thanks to candida's healing garden for the inspiration
today is the 19th anniversary of my skateboarding accident. i've talked about it before, on gather. i hate to talk about the details - if i talk too much about it, i can't get the visuals out of my mind. even now, i uncomfortably see my dislocated ankle, and feel the details of the situation.
some years, may 16th goes by without notice. the first year after my accident, i was so stressed out that i stayed inside my dorm room all day. i didn't want anything that bad to happen to me again (well, i still don't, but i don't hide out any more).
this year, i have been thinking about it...
maybe because i was reminded of candida's one-year anniversary of her accident. maybe because since i joined gather, i've written out a lot of my feelings and day-to-day activities. it is a habit, now, to reflect in writing. maybe because this year, i will have had more post-accident years in my life than pre-accident. maybe it was because in my wheelchair at the grocery store today, i could not keep up with lillie, who ran and ran and had to be constantly chastised to look where she was going, come closer, stay put. finally, i just put her on my lap while we finished shopping. nothing like an active 3 year old to remind me of my disabilities.
this afternoon, i was looking at the lake and reflecting on the changes that i've gone through in the last 19 years, in regards to pain - physical pain. from mind-bending pain, to soul-searing pain, to constant aching pain...i've had it. when it rains, it gets worse. when i use my foot, it gets worse. at times, you can't even imagine that anyone could live through this pain. yet you do, and things get better (or you get used to them)....right now, the level of pain that i have is the least i have had in 19 years, except when i walk too much. for this, i am so grateful.
most of how i feel about pain and my life can be inferred from photos i took during our kayak ride tonight. you know me and water. everything is about water. i feel most at home in water. i don't have to depend on my feet to carry me. i can be weightless and move faster than i am able to on land. it is pure joy. even when i am not *in* the water, i enjoy looking at it, and being on it. it is soothing, exciting, always changing. it is a moving landscape, better than any man-made entertainment.
what have i learned?
step carefully, like a heron. each step has to be carefully planned and executed. when pain is a constant presence, each step i take is a choice.
family makes me happy. caring for others distracts from the pain. and they hug me when i'm extra crabby, when the pain is too bad. my brother called tonight, remembering when the two of us were there on the road, me screaming and him trying frantically to get help. he makes me happy in so many ways, not the least of which is sharing and remembering hard times as well as good ones.
sometimes what people see is only a reflection of you. it is too difficult to share the real you, when you're sheltering your self from the pain.
every one is different, and everyone's pain is different. you can't ever compare them. just grow toward the sun.
my body might be a little rough around the edges, but i still live and grow in the beauty of life.
sometimes it is best to approach things cautiously. i don't want to ruin what i have managed to retain for myself. i've learned to walk several times over. those victories are hard-won!
it's ok to cry.
when the pain is the worst, the whole world is fuzzy. that's ok.
it's fun to play. it's even more fun to play in the water.
the smallest acts can have the largest ripples.
life is full of ripples. if you can weather them, you've got a good basis for further problems in life.
even though i've been through so much, i am glad to be where i am at right now. if i could go back and erase my accident, would i? not a chance. everything happens for a reason - and i am happy, with ed and lillie. i would never trade them, not for a chance at a pain-free future. who knows, something could have happened the next day (i am very accident-prone), worse. still, an anniversary is a time to reflect, to think of what might have been, and what your reality is today. i am glad i have had these years to find the balance, and to revel in stillness.
copyright 2006, jessica voigts
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Comments: 41
HUGS!!!
thank you for your kind words. your support means more than you would ever know. hugs!
I don't know what living with pain for such a long time would be like.
I am not sure how to comfort you, but you are doing fine I see.
carl - you too, such a compliment! i'll tell princess sea. she'll be elated and put on a fancy dress. :)
chris - thank you! i wish i could describe these photos for you. would that be a good thing? i am not sure of the protocol. maybe you could teach me.
mary - yes, doctors wondered if i would ever walk again. i do. the pain is so hard, it is truly crippling. but worse is the way it has made life hard - adapting, and living with it. i am glad you're proving them wrong!! thanks!
kr - you statuesque guy you. i love reflections, too. somehow, they seem more of the world. thank you!
alice - thank you! yes, those lilliepads are something else, aren't they? i could look at them all day.