A report from the Cannes film fest otherwise known as the center of the universe.

I just returned from 5 days at Cannes.

I can report that the world is a secure and loving place with good will towards all men women and children. The world is going to be saved by the worlds Actors, Actresses, writers, reporters and film-makers.

I can report that all that is wrong can be squarely laid upon the shoulders of George Bush, Tony Blair, Ronald Reagan and of course any American citizen that disagrees with or has any opinion not totally endorsed by the left. That is the word from the over paid, over sexed, over made-up, over dressed, overly self-important cinema elite. This word is of course coming from the back of their $250,000.00 Maybach cars, their private jets or their $35,000.00 a week suites.

I can report that nothing we hear from anyone is true. That is except Micheal Moore and various others appointed to be the voices of truth by the great and beautiful.

I can report that the center stretch of the red carpet is replaced daily.

I can report that the stars have more security personnel than they do non-paid screaming fans.

I can report that the female topless volleyball team is damn good and should be considered for the next Olympics…summer and winter.

I can report that there is no one alive that can walk, straighten their tie/bra, read a script, talk on their cell phone and check their Blackberry without running into every single other person on the street. It is then mandatory to look at the person you just trampled as if it is their fault and say 'watch the f*** out, ass****', it is after all your fault for not remembering that they are in the process of saving the world.

I can report that a crappy dinner can be had at many very hip places for 3-400 Euros and a crappy wine for about €70.00 a bottle.

I can report that the Cannes cops do know who is buttering their toast and they are very, very nice.

I can report that Cannes has seen its day in the sun and it was years ago.

I can report that they hated the DaVinci Code for 2 reasons, 1. It WILL probably make money and 2. It doesn't try and save the world.

And last but by no means last:

I can report that Paris Hilton is truly a disgusting publicity slut and really not that good looking in person… but they all say she will save the world very, very soon.