One of the apparent benefits of spending $20 on a journal (aside from the fact that it's completely recycled paper and the cover is made from used saris) is that I've actually managed to get some quite decent self-reflection in, which has been fairly lacking of late, despite my occasional barrage of self-realizations. Over the past couple of days, I've found myself puzzling over the question of ego, after reading (and then re-reading) an amazing article in this month's Yoga Journal in which the author explains that the problem of ego is not the ego itself, but our insistence on creating and holding onto these things we believe ourselves to be, which are, in essence, false selves. This concept of ahamkara (meaning "the I maker") which convinces us through our experiences that we are this or that thing, that this is who we are and all that we are.
We define ourselves in so many ways, by our work, by our beliefs, even our adamant refusal to define ourselves is, in its essence, a definition. And whenever life throws us into a situation that goes against this notion we have of who we are, we get uncomfortable or stressed. When we are in a situation that confirms it, we feel happy. It's been interesting to note these things in my own life. I find myself defining "me" on so many levels—I'm a designer, I'm a GOOD designer, I'm a business owner, I'm beautiful/sexy/smart, etc. and while I'm sure there are many who would agree with me on those things (and I'm imagining those who wouldn't), it's my attachment to those things as fundamentally shaping who I am that ends up causing me stress.
I believe I am beautiful—therefore I find myself unconsciously checking the mirror and being pleased if I see evidence of this and being unhappy when I see anything that might resemble a normal human flaw. I believe I am a good designer, therefore I feel happy when people pay me what I'm worth and I get insulted when people (many of whom have never had to deal with purchasing professional design services, and who often just need some education) can't seem to grasp why their logo has to cost so much. I believe I am smart, therefore I jump up and down when I learn something new, and I get miserable when I learn that I don't know something.
I'm not saying that any of these things are invalid, or that I'm wrong in striving to do my best/be my best, etc. What I am wondering here is simply this: is our life meant to be defined by the relentless pursuit of perfection, especially the incredibly limited perception of perfection that most of us have? Are we really helping ourselves grow by pushing ourselves into ever-more narrowly defined roles, even when we claim that we are not bound by such things? I know so many people who claim "I don't do labels, I just am" but even that statement pushes you into a box. Whenever you are faced with the task of putting a name to something that directly affects your life, be it a relationship or simply what's bothering you that day, you get nervous and run away from it instead of just understanding and accepting it for what it is and allowing it to exist. Or worse (something I am finding myself inclined to), you start defining yourself in terms of broad things—I am a designer, I am hot/sexy/what-have-you—and suddenly, that's all you are. Your sole focus is on being that thing, and when some evidence comes to light that suggests even slightly that you aren't that thing, your whole world starts feeling out of balance. This is what happens, I think, when women start getting older and "losing their beauty," as they say. This, of course, is complete bullshit—nobody ever really LOSES their beauty—but the fact that their image has shifted from this perfect youth that they've defined as themselves throws their world out of balance and makes them question again and again—who am I, if not this beautiful person I thought I was?
Yesterday, while trying not to stress myself out completely over a seemingly impossible deadline, I started doing a meditation mentioned in the article as I cut and pasted all 86 pages of the project I was working on together. I focused on my breath, which was slow and calm and full, and I thought the phrase "I am" to myself. Not "I am Dani" or "I am in the middle of a project" or "I am a designer," just "I am." And as I allowed all the various things I have decided myself to be to float into and leave my brain, I can't say I was magically cured of my ego, but I did feel a sense of calm, like I didn't have to be defined by these things I decide to call myself. I could just exist as part of the vastness of all that is.
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Comments: 34
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I love journals...books with blank pages. It was worth every penny. I have a blank book obsession if you will.
You directly address the human condition and deal with it in a spiritual fashion. I was confronted today with the "losing the beauty" shift when a parent sent me of photo of myself taken last night during my childrens' chorus program. I was shocked by my aging image while her caption claimed "Mrs. Hersh with her beautiful smile"
Your article's ending says it ALL..." I could just exist as part of the vastness of all that is."
I hope to keep that in mind as I move toward the everlasting light.
i agree with what you say - so true!! and i always think of I/R theory - the identity is different from the roles that people play. so many people identify themselves with their roles - mom, wife, daughter, professor, book club friend, etc...and not their true SELVES - which is harder to uncover, and live and breathe through.
excellent writing!!
" We define ourselves in so many ways, by our work, by our beliefs, even our adamant refusal to define ourselves is, in its essence, a definition. "
You pack a lot of philosophy into this sentence. I would add that if ego really is our sense of self, it is important to identify how much of our self is defined by forces other than ourselves.
In the America of 2006 far too many of us are told who we are by the marketing of every single item that defines our existence. One of the oldest marketing cliches is, " perception is reality".
Very few products fill an actual need. Most products have a manufactured demand attached to them. Marketing firms exist to convince us that we want and need things we really don't.
Successful marketing actually changes how we perceive ourselves. We begin to doubt how we view ourselves. If freedom from ego is the goal, outside influences that manipulate ego cannot be ignored.
Good article, it made me think.
Thank you for your insightful comments. As someone who helps businesses market themselves and their products (I'm a graphic and Web designer), I know all too well some of the ways that marketing manipulates the public into thinking they need to have something they don't really need.
You can takes a persons money, but you can always give it back-someway somehow, but when you take a persons time that is something that can never be replaced.
Happy Unbirthday and Best regards,
http://joelsamuel.neptune.com
I recieve nothing for all these flagrant acts at my self promotion.
The Mad hatter..
Forging Ego towards equals (egaux in french)
Merging I lands in 2 continents to heal and feel better.
Those are great ideas—I'll have to check them out. Nathan, thanks for recommending the talk by Gil Fronsdale. I'll look it up soon.
Consider this simple truth, when you meet someone: Instead of saying "I am Dani," say "My name is Dani." It was a simple "trick" one of my Teachers shared, many moons ago.
Namaste
I'm glad you enjoyed my article. I like that "trick" you mention. I'll definitely try it sometime.
It is true that a healthy ego can be the key to a lot of things in life—it helps protect you against unfair treatment, and can often point you to the better decisions you'll make in your life. This only works, however, when we are comfortable knowing and being our authentic selves. Too often our ego tricks us into being something less than who we really are, either because we want people to see us a certain way, or because we're so focused on being SOMETHING that we'll take anything we can get. This is what I'm talking about here—the things we tell ourselves we are instead of listening to ourselves and figuring out who we REALLY are.