An Extreme Obituary

Today is a sad day for the English language. Extreme, a word that has long been associated with sporting activities that are borderline suicidal, died earlier today in a tragic accident. Born in the late 1400s from the root Latin word extremus, he is survived by his grandfather "Cool", his wife "Ultimate" and their two children "Stan" and "Debbie". He is proceeded in death by his great uncle "Groovy" and his father "Awesome".

The official cause of death was listed as a traumatizing head injury that occurred during the act of mountain biking down Mt. Rushmore followed by base jumping from Lincoln's nose onto the top of the Goodyear Blimp and then bungee jumping off the side into an aquarium filled with venomous snakes. Unconfirmed eye witness accounts claim that he was also ironing but this was not mentioned in the official coroner's report.

As is customary with the death of a word, there will be a two week mourning period and then the word will disappear from the English language, never to be used again. Although everyone is saddened by Extreme's untimely passing, many welcome the end to the word's overuse in advertising campaigns to market products specifically for image conscious young adults.

Extreme rose to prominent stature during the mid nineties as listless teenagers became bored with the grunge moment and began to explore new and interesting ways to injure themselves. As more and more people started doing stupid things involving rollerblades, skateboards, and snowboards, Extreme became a household name.

"It all just sort of fell into his lap," his estranged wife said at the press conference following the announcement of his death. "Endorsement offers were coming in faster than we could imagine. Some kids decide to combine fencing and skateboarding, next thing you know it's called Extreme Jousting. He was no longer just a regular adjective; Extreme became a way of life for many people."

When it came to marketing the lifestyle, Extreme proved himself to be "extremely" clever. He quickly realized that although only a small percentage of the population participated in extreme activities, a much larger percentage longed to also be "extreme" in some way. Extreme partnered himself with a great number of products including television shows, video games, deodorants, nutritional supplements, and citrus based carbonated beverages. Even if you weren't a rock climbing, base jumping "extreme" enthusiast, you could still participate by watching them on television or playing the video games. At the very least, you were able smell, eat, or drink "extreme".

Extreme's product endorsements were everywhere, and he became one of the most sought after celebrity spokespersons of the late nineties. It was almost impossible to walk down any aisle of the grocery store without seeing an "extreme" form of some product. As his lifestyle permeated pop culture, Extreme found it more and more difficult to keep up with the culture he created.

"He could never just spend a quiet afternoon reading a book," his wife said as she wiped tears from her face. "He had to read while walking the highwire over pit of crocodiles or swimming with sharks. No matter what he did though, it was never 'extreme' enough to satisty his followers. He set a standard not even he was 'extreme' enough to live up to. It wreaked havoc on his self esteem and he ended up turning to 'extreme' measures to help cope. His 'extreme' self destructive behavior is what ultimately led to our separation last year, and probably had a hand in the accident that led to his death."

Services honoring Extreme will be held this weekend at the site of Evel Kneivel's 1974 Snake River Canyon jump. Visitations will be on Friday and Saturday night from 5pm to 9pm and the funeral will be on Sunday morning. Mourners will be expected to gather at the site at 10am to see Extreme's ashes launched over the canyon in a modified rocketsled. Tony Hawk will preside over the ceremony while shredding the half pipe and attempting a wicked 1080 vertical maneuver, possibly while ironing.