I wanted to share some of my thoughts with the readers of my book tohelp them understand and gain more insight into my way of thinking and writing. The prose or poems written here are basically my thoughts put into words. I try to express myself through my writing. Some of the work is unusual to say the least, but this is how my mind works. I was diagnosed with mental illness at the age of 13, and some years later they diagnosed me as having bi-polar disorder. I began writing down my thoughts when I was 10 years old, creating stories and even being published in a school newspaper at the age of 11.
My purpose in having this book published was to let others who struggle with life on a daily basis (whether or not they have a mental illness) know that they are not alone. When I write my poetry, I have no control over what the outcome is. I just don?t sit down and think about what to write; I write down the thoughts I have in my head exactly as they come to me, and that?s what I call a poem or prose. Each one is different and pertains to the mood I am in at the moment. Perhaps I?m thinking back in time to a bad or good experience and I write about it. At times I can look at an object or a scenario and my mind creates a poem.
So far in my lifetime, I have been in many situations that have taught me hard life lessons. Yes, I have had quite a few bad experiences, and as you can see in some of the work, I have fought and rebelled against love, hope, and fear. But life does go on and I fight every day, to survive. Living with a mental illness is not easy. There are times when my depression gets so deep that I fear I won?t be able to come back out of it. Then there are the times when I become very "manic;" I get on a wonderful "high" and feel as if everything is right with the world. Sometimes I think that I would love to feel this way all the time, but such extreme emotions can be dangerous because they can lead to severe impulsiveness, and not thinking about what risks one may be taking. I?m thankful that I have the rationale to know what to do when I am in either of these extreme modes.I am also thankful for the few great friends I have to help me get through some of the obstacles in life. I believe all my life experiences have taught me many things-how to love, how to give, how to help others, and how to grow both mentally and spiritually. I wouldn?t change who I am or how I am. Life is a gift. I don?t think we choose they type of people we become; rather, it chooses us. Our experiences, our hopes our desires, what we do every day and in every moment of our lives make us who we are. Of course,we are shaped by circumstances and conditions. What time you get up in the morning, where you work, the people you associate with, the way you are raised, who you allow to come into your life-all of these affect us. But these parameters were all set long ago, by a power greater than us humans. Whether we choose one direction or another, it?s the way it was (and is) supposed to be. Some call this "destiny"; I call it "The Path." From the day we come onto this earth, the destination of who we will become begins. Life is a series of lessons taught; we learn from our experiences as humans. We are all individuals. Some of us go through life experiencing much more than others, but what doesn?t kill us makes us stronger. I firmly believe that the people who are forced to go through tough experiences from the beginning of life to the end of it are the ones who get the full meaning of what life is all about. As I have said, I am a survivor of many bad experiences-rape, incest, mental illness, and to top it off I was adopted as in infant. But I?m still here, surviving, taking many things in stride. I thank my lucky stars that I have developed the inner strength to overcome any obstacle. My purpose in life is to help others get through life and to teachthem that it can be wonderful. I want to encourage others, who are going through what I have gone through, not to give up hope, and to remind them they are not alone...We all need an outlet. Perhaps some choose the wrong one but that is their destination, their path, their life. At this time I am working on some other books, one of which is called "The Path". It?s a spiritual sort of book explaining my philosophy of life. On the other scope, I am also writing a collection of erotica. For me, writing words and forming sentences is my drink, my drug, my passion, my medicine.
Cover of my book
Imagine waking up one day, as I did once, and realizing that life is still in full swing, even after your many attempts to take your own life. Imagine drifting through life on a roller coaster ride, not knowing if or when the car will ever stop. The answers you seek within yourself cannot be clearly articulated in mere words, but they slowly shape themselves into thoughts as you try to capture them on the page. Imagine not having the vocabulary or the means to express yourself. Reality, for such a person, can be a hard concept to swallow, but I face it each and every day. Often I find myself asking, ?Why am I still here?? The reality of my constant struggle sets in and I often wonder too, ?Does anyone else feel this way?? My strength and stubbornness to persevere are sometimes blessings in disguise. In fact, they prompted me to write this book as a means of explaining myself and my many moods. The poems here are my reflections, as I think about life in the context of where I have been and where I am going. They are what keep me alive!