Barbie, Thou Art a Villain

(The Dimmer Switch was recently the subject of a focus group to assess its overall humor capacity. 74% of the participants in the study said they found the content of the Dimmer Switch to be entertaining and humorous in nature. 23% of the participants said that the humor was okay, but felt overall the content was unsophisticated and sophomoric. And as he is customary to receive in every poll no matter what the subject, the final 3% went to Ralph Nader.

While I am happy to receive such high praise from three out of four readers, the goal is 100% humor satisfaction, Nader effect notwithstanding. So in an effort to appeal to the <strike>pinheads</strike> intellectuals who pine for humor of a higher brow, the following column was written in Shakespeare's favored poetic form, iambic pentameter. At least I think it's iambic pentameter; it's been awhile since high school English class.

For the 74% of you that this style does not appeal to, I suggest reading the following column out loud with an English accent. In public. While holding a severed doll's head.)

Vile doll! Polymerized carbon trollop!
Thy plastic fingers strangle my wallet.
Art thou not pleased with thine doll market share?
And yet not so - plat'num haired gold digger,
two aisles of doll sundries at Toys R Us.
Satisfied? Nay! Thou made wretched movies!

Awful movies! Yet my daughter must have,
and I doth watch; sitting in pained torment,
grudgingly viewing retread fairy tales,
each branded anew with Barbie's pink mark.
And each brimming of new product tie ins:
Barbie as a fairy; as a mermaid;
as a princess; as another princess;
and as yet even another princess!
Is her acting range not brilliant? Huzzah!

Barbie Swan Lake? Ponderously awful!
Kelsey Grammar's presence could not redeem,
nor should thou hath tried; what wast thou thinking?
Thou must have needed the money badly,
or owed favors to the lords of Mattel.
Thine turn as the wayward navy captain
in the film Up Periscope is almost,
almost forgivable compared to this.

And now I must sit through Mermaidia,
sequel to Barbie Fairytopia,
and buy all of the new playsets and toys.
I knowest I am not the target mark,
yet I play a vital role in this game:
the financier of my daughter's doll jones.

Though worse I suppose it could be, alas,
blonde pocket pilferer thou mayest be,
thine wares are innocently virtuous,
and doth not corrupt little girls' nature,
as doth the whorishly offensive Bratz.
Mine home those hoochies shalt never enter.

Barbie, for shame! Poorer thou hast made me,
yet favored I remain in daughter's eyes,
as mine own eyes weep from repeat viewings
of your dashed off, CGI tripe filled flicks.
And what news now doth my daughter bring forth?
It's Barbie Live in Fairytopia!
The live action play doth come to our town!
Can we get tickets please? Can we? Can we?

Curse you, plastic woman! Thou hast no soul!