In two days it will be my husband's last day at his job. He handed in his resignation a month ago during the middle of a manic episode. We had just found out that our home's foundation was suffering from severe water damage, and this was after we had just spent a lot of money renovating it. So that was more than enough to send him over the edge.
I knew it was coming. The moment I heard the contractor tell us the bad news, my first thought was "he going to have an episode." And he did. A big one. Not only did he have a major episode, he also destroyed any chance he had of going back to work for the same place later on. He says things he later regrets during these times.
This week he is suffering with guilt and anxiety over resigning. I knew this was coming as well. You see, it's a pattern. I've lived with it for the past twenty-six years. Through numerous jobs and numerous rants and anxiety driven depressions, I have survived.
Its kind of funny, because this type of thing would totally scare me to death fifteen years ago. I would stress out and worry and get so angry I couldn't see straight. Now, I just take it all in stride. I don't know if that's good or bad. Perhaps I am just falling into my own kind of illness......the one called avoidance.
That used to be my way of coping when I was a young teenage girl living in an abusive, neglectful home. I would always retreat....either into a safe place in my mind or into a quiet place where I could just be alone and pretend my life was "normal". Perhaps that is what I'm doing now. If it is, I know its not healthy. But what is my alternative? And am I strong enough for whatever that alternative might be?
Its going to be a long summer. We have some fun things planned. But between his anxiety and my avoidance, I can't help but wonder how fun they will actually be. Time will tell........