by Molly Pockets
Member since:
April 11, 2006

A Trio of Horse Haikus

May 29, 2006 11:23 PM UTC
views: 0 | comments: 18

My first haikus!  Honest critique, please...but bear in mind it's my first try! 
Anyway, from what I hear, it's best to write about what you know, so...

 

Hoofbeats and heartbeats,

Two become one, together,

Rhythmically pounding.

--------

Velvet soft muzzle,

Whiskers twitch curiously,

Probing lips seek treats.

-------

Grazing in green grass,

Tall weeds hiding wild flowers,

Pollen on his nose.

Comments: 18

Molly Pockets May 29, 2006, 11:36pm UTC
I was thinking about the third one... Maybe it would be better as:

Grazing in green grass,

Tall weeds hiding buttercups,

Dusty yellow nose.


I can't decide, though. This is hard!
Molly Pockets May 30, 2006, 12:48am UTC
Cindy - Thanks! :)

Terry - I'm not sure I have any idea what you're talking about, but I'll take it as a compliment ;-)
Remember, I'm brand new at this whole poetry thing, so feel free to talk down to me! I'm looking for some honest to goodness pointers, so have at it!
manoj sanyal May 30, 2006, 3:22am UTC
Excellent series of haiku .. liked reading.
Molly Pockets May 30, 2006, 2:35pm UTC
Ooh, I think I see what you mean, Terry! Thank you for clarifying. I don't know much at all about haikus, so that was enlightening :)

Thanks Ed! That means a lot coming from you!
Cheryl W. May 30, 2006, 2:44pm UTC
Just beautiful. I love the images. I felt like I was right there in the field watching them.
gillena cox May 30, 2006, 4:40pm UTC
i like your version 2 of the third haiku which reads 'dusty yellow nose'; in this version there is more colour and a more balance; the green grass and yes we know it pollen without it being stated; i think haiku readers like to figure out bit and peices of a moment, like looking at a photo then squinting and taking a closer look trying to see all the muted areas
Molly Pockets May 30, 2006, 4:41pm UTC
Thanks Cheryl!

And Gillena, I think you're right. It's fairly easy to tell the 'yellow dust' is pollen...so I think I like version two better, as well. Thanks for the input!
Mariana T. May 30, 2006, 5:17pm UTC
Molly - these are brilliant - listen to your soul when you write -
you have.
Salud!
Low Eye May 30, 2006, 7:52pm UTC
Molly - great start! I think your 2nd try, with buttercups, is better. If I remember correctly, the idea is to suggest a thing without coming out and naming it, which you have done in the first one, I think. The other two feed off the first one. But dusty yellow nose could be a cow, too, I guess. Anyway, a terrific start.
Annina Anton May 30, 2006, 10:17pm UTC
Molly, these are terrific. I agree with others here that the second version of the last one is superior. It paints a strong image. Well done...I can almost smell the sweet scent of your horse. ;-)
Linda Douglas May 31, 2006, 7:33pm UTC
Very nice job. I loved them. I could almost feel the velvety soft nose.
jessie voigts Jun 1, 2006, 12:12am UTC
molly - i, too, liked the 2nd one the best. we love pockets!!
Leah G. Jun 1, 2006, 11:07pm UTC
3rd one is my favorite!
Deborah W. Jun 3, 2006, 9:32pm UTC
Love that third Ku!
Richard M. Oct 25, 2006, 2:47pm UTC
Molly... for a first try these Haikus are terrific as all the other commenters are pointing out. Wonderful effort! I like the 2nd version of the last haiku best, too.
Steven S. Aug 27, 2008, 12:16pm UTC
Very good for the first time! You will only get better. This is a good start.
haikuppotamus ppotamus Mar 2, 2009, 7:22pm UTC
My Dinosaur Your Horse
by Haikuasaurus

six inch bloody teeth
slicing through a leather hide
pollen on my tongue


-snap

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