it. And when the house is done, I'll be cooking and he'll be doing the dishes. He's the one who offerred that and I'm going to accept that offer.
I do expect him to clarify his messages if I don't understand. And he does clarify when I ask him to. As far as sexual partnership, everybody needs to find what works best for them but I think the key is respect for each other in this area just like all other areas. Does that mean subservience? Of course not. Does that mean sometimes having sex when one is in the mood and the other not? Yep. Hopefully sex is enjoyable on both sides so this not a problem. Sometimes I cook our meal even when I'm not 100% in the mood and sometimes Steve's not in the mood to work on our house but he does it anyway. This is not subservience. Does that make sense?

Perfectly Marcia and I'm appreciative of your well worded reply. So I ask again, Why is this directed at the female in a (presumably) heterosexual relationship?

Cat...this was directed at women because I personally know many wives who will not have sex with their husbands. And the men I speak of are honest, hardworking, good men....not philanderers. Some of these women had their children and just don't see the point in having sex anymore. Other women just decide they are no longer sexual, with absolutely no regard for the man they "love". And the man is left to wonder what to do. Does this happen with men not wanting to have sex too? I'm sure it does. But I don't believe its to the same degree as it is with women. I do not feel a woman must be subservient to her husband. Respect and caring about the other person's wants and needs does not equal subservience in my mind. And to answer your question, my husband does take care of my needs....although they may be different from his. Does he always feel like it? No. But he does it because he loves me and thats what marriage is about. Sometimes we have to give when we don't feel like giving. And I've found that sometimes this is where the greatest reward lies. As far as clarifying messages....Yes..I expect him to do that for me if I don't understand what he is saying. But I think men tend to spit it out more when they have something to say....and need less clarification. And as far as him letting me be the woman so I am not controlling.....he doesn't have to let me be the woman. I ENJOY being the woman. As far as sex....if sex is important to one partner and the other partner knows this but does not "put out"...then I would fully expect the one left in the cold to look somewhere else. I believe the initial infidelity is on the part of the partner who refuses to be sexual with her/his life partner.

Thanks, Spencer. Everyone has a different opinion. Its good to discuss though. I agree with you that marriage is all about sharing. Without sharing...what's the point?

Cheryl, when you put it that way I can respect your beliefs on the issue as they may apply to a demographic, which is not to say that I fully agree with them. However I truly wish you had addressed this to that specific group of women and had not decided to separate your articles by gender. I find that generalizations based on sex may be true in a stereotypical sense but don't apply across the board and are rarely fair.

Well written article Cheryl....I read it from my position as a husband(no offense) and will have to give it some further thought. 30 years married to the same woman and she still excites me....hmmm....she or we...must be doing something right...

Nice article, although I will say that the paragraph on sex in a marriage made me gag. Like so many people have said, it goes both ways. "Do you really blame him?" you asked...yeah. If a man goes to another woman for sex without bringing up or trying to fix what is wrong, yeah. I definitely blame him. Men need to start thinking with the larger of their two heads.

Cheryl, I can't find fault with anything in this article. It's a sad fact of life, but if you don't pay attention to your mate and respect him and make him feel desirable, someone else will. I would add making some cookies now and then too :-) My husband works really hard at renovating the house and I re-pay his efforts by cooking special meals for our family. Sure, it's the traditional breakdown of martial responsiblities and I was raised in women's lib times, but, hey, it works for us.

Corina, I agree with you that couple should always seek to fix what is wrong in their marriage. I in no way meant to imply otherwise. Its just that I personally know of several circumstances where the man has been very upfront with his wife about the lack of sex in their relationship, and the woman has no inclination to make it better...simply because it is not something that she misses. There have also been several magazine articles and new reports regarding this very thing, stating that it is a growing problem within marriages.

I'll confess I'm a woman who got married for the sex as well! My husband is less into it,but we have found the compromise! I can't blame him he works ridiculous hours and then spends so much time deployed it's insane!!! I LOVE MY HUBBY!!!!! Compromise,laughter and God will keep you going.