Fireside 5: Stew

Fireside 5: Stew

Hi, it's you again!  I haven't seen you for such a long time.  Don't stand outside - these autumn nights are so damn chilly.  You'll catch your death out there.  Why not die inside?  Ha, ha, ha!  Just joking, just joking!  Yes, it is a lovely full moon.  No, vampires don't prefer to hunt by moonlight.   We hunt anytime.  Ha, ha, ha!  Don't back away down the driveway - you never know what's lurking in the shadows of that tree right behind you.  Muggers?  You should be so lucky!

No, that's not a dog howling.  Probably the nutcase down the road.  He's a werewolf.  Luigi hunts at night when the moon is full.  The cops chalk them up as missing persons when they don't find the bodies.  Luigi probably plants them in the backyard.  He's got such a lush garden now that it's the talk of the neighbourhood.  If only they knew about the fertilizer!  Ha, ha, ha!  But he grows great veggies, and always gives me some.

What's that stench?  Oh, it's the stew bubbling in the kitchen.  Full of Luigi's secret herbs and spices and meaty things you don't want to know about.  No, trust me, you don't want to know!  Don't ask again!  Come inside and try some of the stew.  I'll guarantee you've never tasted anything like it.  Ha, ha, ha!  It'll drive you wild.

Oh, you feel sick?  No, I wouldn't want you to spew on the floor.  Best you get in the car and drive home straight away?  I guess so.  But why not pop in on Dr Jeckle just down the road?  Oh, you don't trust doctors?  Neither do I!  Can't rely upon them not to tell the cops about my strange cravings.  Yes, goodbye to you, too!  Oh, make sure you lock the car doors.  It'll give you a fighting chance with Luigi on the loose.  Not much of a chance, but a fighting one all the same.  Though it probably wouldn't hurt as much if you didn't struggle.  Clean and quick!

Damn, I do wish people wouldn't spin the wheel in the driveway.  Hmmn, obviously doesn't like stew.  Can't be Irish!  Some people are just so damned strange.

see also

Fireside 4: Roast