What if...?

Someone once said that if it was meant to be, then it should definitely happen. This statement refers to karma, fate, even God's will to be done. But what about an unsuccessful effort? Was God's will, then, not done? It may have more to do with poor strategy or limited resources than a lack of spiritual blessing.

You have heard the saying, "you will never have a second opportunity to make a first impression." There may be some regrets for not delivering the best presentation to another human being. Imagine being with a group of people and you want to make a fabulous statement and distinguish yourself from others, but instead out comes the stutter, stammer, and then stop. It could have been much better — you know it could have. Now imagine that that moment changes your life.

During my July 2004 commutation hearing, the chairperson asked what might have happened if, as a teenager, I decided to remain in high school — a private prep school — during my junior and senior years. It's very difficult to reach back almost 40 years and reexamine what turned out to be a major decision and predict the impact of such a change on my current life. But it's safe to say that a prep school and possible ivy-league education may have changed my journey away from the penitentiary. Such intervention could have shattered the negative self-image and provided the impetus to allow God's will to be done.

Yale or jail. People approach similar intersections on their life's journey, and eventually they must determine their own fate. Many adults, as well as our youth, don't realize the full consequences of bad decision making and negative behavior. Most prisoners never would have believed that an arrest was imminent on a particular day or that a lengthy incarceration could follow. I myself never expected to fall into the hole, even though I was staggering down the street with my eyes blinded by a dark sky.

I have become a better person in prison, despite battles against institutional racism and brutality. This has been my domain for 3-1/2 decades, so my growth and development had to occur in this environment. Though the process has not been easy, I am determined to become a better person today than I was yesterday. And, like everyone else who has embarked on a journey of self-improvement, I want to be seen as this new improved me.

Still, most people want to know the details of the 1971 murder. But instead of being known as a teenage killer in an adult body, I want to introduce the more refined and intelligent gentleman that I am now. I don't want to deceive, but I prefer to initiate a positive impression; I want to display family photos while highlighting academic accomplishments and community service.

Luckily more people know me today as I am now and most of my friendships have been formed post-homicide. By writing columns and speaking publicly, more people have access to me. I have disclosed shameful adventures and allowed a close-up glimpse of my life. I hope my experience will serve to deter others from making similar mistakes and that my example will be a lesson of bad decision making by a teenager. It wasn't destined to happen then, and now I try to ensure it won't be repeated by others. God's will be done.

Published on www.edgeboston.com on 02-09-05