The Dorky Dad Factor

Well, I got a little feedback on that column:

Dear Mr. Funny Guy,

Why, I ought to rip your arm off and beat you with the bloody stump.

Then I ought to use it to illustrate the true meaning of the word, "dork." According to wordorigins.org, popular etymology would have it that this American slang term comes from a word meaning a whale's penis. That is half right...

You no good commie.

Your Friend,

Leslie Merriam-Webster 

Thanks for the information, Mr. Merriam-Webster. But if it's all the same to you, I'd just as soon not know the other half of that definition.

Anyway, every kid who ever lived understands the modern meaning of the word "dork," and we dads are proud to live up to the title. In fact, we actually belong to a secret society dedicated to the perpetual misery of our offspring.

Yes kids, when you were born, we all signed a contract, and agreed to adhere to a strict code of conduct. And now, at great risk to myself, I've decided to bend the rules on the Dorky Dad code of secrecy and share this document with you! 

International Society of Fatherhood
Dedicated Dorky Dad Document

I, _________________, parent of __________________, do solemnly vow that I will humiliate my offspring every time I get the chance. I will achieve this goal by finding every way I can to be a certifiably uncool idiot, moron, doofus, fool, buffoon, clod, clown, and/or dork.

To accomplish this we will:

1. Dress in things your child would never wear. For example, an ensemble consisting of flip-flops, khaki Dockers, a purple Disney World T-Shirt and a green derby with "Kiss Me, I'm Irish" on it should pretty much guarantee deep and permanent emotional scarring.

2. Dress in things your child would be willing to wear. Sagging super-big pants (in my case, super super big) and a No Doubt T-shirt can be powerful trauma-inducing tools.

3. Don't dress at all. Yikes.

4. Use pet names or otherwise show affection for your offspring in public. The word "Honey" used to address a fifteen-year-old boy is a guarantee of at least a decade of psychiatric treatment in the years to come.

5. Drive a "nerdmobile." This would be any car other than the one your kid's best friend's dad, who also owns a condo in Maui, drives.

6. Make it your business to know every item or brand name that kids think is desirable, then buy just the opposite. The ultimate insult would be to buy a teenager clothing or shoes from the dollar store with brand names like "Abercrumby" or "No Balance."

7. Greet your daughter's dates with lines like, "I collect guns and shovels. Guess which one I'll use first if you bring my daughter home late?"

8. Attempt to learn about all the things that interest our offspring, then being sure to get it just a little bit wrong. For example, if they're into extreme sports, tell all their friends that you really admire Tony Hawkeye.

9. Walk up to your child standing with a group of his or her friends and say something like, "What-up, Dawg?" Believe me, talking "street" will sound even dumber when you do it than it does when they do it. 

I further attest and affirm that I will document any new developments in the field of fatherly dorkitude, and that I will share these developments with all other members of the International Society of Fatherhood.

Signed: _________________________    Date: _______

Witnessed: ______________________    Date: _______

So there you have it, kids. The secret of your father's dorkiness is out. Just do me a favor and don't tell anybody where you heard about it.