Quest for a Personal Theme Song

I want a theme song, written about me, just for me. My theme song should highlight all of my positive attributes and make no mentions of my flaws. On second thought I have no flaws, so the song should definitely mention that. Lastly, my personal theme song should strike fear into the hearts of my enemies. In other words, my theme song should lie.

My quest for a personal theme song began with the purchase of a new cell phone. My previous phone was a no frills model with a finite set of preloaded rings. Having limited options, I didn't need to worry if the sound emanating from my phone matched the persona I wanted to convey to strangers in my immediate surroundings when I received a call. Whenever I got a call, the phone would just ring. Weird, huh?

The new phone, much to my surprise, came with even fewer preloaded rings than my antiquated one. Apparently I missed out on the creation and permeation of the ringtone industry while waiting out my last cellular contract. With this new phone, I now have the ability to spend even more money so I can download the penultimate ringtone that tells everyone within earshot that not only am I receiving a call, but I also like to get jiggy wit it.

The problem is I don't like to get jiggy wit it, nor would I know what 'it' is that, should I come in contact with 'it', would illicit a jiggy-like response on my part. So that can't be my ringtone. Not to worry, the phone comes preprogrammed with connections to multiple companies peddling thousands of different ringtone options for me to choose from. So I peruse the offerings, listening to samples trying to imagine which one suits me the best.

With each potential theme song I listen to, I begin to realize that whatever song I choose won't be solely mine. After all if I can purchase it, then odds are that someone else has already done so. Therefore my carefully selected, well thought out ringtone has more than likely already been adopted as someone else's personal in-coming call mantra. It turns out I'm not choosing a personalized ringtone at all; I'm purchasing a membership into the 'My Humps' ringtone society, which is hardly what I had in mind. And after a quick perusal of my humps, I doubt that I meet the minimum requirements.

Assuming I do find a suitable song that I am willing to associate with, I have no control over who else might select it. There is the off chance that I could be standing in line at the coffee shop and hear the sound of my carefully selected ringtone, go to answer my phone and, to my surprise, it isn't my phone but the phone of the mouth breathing imbecile in front of me wearing the t-shirt of copyrighted cartoon characters depicting various acts of the kama sutra. Now if my phone rings, and since fate is a fan of cruel irony it probably will, I might as well ask my ringtone compadre if he has a matching t-shirt I can borrow.

So for the time being my phone is set to vibrate until my personalized theme song is finished. Finding a songwriter to pen my theme song has been difficult because of my lack of vaulted status so I am forced to write it myself. Depending on how well it turns out I might go into the personalized theme song business since this is the obvious next progression in the evolution of personal ringtones. Why share a song when you can get one made just for you? It's a shame that only a select few people have access to personalized theme songs while the masses have to do without. Until now if you wanted a personal theme song you had to be a pro wrestler, boxer, or Shaft. I wouldn't recommend either of those careers just to gain a theme song, and there can only be one Shaft.

Unless of course you downloaded the Shaft ringtone. If that's the case then I know someone with a t-shirt you can borrow.

(Originally posted on my online humor column, The Dimmer Switch, on 1/30/06.  Link to original post.)