In two days it will be my husband's last day at his job. He handed in his resignation a month ago during the middle of a manic episode. We had just found out that our home's foundation was suffering from severe water damage, and this was after we had just spent a lot of money renovating it. So that was more than enough to send him over the edge.
I knew it was coming. The moment I heard the contractor tell us the bad news, my first thought was "he going to have an episode." And he did. A big one. Not only did he have a major episode, he also destroyed any chance he had of going back to work for the same place later on. He says things he later regrets during these times.
This week he is suffering with guilt and anxiety over resigning. I knew this was coming as well. You see, it's a pattern. I've lived with it for the past twenty-six years. Through numerous jobs and numerous rants and anxiety driven depressions, I have survived.
Its kind of funny, because this type of thing would totally scare me to death fifteen years ago. I would stress out and worry and get so angry I couldn't see straight. Now, I just take it all in stride. I don't know if that's good or bad. Perhaps I am just falling into my own kind of illness......the one called avoidance.
That used to be my way of coping when I was a young teenage girl living in an abusive, neglectful home. I would always retreat....either into a safe place in my mind or into a quiet place where I could just be alone and pretend my life was "normal". Perhaps that is what I'm doing now. If it is, I know its not healthy. But what is my alternative? And am I strong enough for whatever that alternative might be?
Its going to be a long summer. We have some fun things planned. But between his anxiety and my avoidance, I can't help but wonder how fun they will actually be. Time will tell........
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Comments: 28
I grew up with a violently bipolar sister and I now avoid HER as much as possible...
Stay strong
Hannah and Maureen...thank you as well. And yes, my Gather friends are a wonderful support to me. Its almost like a second home.
Molly and Ludolf...thank you
John....I appreciate and need your prayers, so thank you very much.
As you know, I long suspected my late hubby was bipolar. I know those manic phases, followed by the "what have I done" period. I applaud your strength, and for recognizing the illness, not the man, is responsible.I hope he, unlike mine, is on meds.
I don't think your avoiding anything. I think your doing what you have to do to make your marriage work with your husband. I think your a very brave, strong, tender, compassionate person to have stuck it out with him for this long. Most of us, me being one of them, end up alone because they can't find someone as strong as yourself who is willing to do go the distant. Willing to do the work on their end. Which it does take work on your end and you have obviously done more than your share. But I bet you never hear a thank you for it, do you? I'm sorry if that is the case. It's just so amazing to hear about someone staying with a bipolar for 26 years that I'm amazed. You are a goddess as far as I am concerned. I know the kind of hell I have put my family through over the years and I feel so ashamed for it. I'm lucky that they didn't abandon me either. But family is harder to get rid of than a spouse. I'm like that bad penny that keeps showing back up.
Anyway, keep hanging in there. You're doing a terrific job.
Serina....Thank you for your supportive words. I have to say I rarely hear them. I usually hear questions about why I am still with him, and I get accused of being codependent (which I am to a degree). But it really isn't why I stay. I stay because I do love him, and the good times are really good times. And he is a very loving person who has given so much to me over these years. I do wonder at times if I am doing more harm by staying. I think at times if I left, perhaps that would be the incentive he needed to make that decision to face up to his problem and take meds. Thank you for you comment and for opening up as you did. Your honesty was helpful to me. I admire the strength you have for dealing with your depression. I know how difficult it can be. Hang in there, and I will keep you in my prayers.
I ask you only one thing, and that is to take care of yourself, especially during the bad times. Do not allow yourself to become a victim. Please?
my other question is whether you have children together because if you do, this must be very hard on them..
I think i perfectly understand how we tend to seek a relationship that repeats what we know as children..it's not just therapy talk it happens a lot..the big question is how you feel about this? you say he has good sides..well then you just have to weigh the good against the bad..
with me it was mostly the children that helped me decide ,plus he was not only destructive to himself..
if he hurts you in any way i think you should get out..i really do think from the short time i have known you , you probobly have a great capacity for love and i wonder if you should compromise on this ..but then again only YOU know how bad or good things are..there must be support groups for families of bi-polar or any mental problem..if not start one! consult your local mental health association..here they have a self help center..getting together with people that have been through similar issues can be helpful i think..it's a good place to get more support, you should not have to deal with this on your own, or live in denial..it takes too much energy away, so i hope for you to find a place to get that support..and meanwhile you can always write here and i am sure people with rich experiences can help a bit too..
getting a dog really helped me by the way to get that unconditional love and support needed when you have to decide for a change..
sigalet...my husband has been diagnosed. At times he believes it to be true, and at other times he doesn't believe it. He will not take medication, but has bene taking some herbal type things that help to a degree. I do take care of myself. I attend a group for co-dependency and work out at the Y....and walk daily. I also journal a lot. My kids are grown except for my youngest who is 14. They have been affected, I'm sure by their dad's mood swings, but they also know where it comes from.
I've lost more jobs than I can even keep track of now...I always felt bad for my husband having to live with me during those times I was jobless and shot myself in the foot to make myself jobless. I was always good at getting new job offers though. For some reason folks always wanted to hire me pretty quickly.
I've almost gotten fired 3x in the past month...I've got to try hard to keep my nose clean.
Anyway, I feel for you and your long summer ahead. I've been there (as has my husband being the one to have to deal with it)
See here:
http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.jsp?articleId=281474976757161
I'm not bipolar (thank goodness) but I do have depression mixed with anxiety. My grandmother was just diagnosed with being bipolar (at 81!) so I do have family members with it. I have a great doctor though, and my husband goes with me several times per year. :)