Wedding Day - revised

I originally entered this in the Gather Short Fiction contest.  I have since done some editing to it, and decided to re-publish it here.  I hope you enjoy the changes - or for those new to the story - I hope you enjoy it!

Wedding Day

Today is your wedding day. You are sitting in front of your vanity brushing your long blonde hair. You know that you should be happy, but all you can think about are the recurring dreams.

In the first dream you are feeling very depressed. You are tired of your life. You want to escape and become something totally different from what you are now. The thought of becoming a black woman appeals to you, there is no rhyme or reason to it, but that is what you feel needs to happen.

So it does, as soon as you think about it, just like that, you have become a black woman. You feel relieved to no longer be yourself.  You have hope that as a black woman you will finally find happiness.

You take a moment to realize where you are and what is happening. You are standing at the front of a church.  Your sisters, who turned black with you, are standing around you.  They are wearing typical bridesmaid tacky yellow taffeta dresses with matching satin gloves.

Your sisters are so excited, and they fuss over you to fix your dress, all the while telling you how lucky you are. You feel confused, and then it hits you. You are getting married! You feel excited, and wonder with whom you will be sharing your life?

Then you hear a deep voice.  "Come on baby, let's get movin'!"  You turn to your right to see who is speaking.  It is a large, old, creepy looking white man.  He puffs a cigar and looks at you in a way that makes you want to turn and run.  He rubs the lapel of his brown pin-stripped polyester suit and gives you a wink as he slaps his hand against your bottom.

With that, your sisters promptly run to your left and line up beside you. You feel the need to run away.  Nothing makes sense. But all you can do is look forward.  Why are you here?  Why are your sisters so excited about you marring this man that seems so creepy?

You see the thin black preacher in front of you begin the service, but you cannot understand what he is saying.  It is not that he is not speaking clearly –everyone else seems to understand.  To you, his words run together like a record running backwards.

Through the gibberish of the preacher you soon hear a clear word that comes from the man beside you. "Yes," he says.

Then, very plainly, the preacher asks you, "Do you, Mary, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

You are stunned, and with every ounce of your being you want to say "no, wait, stop . . .."  When you open your mouth what comes out instead is, "With all my heart, I do." You are dumbfounded, yet at the same time paralyzed to do anything to change what you have just said.

Suddenly you find yourself standing at a hotel lobby reception desk.  All you can think is that there is absolutely no way you can ever go to bed with this man. Behind the reception desk is a woman, "Which you would you like, dear?" she asks politely. 

You begin to panic internally.  It is not outwardly noticeable at all, but inside you feel a strong need to do whatever possible to delay going to a room with this man. So you respond to the woman, "I don't know, may I see your wallpaper books?"  It's ridiculous you know, but it is all you can think of to save yourself.

To your great relief, the woman replies, "Why, of course," and reaches below the desk, then brings up a huge dusty book. She flops it on the reception desk, and you, feeling so relieved to have the distraction, begin to nervously flip through the book.

"I don't know honey, which room do you think we should get?" you say to the man that is now your husband, all the while wondering why you called him honey?

"I don't care which room we have! Come on baby!" your husband says to you, as he slaps you on your bottom again, still smoking that smelly cigar. Your revulsion to him is ever increasing.  You continue to flip through the book, thinking if you do not make a decision, you will not have to go to bed with him. Then suddenly you wake up, still feeling nervous and disturbed, a feeling you carry with you all day.

In your second dream, you are sitting on the porch watching as a well dressed, bearded man drives into your driveway. He is your husband. You feel an incredible sadness and depression.

You think of all of the wonderful things your husband does for you.  He is a great father, he is very romantic and loving, and is always doing special things for you. You think of the women at church who tell you how lucky you are to have such a wonderful husband and family.  You know they are right, but still you know you do not love him. This makes you openly sob.

Then you see your husband walking across the yard carrying a handful of daisies. You wipe away the tears from your eyes, but more come to replace them. He hands you the flowers and you smile at him through your tears.  He returns the smile and takes you into his arms to comfort you. "It will be all right. I love you," he says as he holds you.

You think again about how wonderful he is, but still you know you do not love him. You cry a little harder, and he pulls you closer and rubs your back, whispering to you about how it will be all right. He doesn't even know why you are upset, but still he comforts you. You can feel his immense love for you, and it hurts that you cannot return that love.

It feels so good for him to hold you and comfort you, but it is not like being held by your husband.  It is more like being held by your father. Not the father you had, but a father that anyone would want.  The father you wanted but never had. You know you do not love him in the way a wife should, yet you cannot imagine living without him. At this point you wake up, and this feeling of sadness, depression, and confusion goes with you all day.

Your third dream is very short and happy -- you think how odd it is that the happy dreams are always short. In this dream you are in labor and give birth to a son. You think about how you always wanted a daughter, but now you cannot imagine having any other child. Your very handsome husband leans over and kisses you lovingly. He lies down beside you and the two of you watch as your son sleeps.

You have this overwhelming feeling of completeness -- you have your husband that you love intensely, and now you have a son. You feel so perfect, so complete, and so happy. Then you wake up and this feeling is still with you, but then reality hits -- you don't have a loving husband and son, and a strong feeling of loss and sadness pervades you. Throughout the day you try to get that loving feeling back but only the feeling of loss will come.

In the fourth dream, you are getting married to the man of your dreams. You love him totally and completely.  You have no qualms about marrying him. You walk down the aisle on your father's arm, and the preacher begins the service.

When the preacher gets to the part where he asks if anyone has a reason why the two of you should not be married, your brother jumps up and yells out "I do!" He then runs up the aisle to the front of the church and says "I am sorry Mary, but I cannot let you marry this man because I love him!" Your jaw drops as your brother grabs your fiancé and gives him a long kiss.

The preacher smiles and says "Well, Mary, I'm sorry, but you cannot get married, but if you two young men would like to be married I'd be glad to do the job!" They answer "yes," as you stand there dumbfounded and you are pushed out of the way so they can take their place at the alter. Then you wake up, and this feeling of shock and grief is carried with you throughout the day.

All of these dreams have recurred throughout the years.  Now, on your wedding day, you wonder if they mean anything? Are they a warning, or are they just crazy dreams?  You think of Randall, your fiancé, and how long you have been together. It was really hard at first. You met him in your high school algebra class -- you both hated that class and the teacher, so you goofed off together a lot.

You remember one day in class, he came up from behind you and put his arms around your neck and started talking to you. You remember feeling very strange, scared, and panicky.  You couldn't breathe, flashes of memories that didn't want to come clearly flashed quickly in your head. 

You felt like you wanted to cry out and run away, but you were immobilized. All you could do was whisper through your teeth "Get off me!  Please get off me!" He finally did and apologized. You didn't understand why he made you feel that way, and you couldn't grasp onto the memories to understand.

He asked you later what was wrong, and you gave him an excuse that he had embarrassed you. He asked you out to the movies then to make up for embarrassing you, and that was the beginning of your relationship with him. You had dated him for ten years before you finally agreed to marry him. He had asked you three times before if you would marry him, but the dreams prevented you from saying yes.

You had even broken up with him several times and had dated other men, but none was a match to Randall. You had finally put aside your qualms about the dreams.  You knew you were meant for each other.  Randall was the man in your good dream, the one that would make you complete.

But now on you wedding day, you once again feel the dreams haunting you, causing you to doubt your decision. Your sisters come into the room and tell you to hurry up. You are quiet as they help you to finish getting ready. All of the feelings of the dreams are mixed together in your head.  You feel like your mind is moving in slow motion while the rest of the world is flashing by so quickly.

Suddenly you realize that your sisters are guiding you out of your room, down the stairs, and out to a white carriage that waits to take you and your sisters to the church. Your sisters chatter as the horses carry you down the street to the large stone chapel.

As you get closer you see your mother and father waiting in front of the church. When the carriage stops your father helps your sisters out of the carriage. Then he reaches to help you, and you hesitate a moment. Memories flash quickly but you still cannot grasp them.  He puts his hands on your waist and lifts you out of the carriage. A feeling of panic comes over you, but you fight to push it away.

Your mother hands you a bouquet of roses and then hugs you. "I am so happy for you Mary!" she tells you, and then she walks into the chapel. Your sisters each give you a hug, and then you all go into the foyer of the church.

Your sisters line up in front of you by age, and when the organ plays, they slowly walk down the aisle. You feel your heart racing as you watch them leave one by one.  After all three sisters are gone, the wedding march begins and your father takes your right arm in his.

Your feeling of panic intensifies, along with the memories that don't want to come. You walk along with your father, not knowing how you are managing to get one foot in front of the other. 

Finally, you make it to the end of the aisle, and the preacher says, "Mary, it's time to wake up. Mary, come on. It's time to go see Dr. Wallbright."

You are confused, and you slowly realize you were asleep. You open your eyes and see Clara. A feeling of elation comes over you as you remember that today is your wedding day.

You jump out of bed and yell out "Oh Clara, it is finally my wedding day! You must help me get ready!" You run over to the mirror and take off your pink satin nightgown and put on your wedding dress. You stand and admire yourself in the mirror, thinking how happy Randall and you will be, together finally, forever.

"Why is she standing there naked facing the wall?" you hear a male voice ask. You wonder whom he is talking about. You look at the door and see a tall young man, and you figure he must be the new chauffeur.

You decide you must talk to Clara later and tell her she must be more careful about the men she hires. As housekeeper, it is her responsibility to do the hiring, but she shouldn't be hiring young men that go around talking about naked women.

"She's been here for thirty-four years. Went nuts on her wedding day -- killed her father and fiancé, and set the whole church on fire. She is basically harmless if you go along with her, but we have to keep her back here in solitary just in case. She attacked one of the patients one day when he tried to give her a hug, so you have to be careful. She gets to go to the dining hall as long as I am with her.  But other than that and trips to Dr. Wallbright's office, she stays in here. She lives in a fantasy world. Every day is her wedding day. Just remember that when you work with her and you will be okay," Clara explains.

You wonder what she is talking about, but you give up and continue to admire your lovely wedding gown as the chauffeur and Clara continue to talk. Then you realize Clara is talking to you and you ask her to repeat herself.

"I said that you need to get dressed so we can go see Dr. Wallbright," she explains.

"Oh, that's right, he is going to perform the ceremony, right?" you ask.

"Yes," Clara replies, "but you need to get dressed."

You look at Clara in confusion. "But I already have my wedding gown on, see?" You point to yourself in the mirror.

"No, silly Mary, you are still in your night gown, see?" Clara explains. Pointing back at you in the mirror.

You look and see the pink nightgown on you, and laugh. "Oh silly me!!! I guess I am just too excited about marrying my Randall!"

Clara helps you put on your wedding gown and then says, "Now, isn't that better?"

"Oh yes Clara, thank you. Don't I look beautiful! I am finally going to marry my wonderful Randall! I'm so happy!" you exclaim.

Clara smiles at you lovingly. "Yes, Mary, you do look beautiful. Now Mary, it's time to go see Dr. Wallbright."

The chauffeur helps you into the silver carriage, and then Clara puts a bracelet on each of your wrists. "Oh Clara, you shouldn't have! I'll just borrow them for the wedding. That is perfect! They are borrowed, the flowers will be blue, and so I have everything just right! Oh thank you Clara, Randall will be so pleased!"

"You're welcome darlin'! Now it's time to go, ready?" Clara asks.

"Yes, I am. I am goin' to have a long wonderful life with the man of my dreams! Clara, I am so lucky aren't I!" you exclaim.

Clara looks at you with a tear in her eye, "Yes Miss Mary, you are going to be very happy."