If I Only Had A Bike

This column originally appeared in What I've Learned So Far...

Ok, I realize that I write a lot about the differences between men and women. That's because there are just so many differences, and most of them are a lot of fun to write about. So get over it.

For instance, the other day I happened to overhear four kids, two boys and two girls, all in about the fifth grade, exchanging fairly typical ten-year-old-kid banter. Suddenly one of the boys shouted at one of the girls, in that universal taunting sing-song that seems to have been genetically hard-wired into every child in the history of the world, "You don't have a peee-nis!"

Without missing a beat, the little girl replied, "Oh yeah? Well, you don't have a bike!"

And there we have it - a perfect illustration of the fundamental gap in priorities between the male and female of our species. And guys, I hate to break it to you, but the girls are way out ahead of us.

You see, men have a pathological tendency to get distracted by things that are completely irrelevant to the situation at hand, while women are more prone to stay focused on things that matter - like their ride home.

For adults, who would presumably have moved beyond chanting about who has what body parts, an obvious example of this might be Sports Fandom. Women can apparently enjoy watching a game, then move on to things that actually affect their lives.

Weird, huh?

On the other hand, men feel the need to embrace any sport they watch in pretty much the same way they approach a foot-long chili cheese dog - with a whole lot more enthusiasm than it probably deserves.

To illustrate the point, my wife and I are both passionate hockey fans, but she can usually go right to sleep after our team drops a game. As for me, I'm still pretty upset about the Red Wings trading Adam Oates for Bernie Federko back in 1989. And don't even get me started on the Tigers and Kyle Farnsworth!

And then there's the actual playing of sports. I have a female friend who likes to play ice hockey. She likes it a lot. When she's on the ice she throws her heart and soul into the game and skates like crazy. Then she touches up her makeup and gets on with her life.

When I skated in a men's hockey league a few years ago, you'd have thought I was playing for an NHL contract extension. I was stupid enough to lay down (I went down on purpose - really I did!) in front of slap shots. I would beat myself to a bruised pulp trying to keep up with bigger, faster, younger, stronger players. I'd try not to limp too much when we headed to our cars after the game, because I didn't want the guys to think I was some kind of pansy.

And if my wife was still awake when I dragged my groaning carcass into the house, she would simply smile, shake her head, then head off to do something useful.

Which brings us - somehow - to our kids and how they approach sports. Next week, we'll talk a bit about youth ice hockey.

Copyright © 2005 Michael Ball