In my beautiful past I was(Chiasmus)

Through window seals sunlight rays

Hide and sneaky played

Like refracted sunrays of dawn

Glitter on leaves dew drenched.

Felt love buzz of bees

My Rose flowery mind

Alike moonlit reflection of panorama

Kindle cheery like child.

In my beautiful past I was

In the life sea as an unguided boat

And my journey on turbulence of waves

Controlled by invisible hands remote.

Chiasmus: A balanced pattern of sentence construction in which the main elements are reversed. A Shakespearean example is Love's fire heats water; water cools not love (Sonnet 154).

NOTE:

I could know about this form from Heather T., and her group "RandomRhetoric" as a non member.

This is my first attempt using this form.

Constructive criticism would be appreciated.

Comments: 10

gautami tripathy May 19, 2006, 7:45am EDT

It seems to be a great form. I must tryt this too. But somehow the meaning does not across to me. The sentences seem to be constructed haphazard. Too many adjectives, me thinks! Whatever....I think a little re-work should do the trick!

You may or may not take my suggestions. I am no poet myself!

reply to this comment

manoj sanyal May 19, 2006, 7:55am EDT

Dear Gautami,
Yes, it is an interesting form.
Examples given were simple ... I have intentionally made this complex and tough with longer lines and adjectives. I did it as challenge to myself.
I do have the normal version which I shall post later, may be ( all words are same)
Meaning to me ... very clear in both versions .... you have yo read this pom differently.
Thanks for your reading and comments .... learning has no end.
Best wishes.

reply to this comment

Cheryl W. May 19, 2006, 9:48am EDT

Thank you for sharing this new form. I love learning these things!

reply to this comment

Tarah G. May 19, 2006, 10:19am EDT

it's so great that you've tried a new form. and the ideas are there and good...but the meaning of the poem gets a little lost, as if you spent all your time worrying on the structure. i think this is a good first piece, maybe a little reworking is just what it needs.

cheers to you for trying something new!! =)
thanks for posting!

reply to this comment

Jana B. May 19, 2006, 6:35pm EDT

Heehee. You've certainly taken this device to its extreme, Manoi. Lost got indeed I, trying read it to!

As I've mentioned in some of my posts, chiasmus isn't a form of poetry. It's just a device that poets use once in a while, like metaphor or alliteration. Generally the intent is to give a bit of a twist to the sound and feel of the sentence, not to confound. But your poem is still fun to read, and the pure play of words can certainly be the basis for a poem.

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manoj sanyal May 20, 2006, 1:05am EDT

Thanks dear all for reading.
Yes ... I am also a bit confused.... just tried.
May be I have given twists... more than necessary.
Your comments are helping me to understand this better.
Thanks again.

reply to this comment

Nathan Schauer May 21, 2006, 9:33am EDT

manjo - your work is always interesting because you seem to find the very edge of what is possible and try that. Here the reversals accent the images - I wonder if you can make the lines behave enough to gain some clarity:
Windows close on the sunlight rays.

This is a good experiment with a difficult 'writer move' - sort of like trying to imitate a great basketball player or soccer player 'move' - at first they are difficult but you get better over time.

reply to this comment

manoj sanyal May 21, 2006, 11:25am EDT

Thanks Nathan.
Surely, I shall rework on it sometime ... and make it better.
I sincerely appreciate your comments.Actually, this is a peculiar form , which I presume is more suitable for one liners.
Complicated for reasonable poems with thoughts/feelings.

reply to this comment

Karen Mitchell May 22, 2006, 11:35am EDT

The sounds in this poem are lovely, especially the s's at the beginning. The only part that seems forced is "lost got I". Maybe you could rework that line a bit.

reply to this comment

manoj sanyal May 23, 2006, 1:41am EDT

Thanks Karen,

I have now modified the poem and also changed the title.

Hope, the poem is better now.

reply to this comment

In my beautiful past I was(Chiasmus)

Comments: 10

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