Niftamir: Prologue

more, please!

I believe that you've planted a seed that will arouse curiosity and interest among fantasy fans. I'm not one of that group. So please keep that in mind when reading my comments. I may not be qualified to critique this kind of story. However, you've asked for critique so I'll try.

First, when starting to read a serial, I'd like to know how many parts there will be. Is this going to be a novel we'll get one chapter at a time? How many chapters? Etc?

In the first sentence, "Norvegicus's" doesn't need the "s" after the apostrophe. I also found that trying to pronounce this name in my head distracted me from the scene you describe. Others may not have this problem but I think a name easier to pronounce would work better.

Of 19 sentences, 16 begin with "He." It makes for boring reading. For the last four sentences of the first paragraph, you might consider something like: "The once majestic tower, before which he stood, was now crumpled in the heap of ashes. Emitting a sigh which reverberated like thunder in the barren land, he fell to his knees, weeping. He was too late." You might also consider separating that last sentence as a paragraph by itself for emphasis.

A similar rework of the other paragraphs also would reduce the recurring "He" sentences.

In the second paragraph, "rested his weaken body" should be "rested his weakened body."

I hope you find these comments useful and that you get serious critique from others who may be more knowledgeable.

Thank you so much Carl for your comments. I really appreciate it. I will work on those sentences. You are right. I am glad you mentioned my "He" problem. I didn't even realized it. See, that is why I need extra pairs of eyes to read this:) or many more. Thanks a million. About the chapters, I am not sure how many there will be just yet. I am still working on it. Just now, I 'forced' myself to delete the first 30 pages! the work of editing and drafting...

And Jessie, I am working on the first chapter:)

Oh yes, I have a question about the apostrophe after Norvegicus. I agree with Carl that "S" is not needed after the apostrophe but I have been told that I need to have the "S" after the apostrophe. Which one is correct?

Is this your novel? Or a short story?

Mimi, thank you for all your ideas. I want to write a novel and I have the plot in my head... I just have to sit down and write. That is the hardest part... We'll see how my prologue goes first:)

A very helpful book is called "The Marshall Plan for Novel Writing: A 16-Step Program Guaranteed to Take You from Idea to Completed Manuscript" Amazon says -It breaks down the novel-writing process into small, manageable tasks that even the most inexperienced writers can achieve.-
He also produced a Workbook to help writers lay down their "tracks." I think one or both of these books are helpful for writers to get their ideas down in an orderly, organized and forward-moving way.
Of course, once you get your draft down, using a "template" won't take the place of creativity and revisions, but if you're full of great ideas and aren't sure where or how to start, Marshall's books will help.

Thanks a lot, Mimi. I will definitely take a look at Marshall's books.

Very good length for a prologue. Gets me interested in the story and whets my appetite for battles, and kings, and faraway lands withouth giving away much else. Please share more with us, because I am anxious to read the story that goes along with this excellent prologue.

Personally, I am always a little turned off by stories with either hard to pronounce names or names that simply don't roll off my tongue. I would definitely recommend changing "Norvegicus" to something else.

The story reads much better with the redundant "he's" removed. Your sentence structure is still a little redundant. All of these sentences use a similar device:

"The atrocious voice in Norvegicus' head echoed in the dust of fury, of destruction, of emptiness."
"Emitting a howl which reverberated like thunder in the barren land, he fell to his knees, weeping."
"His fingers found the body, lying there, all alone."
"Gently, Norvegicus took him into his arms, wrapped him in a piece of cloth, kissed his mangled body."

Try reading these sentences out loud. You'll start to feel like William Shatner really fast. I did. This isn't a bad way to structure your sentences, you just don't want it to become redundant. Don't be scared to use conjunctions. They really do have a purpose. Using the last sentence I pointed out as an example: "Gently, Norvegicus took him into his arms, wrapped him in a piece of cloth, and kissed his mangled body."

You also asked for us to critique word choice: "...everything crackled under his feet." In a piece of prose where you have used such beautiful, specific, and descriptive words, "everything" seems out of place. It doesn't form a good mental picture in my mind. What is crackling? Plastic wrappers someone threw on the battlefield. How careless of them!

Now this last suggestion is very subjective, so take it or leave it.

"He mustn't be too late..."

Ellipses are overused. Ellipses have a very specific function, indicating an omission, but I'll fudge and use them myself for other purposes--especially in fiction--occasionally. They are often used to express "To be continued..." which does seem to fit with their purpose of indicating an omission.

I just don't feel they are required here. It is a prologue. We expect it to be continued. In this specific case, I believe a simple period would be more dramatic. "He mustn't be too late." Period. Not "turn to the next page quickly" and we'll see him not being late. Just "he can't be late." It's not possible. Make the reader say, "Ah, I'll turn to the next page quickly to see if he makes it in time" rather than ordering the reader to turn the page.

My other subjective comment about this last sentence is the unsightly use of a conjunction. As you'll notice, my comment is full of conjunctions, but my comment is also informal. I always consider a fictional story as formal writing, and conjunctions (outside of dialogue) just distract me from the drama.

My advice is to write your heart out- get 400 double-spaced pages down. Outline the entire story. Write a synopsis. Organize your chapters. Use character worsksheets for your major and minor characters, develop the plot, and subplots, work out your story timeline on paper, add dialog... keep writing until your first draft is done- then worry about editing, revising, rewriting each sentence. Trying to perfect a mere 200 words will become frustrating and may prevent you from getting the other 90,000 words down. In my opinion, this is similar to building a house: you wouldn't start decorating the living room if the rest of the house has yet to be built.

Matthew, thank you for your comments. I truly appreciate it. I will definitely edit this piece. Thanks for pointing out the conjunctions. Boy, I totally missed it! And the ellipses. I'll take your advice on it. Hmmm, two votes against Norvegicus' name. I will have to think about it and might have to come up with a new name.
As to 'everything' crackled under his feet.. Well, in the story later, you will find out that practically everything crackled. I might have to have to do some changes.
Thanks again, Matthew.

Mimi, once again, thanks a million! I will try not to worry too much about this prologue. I will listen to your advice. I will start working on the story line. Thanks again, Mimi. I really appreciate it.

I like the name! The piece seems to be a bit simplistic but then agin it is only my opinion.

Thanks, Donald. Your opinion is very much valued!

Mimi has given you terrific advice. Don't worry so much about the perfect word. Write the story first. The story is the most important thing.

Having said that, and knowing that this is among the most unimportant things in your piece, I still can't help weighing in on the S apostrophe thing. Style books in the US disagree on this, so basically it's up to you. Strunk and White, the book many writers on Gather consider a bible says use Norvegicus's.

In Britain there is no argument. It's Norvegicus's all the way down.

Keep writing. You're doing great.

Thanks, Charles. I am still weighing on the S apostrophe thing. I might put back the apostrophe after I am done:) Thanks agan, Charles for answering that question of mine.