6 Blades of Face Bleeding Technology

I recently found myself in the market for a new razor. It wasn't a planned razor change; I was extremely happy with my previous razor until it unexpectedly offed itself last week in an act of "toilet suicide". I was shocked by its demise since the razor didn't exhibit any warning signs that it was contemplating oblivion, quite different from when my old toothbrush made the Tidy Bowl plunge. Its bristles were pretty ragged and I had previously caught it making a noose out of floss.

As for the razor, I just opened the medicine cabinet one morning and the razor dropped from the shelf, bouncing once off the counter before plunging to its watery grave. I wasn't fully awake yet so my reflexes were too slow to grab the razor before it plunked into the bowl. Even though I was able to fish it out (the damn thing would not flush!), I could not in good conscience use it again on my face. So into the trash it went, and to the razor aisle I went.

When last I ventured down the razor aisle, I left with what was the top of the line model at the time: the Gillette Mach 3. Back then it was the greatest advance in razor technology, but after looking at the current razor choices I realize I have been shaving with an inferior implement. Only 3 blades? Gee Mr. Caveman, why not just scrape a sharpened piece of flint across your face in between mammoth hunts? Since whatever razor I chose would be my regular razor for the next couple of years (barring another suicide attempt), naturally I bought the top of the line, newly introduced, gaudy, six bladed behemoth, Gillette Fusion.

The Fusion has five blades (two better than my antiquated Mach 3), plus one blade on the back. The blade on the back is for "precision cuts" around the mustache and sideburns, which comes in handy since the head of the Fusion is as big as a monkey's fist. But if I remember my razor history correctly, the 70s taught us that shaving with one blade is highly ineffective. Gillette's product designers are obviously aware of this and are hard at work on the next version of the Fusion equipped with a two blades for trimming on the back. It will progress as expected until we eventually have a razor with five blades on both sides, and you'll need to buy a separate razor for shaving.

The Fusion also comes in a battery powered version which contains the latest advancement in micro pulse technology. Micro pulse is a fancy way of saying the razor vibrates. I purchased the powered version because, in my quest for the closest shave ever, I want the option of having my hand tremor like a heroin addict in detox when dragging five blades across my jugular.

I brought my razor home and set out on my maiden shave with Fusion power. I inserted the battery, lathered up, fired up the micro pulses and placed the blade on my skin, cutting myself instantly. I learned quickly that the micro pulses keep the blade in constant motion. Simply holding the vibrating razor against your skin will cause the Fusion to bore a hole into your face. On the plus side, the micro pulses have a numbing effect so you hardly notice the blood loss until the dizziness sets in. By the end of my first session, I figured out how to prevent the bloodletting by exaggerating the shaving motion so it looked like I was playing air guitar with my face.

After my first run with the Fusion, I have to agree that it delivers on its premise as the closest shave ever. Prior to the Fusion, I had never used a razor that was successful in not only removing the facial hair but also my top two layers of skin. In retrospect, I probably could have achieved the same effect using a potato peeler from the kitchen and saved myself twelve dollars.

Despite this initial painful setback, I'm not quite ready to give up on the Fusion yet. For the time being, I've decided to leave the micro pulses in the off position except for when I want to make the razor dance across the bathroom counter. I've found the dancing has helped raise the spirits of my other personal care utensils still reeling from the loss of the previous razor.

And not a moment too soon. My fingernail clippers have been steadily creeping closer to the edge of the medicine cabinet.

(Originally posted to my online humor column, the Dimmer Switch, on 3/21/06.  Link to original article.)