Hiding My Heart To Save My Soul

A lot seems to have been written here lately about love and what it means. To me, it is a two-edged sword - pain and pleasure, lust and lament, joy and sorrow.

I love him, but I cannot be with him. My heart aches.

He is gentle and kind, but also rough and thoughtless.

He is full of sweet words of love, but also crass statements that slam the spirit and dull the mind.

He listens to my every word, but never stops talking about himself.

Lovemaking is sensuous, but overtly sexist.

He is beautiful of body, but ugly of mind.

His soul is warm, but his spirit is callous.

I was trapped in this seesaw of dual personalities for eight long years. I tried everything to end it and finally, I told him I'd found another. Nothing short of that would keep him away.

Today, he writes and tells me they've found a black spot in his stomach. A test shows something serious is wrong and may even be fatal.

Again, my heart aches. I long to comfort him. Do I let him languish in his suffering? Or do I risk opening that door again? I am torn. My heart wants to give in, but my mind says NO!

Comments: 11

Linda Douglas May 15, 2006, 5:01pm EDT

Tough decision. Do whatever you will be able to live with in the long run and make sure this is not just another manipulation on his part.

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Martha Jette, Author/Editor May 15, 2006, 5:05pm EDT

Thanks Linda. I thought it might be, but time will tell I guess.

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Ludie Gee May 15, 2006, 6:52pm EDT

Fantastic - you know already what youre going to do. Either way it will be the right thing, but you will always wonder if it was.
Furthermore - he will understand too. I have always gone with my heart - unfortunately, and been wrong many times - however had I it all to do over I would still go with my heart. Best of all... go with your nose!! ;-))) Be strong, thinking of you. "L"

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Edward Nudelman May 15, 2006, 7:31pm EDT

I love your honesty. Of course, only you can answer this question, but from where I sit, a soft, gentle hug, whether in person or on the phone or even in an email can say it all, with few words necessary. That others know we care is what counts. Blessings.

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Ludie Gee May 15, 2006, 7:39pm EDT

Just wrote this Pascal quote somewhere and thought of you:
Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connaît point - Pascal.
Literally: The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of.

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Martha Jette, Author/Editor May 16, 2006, 12:17am EDT

Ludolf: Thank you so much for your kind comments. I find it very difficult to not go with the heart too. But I am trying to be strong, because I know there is someone out there who is much better for me. In fact, he could be right here on Gather. Again, time will tell.

Edward: I did write back to expressed my concern about his welfare and to ask him to keep me updated as to his condition.

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Rick Bettencourt May 16, 2006, 8:16am EDT

Oh Martha...I feel your pain. My partner had a heart attack shortly after we split up. It was incredibly difficult for me - talk about mixed emotions. In the end, do what your spirit tells you. Best wishes.

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Martha Jette, Author/Editor May 16, 2006, 10:56am EDT

Thanks Rick. I truly appreciate your comments.

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Pamela H. May 17, 2006, 12:22pm EDT

Martha, this must be so very hard for you. My only suggestion is to follow your heart, but don't allow it to walk down a road on which it will break.
I know you're very spiritual, listen to that inner voice and trust that you'll be led down the right path.

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