adj. ineffable - defying expression or description; "indefinable yearnings"; "indescribable beauty"; "ineffable ecstasy"; "inexpressible anguish"; "unspeakable happiness"; "unutterable contempt"; "a thing of untellable splendor"
n. Chagrin - A keen feeling of mental unease, as of annoyance or embarrassment, caused by failure, disappointment, or a disconcerting event
My ineffable chagrin has returned again. The doctor says take the little sunshine pills – twice a day until I feel okay. I'm beginning to wonder if I know what okay is like anymore?
My mind is no longer my own. It betrays me, and I promise you, the me you see is not really me. I'm locked in here somewhere and I cannot get out there. The out there - where the real people are, that is. I cry out, and sometimes I think I see the light. But just when I think I can touch it, embrace its warmth, it recedes and I am left alone again.
The only time I truly feel free is when I write. Through my characters, I escape through what would be a tortured night. My mind often tries to trick me, still, during my get-a-way, but in the comfort of my desk chair and at my computer, I can often make-a-way. My mind allows it, knowing that through this vice of mine, I am escaping all the triggers that want to devour my mind..
As long as I focus on my writing, I don't have to see the shambles this disease of my mind is allowing me to create in my life. Rhyming stops – this is real, not pretty. Do you know how bad that sentence hurts? How much it makes me want to erase this all and go write about The Safe Place, or The Red Suitcase? Things not about me or my life and what I so desperately want to hide.
It is my ineffable chagrin that I was once a confident, social woman. Now, I have to be scared that at bible study group, my mind could betray me and I could break down into panic and tears. The fear is so encompassing that I panic and cry before it is even time to go to the bible study, and am unable to even attend.
It is my ineffable chagrin that while at a restaurant with my husband, I broke down into tears and panic simply because I could not remember who sang a song that was playing on the radio. I could feel it coming, and I tried to tell my husband to stop asking about the song. I honestly know he meant no harm and normally I would have had fun playing such a game. It hurts me so much knowing how hard this is on him.
It is my ineffable chagrin that I could not stay at my sister's house all day for Easter. Jeff had to work at three, and there was so much of me that wanted to take Pam up on her offer to drive me home later. It was hard to tell her that it would depend on how I felt. She didn't question when I left with Jeff – even though I seemed to do well. I did have a good time. But I could not trust my betraying mind.
My betraying mind makes me so ashamed and sad and so ticked off! Sometimes I just want to throw things and have a huge temper tantrum! It is so unfair. I just get so tired of trying one medicine, then another, and watching things get worse. Then there are the hopeful periods of things getting better.
Then my ineffable chagrin returns. It's so hard. This too shall pass. Oh, Lord, let it pass quickly, please.
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Comments: 25
I enjoy writing like this - not because it is depressing or that you are in anguish - because it is about real life and the struggles we have.
Anything I might advise are but words from far across the sea in Western Australia, and not the same if we were sharing with each other over a coffee. Nevertheless, remember this - and my own, dark personal experiences attest to the truth of it - God believes in you, even when you don't. And he holds your hand always, squeezing it in the black times to give you hope.
Love from across the wide, wild seas,
Magi
But then I say they need to know, to show the humanity in people like me. How real we are, that we have something wonderful to offer the world, though we have to struggle to offer it. I am a real person, I love, I laugh, I want the same things everyone else does. I also want others to know that if they are going through this too - I understand.
Thank you for your encouraging, loving words. Looks like I may have another wonderful friend over across those wonderful wide wild seas! God bless you!
" I just get so tired of trying one medicine, then another, and watching things get worse. " Be careful, my wife's mother is in a care facility. Her doctor, had her on several different meds for both depression and other issues. He ended up taking her off all of them ( after we insisted ) and overall she is much better off. She has her good days and her bad days, but at least the good days are stable. All meds have a lasting effect. Sometimes the effects are no big deal, but sometimes they are.
Make sure whatever meds thay give you aren't creating a reality all their own.
If I were to give you advice here, I would tell you to embrace the darker side of you, the one that scares you - embrace it, don't try to erase it. I tried the erasing part - it doesn't work and only gives you more darkness that'll you'll eventually have to embrace.
Take George's advice - the man is right on spot!
I Love you Monica... one of these days we will find what works right for us and our manic brains!
ps i've sent you something privately that should give you a laugh. even if only for a moment. love you. X X
You are absofrigginglutely fantabulistically divine. You take the trials of life and word them so anyone can understand. Bless your sweetuttifruitie heart.
I was thankful later Monday morning to receive a call from the lady I would see about my Disability case - she had to cancel because she was sick. I told her I had a really bad night so it was okay with me too. It will be rescheduled - hopefully that night will go better.
I pray that changes in meds will make things better soon!
Your posts continue to really be excellent. Thank you for sharing them, it can't always be easy. It puts in perspective how much easier it is for me to post my "Oh look, I'm an idiot in some foreign country doing dumb things" posts - sometimes the toughest battles are fought right at home.