Pope Benedict XVI: Goodbye, Your Eminence

Pope Benedict XVI to Gather

GOODBYE, YOUR EMINENCE

Yes, Holy Father, I do realize how disappointed you are.  Of course you wanted to write your very first Gather article all by yourself!  But you've got it from a Higher Authority that the Irish Cardinals are at again, plotting against you?  The swine!  Good heavens, they've allied themselves with those damned Scots and wretched Welsh ones as well?  A Celtic conspiracy, Your Holiness!  It's even worse than that?  They've roped in the Russian and Greek Orthodox Churches, too?  And dozy George W. is also involved?  He thinks that the Da Vinci Code is connected to you and WMDs, but he's winning the war anyway?

Yes, Holy Father, you'd best rush off in the Batmobile - sorry,  I mean, Popemobile – and nip it all in the butt – I mean bud.  Ah, yes, mass excommunications sound the ticket!  But not George W.?  You're going to make him a Papal Knight.  Yes, that'll fix him!  It'll really set the cat among the pigeons in the Bible belt!  Ha, ha, ha!  Give them hell, Your Holiness!  Yes, on a silver platter.  Don't fret about the article.  Sister Verity and I will draft it for you.  Yes, that's why you've just now made me a Cardinal.  Goodbye, drive carefully.  Yes, right over the ungrateful buggers, if you see them.

Thank God he's gone, Sister Verity!  Old Joe is getting paranoid.  But as least for a goodly while we won't have to listen to him singing, 'Lift that barge, tote that drunken bale.'  Now, why don't you sit here at the keyboard and do as I dictate.  Ha, ha, ha!  As if I would, Sister!  Well, at least not before you've locked the door.  May I call you, Verity?  And there's no need to address me as, Your Eminence.  I think YE will do nicely when we're all alone as we are now.  Ye who must be obeyed, you say?  Ha, ha, ha!  You do have a wicked sense of humour, Verity.

Congratulations on my elevation to the scarlet?  Why, thank you.  My, what big … big eyes you've got.  Yes, by golly, I'm now a prince of the Church.  I suppose it does make me a sort of scarlet prince charming.  What's that?  You have those kind of dreams about prince charmings, do you?  Only the scarlet ones, eh?  And now you're feeling quite flushed?  Yes, I can see that you're all hot and bothered and probably turgid.  Then why don't you lock the door and slip into something more comfortable?  There's a clean, white shirt in the bathroom.  I've kept it there for a rainy day.  Ha, ha, ha!  Yes, Verity, it must be bucketing down outside – and in the middle of summer.  Yes, fancy that!  Now off you go and slip into that shirt.  Lock the door first!  Oh, my word is your command?  You're but a toiler in the vineyard?  Yes, it's almost time for toiling!  Now off you go!  Don't be long!

Now, while she's doing that, I'll sign into Gather.  Hmm … username?  Holy Joe it is!  Password?  Joseph … what was it?  Ah, of course, 9X9 – near enough to his age.  Damn, why is it taking so long to load?  Well, nothing for it but out with the rosary beads while I'm waiting.  I'll pray for the conversion of George W.  Oh, what the hell, Cheney and Rumsfeld as well!  We converted Russia, so the Axis of Evil should be a snap.  Come to think of it, such is a lost cause.  I'd better ask Saint Jude to intercede.  'Hail Mary ….'

Oh, Verity, you gave me quite a start breathing into my ear like that.  Oh, you can do much more than that?  Step back and let me look at you.  Wow!  You do things to that shirt I could never do.  Yes, of course it's too hot for a bra!  No, no, no, the shirt's not too loose!  Never!  Should you do up the top buttons because I might see things that'd shock me?  My dear, Verity, don't you dare!  I'm unshockable.  And very broadminded!  Not to mention most forgiving.  But I don't want you passing out with the heat.  Why don't you undo the other buttons as well?  What would I do if you passed out?  Mouth-to-mouth resuscitation – for a start.  But I'll teach you that anyway, in a moment.  After the buttons!  Oh, you've always wanted to be a mother superior?  In the missions, with all those half-naked savages with smooth, oiled skins?  You could teach them the superiority of the missionary method?  Well, mother superior, about those buttons.

I might undo mine as well – it is so damned hot in here.  Unless, of course, that would shock you.  Oh, nothing I do would shock you?  You've dreamt about me in the heat of the night?  And it's your pleasure to obey?  You took the vow of obedience, did you?  But you had your fingers crossed for all the others?  Yes, that was naughty.  Ha, ha, ha!  Yes, I'm sure God wouldn't have minded very much.  He's got a sense of humour, and it was only the most trifling of venial sins.

Oh, good!  Those bothersome buttons are all undone.  And you'll just sit on my lap and lean over that keyboard and just hang free in the cooling air?  What a splendid idea!  Yes, I'll think of a penance.  Thought of it right now!  What about Gather?  To hell with it!  Just switch off the damn computer and I'll get to the heart of the matter.  Yes, I mean heat of the matter!  And, yes, Joe can write his own damned article. 

Well, you're back at last, Holy Father.  Ah, you damned them all to hell, did you?  And George as well?  You're right!  We have to maintain the highest of standards for Papal Knights.  Indeed we do.  I was most upstanding a while ago myself!  Isn't that so, Sister Verity?  I mean, Mother.  Yes, I'll see you a bit later – we'll just go through all that again.  Yes, goodbye to you, too.

Sorry, Joe!  We were really hard at it – no effort spared!  But we couldn't draft your article.  Yes, it is disappointing.  But the computer crashed.  That's why it's on the floor.  It somehow got in the way of gathering.  But I'll have a bigger and better one sent to you so that you can write your very first bull for Gather.  What?  That's why I'm now not a cardinal anymore?  Oh!  Well then, Joe, I'll leave you to it.  Mind the keyboard, it's a bit sweaty.  I'll go and share my disappointment with Sister Verity.  Then I'll pop in on Sister Virginia – I've a shirt she might like to try on.  Then I'll teacher her all about the missions.  Yes, goodbye!

See also:

 Pope Benedict XVI to Gather: Registration

 Pope Benedict XVI to Gather - Profile